


Beneath the streetlights and the moon

by Gia_Callisto



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25420735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_Callisto/pseuds/Gia_Callisto
Summary: Carina eyed the ceiling, searching for the crack she noticed the day she bought the apartment. She decided that it gave her room a tone, and never got it removed.She winced a little when the resonating slam of the door that was keeping her awake, roamed through her memories.Her chocolate eyes ran towards the edge of the ceiling, looking for the exact spot where the crack started, longing for answers now more than ever. She needed to know what the primary cause was.A cold chill crawled up her spine at the realization that maybe, just maybe, more than the noise of the door, it was the venomous way those damn words left Maya's usually so sweet lips, that was stubbornly keeping her up.She pronounced them like she didn't care, like she never cared at all.
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 102
Kudos: 322





	1. It made her heart ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to picture the days after the hideous breakup for both Carina and Maya. The different coping mechanisms, their support systems, and how they deal with the pain.  
> It’s my first fic so some feedback, if possible, would be highly appreciated!  
> Stay alive, friends!

Carina eyed the ceiling, searching for the crack she noticed the day she bought the apartment. She decided that it gave her room a tone, and never got it removed. It reminded her of home, and how weirdly old every building in Italia seemed to be. It never was clear to her where the crack started, but it was obvious it ended exactly in the centre of the ceiling, right above her pillow.

_"I slept with Jack an hour ago, so be mad at that."_

She winced a little when the resonating slam of the door that was keeping her awake, roamed through her memories.

Her chocolate eyes ran towards the edge of the ceiling, looking for the exact spot where the crack started, longing for answers now more than ever. She needed to know what the primary cause was.

A cold chill crawled up her spine at the realization that maybe, just maybe, more than the door, it was the venomous way those damn words left Maya's usually so sweet lips, that was stubbornly keeping her up.

_"I slept with Jack an hour ago."_ Blue orbs fixed on her, mouth firm and posture composed as if she was giving a formal statement in a police investigation, not crushing her girlfriend's world.

_"Be mad at that."_ Because the other events of the day weren't worthy of getting upset over, the rest of the things that had happened, were Carina's fault and had nothing to do with Maya.

She pronounced those sentences like she didn't care, like she never cared at all.

Carina closed her eyes and took a deep breath. What was happening to her? This wasn't a healthy way to react to a heartbreak, it wasn't her way to react to anything at all.

She turned to the side, shooting a glance at the clock: only 4 AM. She needed to bounce back, live through all the emotions, feel them to their core, and then just forget about everything. Instead, she shed a couple of tears at Maya's and then got back to her apartment and spent the whole night pacing the edge of the abyss, unable to simply fall over. 

Or to just fall asleep, for that matter.

Suddenly, she felt scarily empty, like everything that defined her, was being ripped out of her chest. She sighed and got up, for the umpteenth time, like the bed was on fire, trembling hands running through unkempt hair. 

_"I slept with Jack."_

The worlds crept down her already shaking body, insinuating in her knees, threatening to let her fall. She needed to get out of that bedroom, far away from the memories they shared between those very sheets, between those very walls. This wasn't an emotion she wanted to live through, this feeling was something frightening, something that took her right back to _Italia_ , back to the day her _papà_ did the unthinkable.

She put on a sweater faster than she could and got out of the hunting apartment. Welcomed by the chilling breeze of Seattle’s morning, Carina didn’t really know where she was going or what she was doing. Her fingers drummed nervously against the wheel as she winded her way through the semi-empty streets, watching as the sky bled from night blue to a lighter shade of purple.

_Maya loves sunrises._ Carina had to stop herself from closing her eyes at the thought. Few things lit up the firefighter as much as the idea of watching the sunrise, and Carina found endearing that someone as cheeky as Maya could be in love with something as soft and romantic as the sunrise.

A smile crept its way up to her lips, thinking of the sweet memories until she realized that her radio was playing _Luigi Tenco’s Vedrai Vedrai._ She tried to tighten the grip on the wheel but her eyes couldn’t keep the tears in anymore.

_Sì, lo so che questa non è certo la vita_

_Che ho sognato un giorno per noi_

_Vedrai, vedrai_

_Vedrai che cambierà_

_Forse non sarà domani_

_Ma un bel giorno cambierà_

She stopped the car and turned off the music. The little stuffed dolphin hanging on the rear-view mirror was looking at her intensely: Maya bought it for her when she learned how deeply the Doctor loved the sea. Way back when, during her childhood summers in _Sicilia_ , she would go out at sea with her _papà_ just to have the opportunity to see the rare pods of dolphins that still came to the Mediterranean waters. Maya listened to the story attentively, looking at her like she was painting the sunrise on the morning sky, and then simply kissed her. During dinner, out of the blue, she declared that having nothing hung in the car was like having no car at all. The following day, when Carina jumped at the wheel after a difficult shift at work, she found the little dolphin smiling at her, and a handwritten note: “I promise I break into cars only for good reasons.”.

– _Oh, Maya…_ – A weak breath escaped her lips while her fingers grasped the fluffy toy. – _Perché…_

She threw the miniature animal against the windshield and jumped off the car, pacing back and forth, running shaky hands on her cheeks.

The lights of the new day hunted the sky while she climbed up the steps of the porch. Her fingers hesitated a little before ringing the doorbell as quietly as possible. She turned her back to the door, watching the sun bloom on the other side of the street, peeking between the roofs, gold petals slowly stretching across the horizon.

The noise of the door unlocking startled Carina, but she didn’t turn around: – _Si è scopata Jack._

– Oh…

The voice that answered wasn’t the one Carina expected. In her haste, she forgot about the other occupants of the house: – Meredith, I-I… – Of course, out of all the people that could have come to answer, it had to be the one who spoke _Italiano_. – I’m sorry, Meredith I didn’t think.

Doctor Grey’s sky-blue eyes narrowed a little, and Carina found herself thinking of how much different from Maya’s they were: – It’s okay… Just, Andrew is not here.

– _Sì, sì… certo._ – She ran her hand through her hair once again, cursing her bad habit and herself for letting it get out of control. – I’m so sorry, I should have called first. I better just…

They kept staring at each other, Meredith shielding herself from the chilling morning air with her arms: – Are you drunk? No actually, are you okay?

Was she drunk? Confusion dawned upon her, the only things she could remember were the loud slam of the door and the crack on the ceiling. Before Carina could answer, or rather think a little bit longer, her attention was drawn to the stumping noise of naked feet coming from inside of the house, shortly followed by a voice: – Hey Mer? Who is it? Are we going to need muscles? Do I have to wake up Link?

Amelia’s face appeared on Meredith’s shoulder, the cheerful smile falling from her lips as soon as her green irises landed on the Italian woman awkwardly standing on the porch. At the sight of that glare, Carina’s soul shattered: never had she seen the youngest Shepherd look at anybody the way she was looking at her. Like she knew exactly how unfixable and broken she felt.

Amelia pushed her sister aside and took the woman in her arms, hugging her as if it was the only thing that would have kept her from crashing into the abyss. Carina gave in to the comfort of the embrace, to the warmth of the sweet nothings Amelia was whispering, and her legs finally failed her.

They moved to the bench, Carina’s hands still held tightly between Amelia’s: – Do you feel like talking about it?

The Italian woman’s bloodshot eyes moved to look to the symmetrical cracks on the floor: – I’m sorry I came… I really didn’t think.

– I am actually very glad you did: I wouldn’t want you anywhere else, right now. – She gave a firm squeeze to her hands. – Plus. – A sheepish smile shyly appeared between her teeth. – I could use a break from this whole mum thing. He’s the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen, don’t get me wrong, but he’s a handful already.

The OBGYN panicked: – _Oh Dio, ma cosa ho combinato… mi ero completamente dimentic…_

– Carina. – The sweetest expression appeared on Amelia’s features. – If you feel like venting in Italian, I’m here for it, very sexy and all. – She smirked, only to immediately return to a more serious composure. – But just let me know first, okay? So that I’m sure you’re not unnecessarily apologizing again.

Carina’s eyes searched for comfort and strength in the other woman’s: – It’s Maya… – The pause she took wasn’t filled by anything else than the cheerful chirping of birds and the cars rushing in the streets. Amelia was waiting, giving her all the time she needed, reassuring her with slow movements of her thumbs on the back of Carina’s hands. – She cheated on me… with her ex.

Amelia pulled her in again, resting Carina's head on her shoulder, drawing soothing circles on her sobbing back. Carina's glance moved forward, the darkness of the night fading away completely as peaches, ambers, and magentas mixed in the sky.

And even though she would never tire of the sight, this time it was an unfair kind of beauty.

Nonetheless, Maya would have adored it.

And that very thought destroyed her for good. 

It made her heart ache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was the first little peak from Carina's point of view. Next will be Maya's.  
> I'm not sure yet how long this is going to be, I think I'll go with the flow and we'll take it from there.  
> Let me know what you think!  
> Stay alive, friends!


	2. And she fell to pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya slammed the door open and stepped into the hallway, ready to confront the Italian woman, only to be welcomed by a cold, colourless apartment: she left. 
> 
> Carina left.
> 
> The urge to run vanished and her knees seemed to fail her, her dad's voice leaving her mind, now filled only by a loud silence. But really, why was she expecting anythin different after the stunt she pulled? As a sickening sense of confusion took over, the boiling rage slowly left her body, and she finally realised what she had done.
> 
> Why. Why was she like that?

The flying pillow hit the wall, knocking the framed picture to the floor with a glassy crash.

_Was she still there?_

Maya couldn’t hear a thing. After she slammed the door, only a couple of muffled sobs fought their way to her ears: following that, nothing. Nothing at all. Not even the front door opening and closing.

_So, where the fuck was Carina?_

The second blue pillow crossed the room at the speed of a lightning bolt, landing hard on the crystal vase, destroying it against the closet.

_Was she hearing all this, from the other side of the door?_

_From the other side of Hell?_

At the mere thought, Maya’s legs felt restless, pushing her to pace barefoot amidst broken lilies, sharp glass, and spilled water. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what her girlfriend was thinking about her while hearing all that noise.

_Was Carina scared of her now?_

A chill crept its way up to her spine, settling on the back of her neck.

_Was she?_

The third and last pillow she furiously grabbed from the bed, suffocated the scream of anger that left her lips as violently as her ears were ringing. She needed to run. But how could she get past Carina unnoticed?

“ _Eyes forward, Maya_ ”, a deep, authoritative voice resonated in her head. “A _t all times, Kiddo, the only thing that matters is the finish line._ ” He was right, nobody could stop her. Carina needed to understand that her father wasn’t abusive, that he never laid so much as a finger on her. She slammed the door open and stepped into the hallway, ready to confront the Italian woman, only to be welcomed by a cold, colourless apartment: _she left._

_Carina left._

Her urge to run vanished and her knees seemed to fail her, her dad's voice leaving her mind, now filled only by loud silence.

_Carina couldn’t have left her, could she?_

But really, why was she expecting anythin different after the stunt she pulled? As a sickening sense of confusion took over, the boiling rage slowly left her body, and she finally realised what she had done.

_Why._

_Why was she like that._

She walked to the fridge, taking out a beer without even thinking. As she was sitting on the kitchen counter, her eyes fell on the bottle of red wine Carina brought the night before. Maya asked what the occasion was, and the Doctor answered: " _I just want to spoil you, bella... And even if I would have chosen differently, this is your favourite._ ". A deep sense of melancholy invaded the firefighter as her mind went back to the time she asked her girlfriend if they could take some time for themselves, some time for each other. They were drinking that very same wine, and she loved it: Carina adored both the idea of a vacation together and the Californian Wine.

The beer was soon forgotten as Maya longed for a little taste of ordinariness, something that could warm her soul again. She took a big gulp of red juice, her lips still attached to the bottle when she moved to the living room. Carina never wanted to drink wine on the couch, it was dangerous, she said. Wine stains are a bitch to remove, Maya completely agreed to that, but it never stopped her from risking it in favour of the comfy snuggling they always ended up doing on that sofa.

Crystal blue irises started to roam the space, uneasy, insanely drawn to the green beanie abandoned beside the fireplace.

_Isn’t that Carina’s?_

Before she could stand up once again, her phone beeped. She felt her breath getting caught inside her throat, as she furiously started to look for it, spilling wine all over the wooden floor. The device kept ringing obsessively, making her more and more impatient. Once she finally located it somewhere between the blankets and the pillows, Maya took a deep breath and looked down at the screen.

Jack.

The irony.

She let the device fall, throwing her head back and starting to laugh furiously, covering her mouth with the bottle and scrunching her nose. The laugh was very short-lived as an episode occurred not too long ago played before her pained eyes.

She was at Joe's with the team, sitting at the bar with Ben, watching the others play darts. It was Vic's turn, and Montgomery tickled her from behind, resulting in the dart skewered on the wooden wall. Her reaction was priceless: the girl turned around, grabbed a shot of Vodka from the tray walking beside her, and splashed it on Travis' horrified face. Maya had burst out laughing like she couldn't remember doing with the guys in a very long time, struggling to catch her breath. Her attention was quickly drawn to Warren, who didn't flinch at the scene, but was instead studying her very interested, with a sly smirk painted on his features. Under his attentive gaze, the Captain instantly felt evaluated and embarrassed. _"What?"_ , she urged. At her evident uneasiness, his smirk only grew: _"Nothing"_ he said, _"I just don't think you realise it yet"_. She frowned and her nose wrinkled. _"See? You just did it again."_ Maya had never been so confused: _"Did what?"_. A soft laugh left the man's lips, while he played with his empty glass: _"That thing with your nose... You picked it up from her, you know?"_ A warm feeling invaded Maya's chest at the thought of just how adorable Carina is every time she crimps it. " _The other day I ran into her talking to Miranda. She was standing extremely composed, radiating confidence and authority, just like you do."_ He continued following his logic, still fidgeting with the glass, almost as if the trail of words was encrypted somewhere in the bottom. _"It's not a thing you see very often."_ Ben lifted his head, deep, brown irises directed into ocean orbs. _"You complement each other, balance out those little imperfections you have."_ Maya couldn't tear her eyes away from him, terrified to lose one little detail of what Ben was saying. Her heart had never pounded so forcefully inside her chest, not even when she won the Olympics. Her friend's hand left the glass that started spinning dangerously fast, but somehow, managed to return to its standing position without falling. _"And **that** is the foundation for so much more, Maya."_

Maya squeezed her glassy eyes shut as the memory ended abruptly: she didn't want to relive what she felt next. She was painfully certain that she wouldn't have survived it

That night at Joe's, she felt alive. More alive than when she runs into burning buildings. But now, all she could perceive was a slow, feeble pump inside her chest. The sobs that escaped her lips were violent, disconnected, and made her whole body tremble under the heavy sense of guilt that was oppressing her. The empty bottle left her fingers and rolled on the ground, gliding over the light carpet. An almost bloody stain started to appear on the precious material, but she couldn’t care less.

She was exhausted and the tears she was shamelessly shading were draining her soul.

_Why was she a self-destructive machine?_

_Why couldn’t she just stand as brave and tall in front of emotions, as she did in front of fires?_

_Why was she so damn scared of being happy?_

All her life was characterized by her waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always on the defensive, always ready to just run forward.

And now she was feeling too much and at the same time nothing at all, nothing relevant. Nothing worth living.

And she had nowhere to run to.

_Why the fuck did she have to destroy Carina as she did? Couldn’t she just wreck herself and leave the poor woman alone?_

No, that wasn’t possible, was it? Her way of healing was through hurting others, pushing them to leave her so that they could stop seeing her, so they couldn’t get to know her completely. Because what if they didn’t like what they uncovered? Maya couldn’t stand the idea of being left behind. And honestly, there wasn’t much to appreciate under all that cheeky facade.

She was a coward.

In the rawest meaning possible of the word: connections terrified her. The mere idea made her want to run. And so she did, every fucking time.

She stood up and grabbed the beer from the kitchen: it all needed to stop. The overthinking, the over feeling, the over hurting. Booze always helped, but it wasn’t enough, not this time. She couldn’t hear anything, but her father's voice, repeating the mantra that shaped her life: “ _Eyes forward at all times, the only thing that matters is the finish line._ ”

But she didn’t really want to reach the finish line, this time. She wanted to stay there, right there when she could still see glimpses of her girlfriend everywhere. There where Carina’s scent hadn’t vanished, there where they had so many memories together.

 _“Have you considered the possibility that he was wrong?”_ Diane’s calm, soothing voice took over in her head, as her fingers tightened around the soft, green fabric of the beanie. _“Maya isn't it possible that you could learn to let yourself rest, and sleep, and love in this life, instead of waiting for death to set you free?”_

Could she? Was she able to fight it all and win against her destructive habits?

_“It’s plain to see that you’re excellent at whatever you put your mind to.”_

Sweet, loving Carina. Of course, she believed in the charity case Maya was. But she said it clearly, she wasn’t in the habit of fixing broken people. So why bother changing if Carina wouldn’t take her back?

She brought the beanie to her face, inhaling deeply, breathing in the raspberry perfume of Carina’s shampoo that still filled the wool.

It hurt too much.

She needed a cloud. She needed to be inside one of those soft clouds she saw when she was little, because nothing could hurt her there. For the first time since the day Carina came along, Maya felt like she needed to die. To stop it all. To escape and be set free.

She grabbed Carina’s warm hat with both her hands and held it to her chest. She closed her eyes again and curled in a ball on the cold floor.

Finally, Maya couldn’t hear her heart beating, not even feebly, not even weekly, not even in the distance.

It was gone, completely.

She was back inside the clouds, her mind ultimately at ease, thinking of how simple it all could be.

When Morpheus finally accepted her into his embrace, the morning sun had risen and her apartment felt cold, her heart frozen still inside her crushed chest.

And she fell to pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, sorry for the delay...  
> So Maya's side of the story is here, I wanted to portray how differently they react and how less healthy Maya's way is... I hope the idea passed and the uneasiness reached the reader too!  
> Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting!  
> As always, stay alive friends!


	3. She knew how delicate it all was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> – I really don’t know how this is happening… I-I. – Carina’s fingers escaped Amelia’s grip to reach the top of her head, unable to go through the hair tightly gripped in a high, yet messy, ponytail. – I always feel so crushed, so oppressed, Amelia. It makes no sense. 

Amelia dropped on the chair extremely inelegantly, the plate she was carrying following suit shortly after: – God, what a night. 

Carina eyed the woman, not saying a word, waiting for her to continue. They were in one of the less frequented x-ray rooms on the third floor, their usual quiet hiding spot to eat in peace. Whether it was lunch or, as in this case, after a long and exhausting nightshift, breakfast. 

She hated the busy cafeteria, all that noise and the invasiveness of some of the most obnoxious uptight Doctors. Let alone all the coming and going of the emergency personnel. Especially these days. A little while ago that was the only reason why she would dine there, and endure all the fuss, just to get a glimpse of flying blonde hair, just to earn a grin from bright blue eyes or to catch a kiss blown by full, voluptuous lips. 

But there was nothing of sorts now, only sorrow and Maya-shaped holes wherever she looked. 

So the x-ray room was ideal, and her friends didn't seem to mind. To Carina, the lighting was the most interesting thing of that room: the cold led lamps that peaked through the skirting board gave the place a little sense of intimacy, taking away that hideous septic aura the hospital had. 

Not too much time had went by before Teddy arrived, and Amelia spoke again, full mouth and a beaten smile in her green orbs: – I had to tell a 10 years old’s parents that their daughter’s brain tumour is inoperable. 

– Is that it? – Teddy chimed in. – There was a pile-up today, school trip. I gave the same death speech to one too many couples. 

Carina still struggled to understand why at Grey Sloan everything had to be a competition. Even terrible occurrences like the one so casually discussed over breakfast: – _Sul serio? Sto cercando di mangiare._

Amelia’s curious eyes darted in her direction: – Nothing will ever change my mind: that is the sexiest language in the world. 

Teddy looked at her with disbelief: – It sounded kind of mean to me. 

Amelia snorted and proceeded to steal a biscuit from the blonde’s trail: – And your point is? – The space between her hairline and her right eyebrow thinned, and she turned again, giving a flirty smirk in Carina’s direction. – Oh right… You’re used to sweet, old, boring Owen now. 

Teddy’s gaze saddened, but not long enough to be noticed by the others: too many things were going unsaid between the three of them. Before she could answer, her pager went off, and after quickly excusing herself, she ran to the Pit. 

Carina released her breath: – I’m glad that she didn’t comment on my dark circles. 

– I’m very offended Doctor DeLuca, I was the one who covered them. – Amelia pointed at her with a boiled carrot like it was a magic wand. – And I did an extraordinary job at it. That's why she didn't say a thing, there's nothing to be said. 

Carina snorted and rolled her eyes. Amelia was a _dono del cielo_ : she hadn’t really left her side since that infamous morning after. Most of the time, she just stayed with her in silence, keeping her company, firing flirty remarks, or sharp jokes. 

Amelia would have adored Maya, they were so similar on so many levels. If only she had had the opportunity to introduce them properly, Carina was certain they would have ganged up on her. 

Instead, they had barely seen each other, and “ _Jesus Christ, Firefighter Barbie_ ”, followed by a disappointed snort, was the only thing Amelia had commented on the whole situation. And frankly, Carina was grateful for that: she couldn’t hear anyone speak ill about Maya. _Dio_ , she couldn’t even bring herself to think badly about her, and she technically had every reason to. 

The discomfort that overwhelmed her, forced her to sit straighter and roll up her pink sleeves. Maya told her once, that she probably was the only person on the Planet to be able to rock that awful colour of scrubs. She did partially agree to that one: Maya would have looked ridiculous in them. Mostly because of how uneasy she would have felt. _Grazie a Dio_ , she had those suspenders and tight top to wear all the time at work. And the short-sleeved shirts that outlined her toned biceps: taxpayers money put to good use. The shadow of a smile that had so shyly pushed to reach her lips, quickly faded away at the realisation that Maya probably fucked Jack in her office. 

Just like they did. 

She didn't feel like eating anymore, and she pushed the still untouched food towards the centre of the table. 

– No, Carina… what are you doing? – Amelia's crystal irises were looking at her like they couldn't take it anymore. Carina had completely forgotten that her friend was still there. – You're not sleeping, you're not eating, you’re working insane hours. And don't think I didn't notice that you're practically living in your office. Your couch is comfy, I'll give you that, but this situation is getting out of hand. 

Carina felt put on the spot, just like when her _nonna_ would scold her in front of all her cousins, just to set an example: – I... You're right, it's just... I don't feel like doing any of it differently. 

– Carina. – Amelia’s warm hand came to touch her own nervous one. – This is not healthy. 

The Neurosurgeon was frustrated beyond belief: how could her friend not see it? She was a starving, sleep-deprived, overworked, and poorly made copy of herself. Not to mention the overflowing helplessness and sadness that radiated through her. Her heart squeezed inside her chest: she wanted to help Carina so desperately, but she had no idea how to. The Italian seemed to light up only around birthing _mamme_ and _piccoli_ _bambini_. Amelia’s eyes scavenged inside Carina’s soul again, hoping the uneasiness could force her to come forward and step into the light, just for a second, just long enough for the other Doctor to grab her. 

– I really don’t know how this is happening… I-I. – Carina’s fingers escaped Amelia’s grip to reach the top of her head, unable to go through the hair tightly gripped in a high, yet messy, ponytail. – I always feel so crushed, so oppressed, Amelia. It makes no sense. 

– It doesn’t have to. Nothing has to make sense right now. But you need to react, eat a little, sleep for a while... Maybe even get back to the apartment? 

The Italian woman took a deep, shaky breath: – I just don't understand, you know? – A warm feeling crept inside her chocolate eyes and she had to collect every ounce of her willpower to fight the urge to just burst out into steamy, liberating tears again. – I thought we were okay... we never fought, we didn't see eye to eye on everything, of course, but there never was a major argument. She... 

At the realisation, Carina's body flinched: Maya changed the subject. Every time they were on the verge of fighting, for idiotic reasons, Maya threw in a joke that turned the discussion elsewhere, or simply just asked her not to talk about it. 

– She wasn't particularly emotionally available, was she? 

Once again, crystal irises were searching deeply inside Carina's mind, longing for a reaction. But the Italian’s thoughts were elsewhere completely: she pushed too hard. She should have stopped when Maya's body turned stiff that morning between her arms. And if that alone wasn't a clear enough signal, then she should have definitely stopped when vegetables started flying all over the kitchen and the knife slammed to the counter. 

She simply should have stopped. Because the signals were all there. And maybe, just maybe, she would have been enough. If only she had dropped it earlier, maybe Maya wouldn't have gone to Jack for comfort. 

– I love her, Amelia. – The words escaped her mouth in a hiccup, her hands still nervously trying to go through her hair. – _La amo così tanto, ma per lei non sono abbastanza._

Amelia hurried to her feet and reached the spot beside the Italian, engulfing her into an almost suffocating hug. She didn't understand the last words, but Carina seemed to have finally reached the bottom. For almost a week she watched her going through a path of slow, excruciating self-destruction without intervening. She wanted to give her the opportunity to feel it all, in order to better understand it: she was painfully aware of how wrecking was pushing the feelings aside, or suppress them with various distractions. Whether they were drugs, alcohol or new people. In her eyes, Carina was going through all the right grief phases, at the right pace. Because a broken heart of that magnitude, was nothing short than a physical loss. And yes, Carina still refused to let anyone else other than the two of them know about the breakup, struggled to refer to it, yet the only thing constantly pestering her mind was Maya. And she hadn't picked up any majorly bad habit, staying far away from dangerous addictions. So there really was no point in an intervention, in Amelia's eyes: – It's going to be okay... Let it all out. 

Carina melted at the gentle whisper, trying to pull herself together. She couldn't help but notice how differently her body reacted to Amelia. Yes, she was able to calm her, but Carina still felt uneasy, on edge, like she was about to explode. With Maya, a small touch was enough. The woman didn't make all her problems disappear, far from it, but with her by her side she felt like she could move mountains and conquer galaxies. She felt like no matter what, she would have been okay. Because Maya would have kept her safe. There was no need for running from a Continent to another, Carina found her place in the Universe: she finally belonged. And that was probably the thing she missed the most. 

– I'm sorry... I just realized how deeply in love with her I am. –Carina shook her head, focusing on her hands nestled in her lap. – I thought she was too. 

A pager went off again somewhere in the room, but neither of them moved a muscle. The sun had probably come up, by now, and it was time to start rounds. 

Her heart still felt heavy and her mind fogged by all the emotions. Her body was tired and every limb hurt, but she felt a little less hopeless. 

– I know, I can see it. – Amelia took a deep breath searching for the still beeping device. – I just... I need you to ask yourself something, okay? – She kept fussing, unable to locate the pager placed on the table. She stood up and turned it off, standing tall in front of a broken Carina, one that didn't feel much different from when she was just a little girl being yelled at by her _papà_ in front of half her family. – And I'm not suggesting an answer rather than another... Just maybe think about it? – Amelia reached across the table and took Carina's fingers between hers, squeezing them to absorb her complete attention. – Is love enough? 

Emerald eyes met chocolate ones with a surge of empathy and compassion: and for a fleeting moment Carina felt complete, balanced, protected. It was only a second, though, because in the blink of an eye, Amelia disappeared with an apologetic smile. 

And Carina was all alone all over again, alone with the Maya-shaped thoughts and the Maya-shaped wunds, accompanied by a bitter taste of forgotten peacefulness, savouring that intoxicating aftertaste of belonging she missed so fundamentally.

A murmur escaped her dry lips, lost in the solitude of the room like leaves in the wind: – _Deve esserlo._

It has to be.

And now more than ever, she knew how delicate it all was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for the delay, crazy hours at work...  
> Both this chapter and the next, take pace the night before/early morning of the last episode (3x16).  
> If you wish, let me know what you think!  
> Stay alive, friends!


	4. And yet her heart was still beating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn’t for the unhealthy amount of alcohol she had ingested, Maya would have probably felt the bones in her chest crack around her heart.
> 
> Eyes forward, huh?
> 
> Since her undeniable screw up the other night, she couldn’t seem to bring herself to do anything else but look back at the past: all she could do was think back at when she wasn’t alone.

The music was roaming through the houseboat, pumping adrenaline into her veins: Maya adjusted her green beanie, downing half the content of her beer in one breath. 

She tourned around grooving to the music and laughed at the ridiculous moves Vic was mimicking: – Oh, I heard you broke up with your hot Doctor lover.

If it wasn’t for the unhealthy amount of alcohol she had ingested, Maya would have probably felt the bones in her chest crack around her heart.

_Eyes forward_ , huh? Since her undeniable screw up the other night, she couldn’t seem to bring herself to do anything else but look back at the past. _Eyes forward my ass:_ all she could do was think back at when she wasn’t alone. When Carina could still make her feel alive, could still make her feel at ease in the most insane situations.

She shook the uneasiness from her shoulders, and instead focused on her very intoxicated friend: – I hear you broke up with yours.

– Yeah… – Vic seemed to weight the possibility of a comeback, but instead opted for the undeniable truth. – Yeah, we are dumb.

And Maya couldn’t agree more: – So dumb.

A veil of sadness perched on the blonde as she kept dancing to the awfully pop-ish music. It was nothing like the songs Carina liked: those Italian tracks were fine, elegant, and melodic. Her girlfriend explained to her once that it wasn’t contemporary Italian music, that type was very similar to the American one. No, her passion was for old school music, the vintage yet always alive _canzone Italiana_ , something passed down to her by her mother. Carina went on to say that the love for that specific genre was still the strongest bond she felt with her _mamma_. Her eye softened at the memory of how warm Carina’s body felt between her arms, while she was whispering the story to her mindful hear.

It was nothing more but a calm Tuesday morning, and they were lazily tangled with sheets and legs in Carina’s bed. Maya had pointed out that there was an awful crack on the ceiling, only to be rewarded with a light laugh and a small Italian murmur. And then a particularly sad song started playing through the speakers and Carina sang along. She adored it, the lyrics, the melody, the deeper meaning: all of it, she later confessed. Maya found that it felt a little bit too sad, for her liking, but she would have never complained: Carina had a good voice.

Emmett violently dragged her out of her thoughts by not only offering more booze, but also lifting her up for a weird contest the boys were having: something along the lines of who the strongest dancer was. 

She laughed with them a little more, before finding herself in front of a talking Andy: – I don’t want to talk about my dad or my husband, so if it’s either of those things…

Maya narrowed her eyes, trying to focus on her friend and not the fact that she had just blacked out from how much drunk she was and had absolutely no idea how she ended up there: – It is not.

Andy looked at her expectantly. The Captain contemplated the opportunity she was given: she had her friend right in front of her, and for once, Herrera didn’t want to talk about herself. It was her chance to unload and get somebody's honest opinion istead of sharp remarks or sympathetic rather than judgy glares. Her mind always felt unbearably slow when she was drunk, so maybe talking about those kinds of things in that kind of state wasn’t the best idea she had ever had. Plus, her chest still felt like it was cracking, crashing on itself, so she wasn't really sure she could bear to see the disappointment on Andy’s face: – Okay it was going be, so now I’m just going to stand here in awkward silence. – She lied. And in an extremely easy way. Wait a minute, why should she be afraid of Andy’s judgment? It’s not like the woman hadn’t made her fair share of poor choices, right? – Come on, come dance, we haven’t all hung out on our night off in forever.

She hoped Andy wouldn’t question the almost imperceptible flicker in her voice, or that at least she blamed it on the alcohol. Her friend smiled blissfully: – Okay, fine, but… I need another shot first.

Maya took a deep breath and went back inside cheering her friends up and dancing once again. She couldn’t feel a thing, but maybe it was the point of it all.

The next time the intoxication wore off without warning, Maya found herself seated on the sidewalk in front of Carina’s apartment complex building, empty beer in one hand, and beanie in the other. 

She was so tempted to go and just knock on the damn door. Or to simply take the spare key from that nice old lady’s umbrella stand and get in.

She almost got up from the side of the street, when she remembered it must have been around 6 AM. 

Her mind immediately went back to that time she got off her shift early, and decided it was a good idea to go at Carina’s to surprise her, while the poor woman was still sleeping peacefully. Startled by the noise of the door opening, her girlfriend attacked her with an avalanche of pillows while screaming nonsense in Italian. Once all the fuss calmed down completely, and Maya was able to soothe Carina, they laughed about the futility of cushions against a probable home intruder. More than anything, Maya was surprised at how nothing could really seem to make Carina mad, not even her breaking in, uninvited, while outside was still cold and dark.

She smiled: Carina calmed her senses and made her more at peace than she could ever admit.

– Maya? Is that you?

She turned towards the voice that startled her, eyeing Carina’s neighbour in his jogging attire: – John?

He smiled kindly: – I thought it was you. What are you doing here?

Maya was uncertain as how to answer: what was she doing there, really? Because it seemed to her that the only thing she had accomplished, was being miserable.

Seeing that she was hesitant, John sat down beside her and puffed a lock of red hair that was hanging over his glasses: – I thought you two went on vacation again.

Maya's head jerked up in his direction, a frown obscuring her blue eyes: – What do you mean?

– Well Carina’s car is gone... – He gestured at the empty spot where the blue sedan was usually parked. – And she hasn't been back at the apartment in a while now...

Maya's head started spinning uncontrolled, uncontrollable. She felt like she was going to throw up, and her vision blurred. 

Where was Carina? Her own lash out and mean words were the reason behind her disappearance, weren’t they? 

She almost didn't notice John's fingers grabbing her wrist when she tried to get up. She needed to know where her girlfriend was, she needed to know it right now.

A concerned glare came her way, while John tried to keep the woman's hands between his: – Maya I think you should sit down, you don't look very good...

She took a deep breath, mind fogged, but this time not by the alcohol. She couldn't keep her focus on the man in front of her: his green eyes kept on escaping her sight. She tried to squeeze her own, to better focus on him, but the lack of success only brought her to give up trying to take another laboured breath.

– Maya... You're having a panic attack...

John's voice came muffled by the ringing in her ears: she was having a fucking panic attack.

Again.

Only this time, Carina wasn't there to help her through it.

– Hey… Hey Maya, calm down. What do you want me to do? – Of the talking blur in front of her, the only thing she could seem to recognise was the carrot hair. – Do you need me to hug you?

Maya grimaced at the idea: she hated unsolicited touches in general, let alone by some guy in jogging leggings on the side of her girlfriend's street while she was having a panic attack.

But that was the point, wasn't it? 

Carina wasn't her girlfriend anymore.

Maya shook her head forcefully: she needed to snap out of it as soon as possible.

She was a gold medallist and a Seattle Fire Captain, for crying out loud. She certainly wouldn't be stopped by a couple of short breaths, would she? Eyes forwa...

" _No_."

Carina's voice came soothingly to Maya's hears, sweet tone accompanied by gentle eyes.

" _No eyes forward."_

On her knees, right in front of her, Carina took Maya’s boiling face between her hands, lips inches apart from her own.

" _Eyes only on me_."

The calming fragrance of her raspberry shampoo mixed with the softness of her deep, brown eyes, inebriated Maya's senses, while the Doctor’s long fingers managed to get lost in a blonde maze.

" _Focus only on me_."

Her gaze fell to Carina's robe, and how it left space for her olive skin to shine. The Italian's features were now slightly flushed by the sun, but the flash displayed by the falling bathrobe was studded with tiny drops of water and sweat, like dew on a flowery meadow.

" _Good... Now breathe Maya, breathe_."

And for every breath she took, one of her senses came back to her. 

First was her vision, filled by a worried John on the verge of calling 911.

Secondly was her hearing, hunted by the honking in the distance.

Then was her balance, which came back more slowly, while John reluctantly left her hands. 

Carina brought her back again.

She took another deep breath.

" _Eyes only on me_."

There was something else she could feel again, something she didn't even realize she was missing so deeply.

" _Only on me._ "

Her heartbeat was back.

“ _Me_."

Carina brought her heartbeat back.

But Maya realized she had nothing more than that.

She was alone in the world, with nowhere (no-one) to focus her eyes on, but forward.

And yet her heart was still beating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> So this is my view on where Maya went after the 3x16 party, since when the team woke up, she was nowhere to be seen...  
> I hope you enjoyed and if you feel up to it, leave a comment!  
> Thanks for reading and as always, stay alive friends!


	5. Every piece of the puzzle fell into place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya walked nervously across the parking lot of the hospital, Jack’s words resonating loudly in her head. She just needed to say that she was sorry. Because she was, for everything: the coldness she gave Carina at times, the unexpected runs and the cheating over everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER
> 
> The underlined and italic conversations are dialogues that happen in Italian!

Maya's reflection stared right back at her, eyes puffy and an incredulous frown painted on her forehead: Carina was right.

Carina had been right all along.

Her father was abusive.

And that was it.

She simply never saw it before, blinded by the adoration she felt towards him, something grilled into her probably by fear. Fear of the consequences, those subtle punishments that crept up her spine when he suddenly stopped talking to her for weeks if she came in second; when he made her run home after practice if she seemed a bit distracted; when he threw her favourite dishes around the kitchen, if she didn’t beat her own time and had the courage to be satisfied anyway.

But today, for the first time ever, he dared to touch her. 

In front of the entire Seattle Fire Department, no less.

And it was like in an instant, everything came back to her: every scream, every fist pounded on the table, every silence treatment; she felt them all over again, all together. And Maya simply couldn’t ignore them anymore: finally, she wasn’t blind, and she could see him for what he was.

Every man around her had promptly came to the rescue as soon as he grabbed her ponytail, just like a team – _a family_ – does, but Maya had to handle it on her own, even if the disbelief that dawned upon her almost paralyzed her whole body.

She screamed at him not to touch her, and he retorted telling her that she needed big strong men to fight her battles. It was right there and then, that Maya realized he was nothing more than a filthy snake with no personal accomplishments: _“I don’t need to win my gold medals through other people, dad. Unlike you, I win them myself.”._

And that was it, she got back to work and never turned to check on him, never thought of how much she could have offended him. He took the abuse to the next level: it was physical now, and she couldn’t deny it anymore. He was an abusive man, and an awful father, just like everybody had been telling her.

For the rest of the call, the base of her neck tingled disturbingly, hunting her already crushed chest. She couldn’t stop thinking about Carina and how much she just wanted to be between her arms right that moment. But she needed to keep going and stay strong, not because of the mantra _eyes forward_ , but simply because she was. She was strong, and fierce and a Fire Captain. And her team was trapped in a building full of bombs. Therefore, she needed to keep her head in the game, even if her hair was annoying her, even if there was nothing she could think about, but cutting it all off. She needed to keep going and get to the end of the call, so she did.

And now there she was, scissors held tightly between her fingers, and the back of her neck still virtually hurting.

She wanted that part of her life gone: all the abuse, the rage, the unwillingness to talk things through, but most of all, her father. She needed to cut them all off and do better.

Be better.

For Carina, but mainly for herself, because by living this way, she was denying herself so much.

– Hey, Cap? Are you still here?

Vic called from inside one of the showers, and Maya remembered that she was in the common bathroom: – Yeah.. – Her voice broke a little, she quickly cleared it before continuing. – Yeah, I’m still here.

– Good, could you pass me a robe or something? – Hughes' cheerful voice betrayed the excitement she felt. Everyone on the team was still high on adrenaline, but Vic was another story. She was always a little bit too perky every time they cut it close. – I forgot it somewhere and I’m kinda naked, you know?

Maya suppressed a laugh: – A shower fully clothed is useless, I’m afraid.

She passed the big towel to the other woman, her head turned politely to the side. Vic grinned largely, mocking her: – How is it that you have a private toilet and you so stubbornly keep on using the common one, _Captain_?

Maya’s blue pools darkened a little and filled up with tears: – My whole quarters still feel filthy to me. – She scoffed, embittered. – Hell, **_I_** still feel dirty.

Victoria nodded understandingly: – You know, people make mistakes, Maya. It’s normal, we’re humans. – She rammed her gently with her shoulder. – And you are too, even if you do everything in your power to hide it.

Maya smiled softly at her friend: – I miss you all guys.

The other woman grinned, understanding perfectly how deeply the implications of that statement actually ran: – Than take your head out of your ass and come back. – She tilted her head right before exiting the room. – And not only to us.

Maya turned back towards the mirror, alone once again with herself and her scissors. This was her opportunity to start over, leaving everything that hurt her and made her hurt others behind. Sure, cutting that damned ponytail wasn’t the solution, with her hair she wouldn’t also lose all her bad habits and behaviours, that self-destructive urge that surprised her every time someone seemed to get a little bit too close. 

But it was a start.

Her dad couldn’t pull her hair anymore.

He lost his tight grip on her.

Maya watched herself in the mirror as she lifted her arms at the level of her head, and the scissors started moving slowly. The sound was satisfying, and the knot in her stomach started unravelling. Once her blonde ponytail was entirely between her fingers, Maya smiled softly thinking about Jay Jay and how she couldn’t call her "Firefighter Barbie" anymore.

This was a new Maya. 

And she finally felt free.

* * *

It was almost 2 PM when an exhausted Carina finally exited the OR. She took her bloody gear off, fighting the urge to cry: this time she got a little bit too close, for her liking. She almost lost both _mamma_ and _bambino_.

She sat on one of the benches positioned at the corners of the dressing room, taking deep breaths and fighting the urge to throw up. She just needed some rest, and a shower, probably. No, actually, she showered just right before she was called into the operating room for the emergency C-section, one of the messiest she has ever seen.

– _Carina_?

She looked up to see her brother scrubbing in: – _Hey Andrea._

He stopped scrubbing and turned around completely: – You look like crap.

His sister laughed loudly: – _Piccolo stronzo. ___

____

– Not so little anymore, always annoying though. – He smiled to her. – It’s been a while since I’ve seen Maya around, is everything good?

____

____

The woman swallowed hard: – No, uhm… yeah… Yeah, all good.

____

____

Andrew sat down with her, his hands still high and the mask on, staying sterile: – _The simple fact that you answered in English is telling me everything I need to know._ – He retorted in Italian.

____

____

– _It was such a mess, in there, Andrea._ – Carina busted the back of her head gently against the wall. – _There was blood everywhere. I swear to God, Swanson was trying to kill that woman and her baby._

____

____

The younger DeLuca nodded understandingly: – _Stop deflecting, Carina, I don’t know if you noticed, but I don't have much time._

____

____

Carina sighted: – _I_ _pushed her, Andrea. I pushed too hard and she cheated on me._

____

____

– _She what?!_ – Andrew calmed down as soon as he realized how harsh he sounded. – _Look, I won’t comment on that.. there is hardly enough time, and I care about more pressing matters... are you okay?_

____

____

– _No, obviously._ – She looked at him patiently, almost if she was resigned to what she felt. – _It’s not even the cheating anymore. I was mad about that, but now… I just miss her, and I just want to be between her arms._ – Carina almost took one of her brother’s hand between hers, but then remembered he already scrubbed in. – _It’s just… I can’t do this again: feel like I’m being crushed like I’m worthless… I want her, but I don’t know if I can survive the risk of relieving all of this._

____

____

Andrew understood what his sister meant: – _Maybe you don’t have to, maybe you can work through it, and your love will be safe._

____

____

Doubt rushed through her once again: – _Amelia says that I have to ask myself if love is enough._

____

____

– _Oh no, definitely not._ – Carina could see him smile from under the surgical mask. – _You need to work for it like everything good in life. Love alone is not enough, but if both parties are willing, you fight for it and love will be worth it._

____

____

Carina was about to compliment him for his wise words, and maybe mock him a little, but Doctor Bailey suddenly busted in and started screaming at Andrew and his incompetence: _“You better get your ass in the OR DeLuca, or God help me!”_ Carina laughed a little at how fast her brother had disappeared under Miranda’s stern look. At the end of the day he was still a big _bambino_.

____

____

In the silence of the room, she closed her eyes and thought back at her own operation: the woman wasn’t her patient, and was being monitored by one of the newest OBGYN, a certain Matthew Swanson, someone she never really stomached. He was a vain man, too self-absorbed, narcissist, and definitely overconfident. And if that wasn’t enough, he was deeply unprepared. She needed to talk to Miranda as soon as possible, that Doctor needed to be put in line, maybe even fired: he was nothing good, _tutto fumo e niente arrosto_. All smoke and no roast.

____

____

Her head spun a little: – _Tutto fumo e niente arrosto…_ – She mumbled. – All smoke and no roast? – She repeated it out loud, because there was indeed something wrong with how it sounded. There was a high possibility it wasn't the right way of saying, but it would have been no news anyway: she was a mess with English idioms.

____

____

– I believe the phrase you’re looking for is "all hat and no cattle."

____

____

Carina’s head shoot up faster than she imagined possible: Teddy Altman stood tall in front of her, leaning against the doorjamb, a soft smile lighting up her features.

____

____

A scoff left the other woman’s lips: – I didn’t know you spoke Italian.

____

____

Doctor Altman came closer, sitting on the opposite side of the room: – I don’t… Back when I was stationed in Germany there were a lot of Italians coming and going. You have a lot of colourful idioms.

____

____

Carina laughed feebly: – Trust me, yours are worse. _Giuro_ , some of them make no sense at all.

____

____

The surgeon tilted her head: – You did fabulously, you know?

____

____

Carina freed her hair from the tie leaving them falling freely on her stiff shoulders: – Doesn’t really feel like it.

____

____

Teddy smiled: – That’s probably because you’ve been miserable all week.

____

____

The Italian decided to ignore the comment and instead looked at her curiously: – You were observing?

____

____

Teddy moved again, nervously: – Yeah… I needed some time to think, so I snuck in the gallery. It was silent for a little while, but then the OR doors busted open and you and your patient came in. Let me tell you, you kicked ass, Doctor DeLuca.

____

____

Carina felt her heart getting heavier and heavier: she missed Maya and how much this very praise would have been different if she was the one giving it: – I miss her, Teddy.

____

____

The blonde’s eyes smiled softly: – I don’t know what happened, but it’s evident something went down between you and that firefighter.

____

____

– Maya. – Carina immediately suggested, still enjoying the taste of that name on her lips.

____

____

Teddy laughed weakly: – Yes, Maya.

____

____

The Italian took a deep breath and then vomited all the words faster than she could: – We haven’t spoken in a week… And right now, I’m more terrified than mad. And also, very, very sad.

____

____

The Cardio Chief nodded slowly: – I get it, believe me, better than you could imagine. – She got up, offering a hand to the other woman. – Come on, let’s go get a cup of coffee.

____

____

– That hideous thing you insist on drinking is nowhere near _caffè_.

____

____

Teddy scoffed: – I swear to God, you Italians must be fancy even when it comes to water.

____

____

Carina didn’t even try to fake offence: – I honestly don’t even see how that can be an insult.

____

____

____

____

____

____

____

* * *

__Maya walked nervously across the parking lot of the hospital, Jack’s words resonating loudly in her head. She needed to say that she was sorry. Because she was, for everything: the coldness she gave Carina at times, the unexpected runs and the cheating over everything.__

 _ _She kept walking, more nervous than ever, headed to the ER. She didn't know Carina's schedule this week, but in the Emergency Room the nurses were always kind to firefighters, so maybe she could steal some information from them.__

 _ _Her heart beated loudly inside her chest, her hair bouncing around annoyingly to strangers' eyes, but giving her a great sense of freedom. She passed the coffee stand where her and Carina sometimes stopped to grab breakfast on their way out of the hospital, and her mind wondered off to sweet memories. She was so lost in her thoughts, longing and hoping that those memories could get back to being reality, that for a moment she thought her brain was playing her and the shape of her Italian ex girlfriend was just an idea out of her mind. Then she realized that Carina's friend Teddy was standing in line for the coffee too. Maya couldn't help herself, excitement and pure fear rushing over her, and her voice cracked when her lips savoured a name she longed to call once again: – Carina...__

 _ _Carina almost froze hearing that voice, pronouncing her name. Her heart skipped a beat, but she wouldn’t let it show, she needed to sound stern and mean. She almost failed because when she turned around, Maya looked at her with the puffiest eyes and a broken glare on her face. Her features were weathered, and she seemed skinner, and tired. Carina had to remember that she was mad and fight the urge to reach for Maya’s cheek: – What do you want?__

 _ _The Firefighter's heart broke all over again, hearing the coldness in Carina's voice: – I'm an idiot. – She scoffed a little. – You were right. I was abused, my dad was abusive... – Her mind immediately realized how bad it sounded like she was justifying herself. – But that is no excuse for what i did to you, and... – Her brain went blank, and everything she thought needed to be said simply disappeaed. – Just please, please, please take me back. – Three words kept on dancing around in her mind, on the tip of her tongue, like they were the only thing that mattered. – I love you. – Maya finally spat out, shaking her head, acknowledging something that could probably save her. She needed to articulate more. – And I've never said that about anyone before... Except my brother, so it means something... – She took a deep breath and continued. – I love you, Carina. I'm sorry, I am sorry. – A waterfall of tears left her blue eyes and her voice cracked. – I'm sorry... Just please, forgive me.__

 _ _Teddy's soul shrunk in pain hearing the Captain words. She understood better than Carina could ever imagine. It wasn't the same thing, but on a certain degree, she could relate to Maya's situation. So she suggested that Carina did something she hoped Owen could do for her: – Oh my God, forgive her.__

 _ _The Italian was startled by her colleague's voice, still lost in Maya's words. Her mind felt slowed down by everything she was feling, it was too much, almost attacking her on a physical level. So she released the most italian sound she knew, certain that it would scare Teddy off: – Ahhhh!__

 _ _Teddy stood at attention: – Sorry, sorry I... – She scooffed and took a little step back.__

 _ _The Cardio Chief's suggestion ubrubtly made Carina's blood boil all over again and this time she was mad for real: – She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend... – Her rage wasn't directed towards Teddy, so she quickly turned to Maya. – And then you throw it in my face just to hurt me.... What am i supposed to do now? – Tears filled her eyes and the same doubt that hunted her since that morning's talk with Amelia came back. – Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?__

 _ _Maya's features cracked into uncertainty, while her chest felt heavy seeing Carina hurting that way: – I don't know. – A bitter smile appeared shyly on her lips. – I don't know. – She looked back at Carina with a determined look. – But I'm okay spending every day trying to convince you to.__

 _ _Carina was taken aback by Maya's statement, the sincerity lighting up her eyes, and a fierce determination defining her tired features.__

 _ _Teddy watched the exchange of loaded glares between the two women, and she couldn't stop herself: – Forgive her!__

 _ _Carina couldn't process what was going on: – Ohhh!__

 _ _Doctor Altman held up her hands: – I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I just... – In no way, this situation was similar to hers: the two loved each other in such a painfully obvious way, that there was nothing to be done but keep fighting. – If you love her, forgive her.__

 _ _Carina registered her friend's words and looked at her sweet, broken Maya, looking right back at her imploring with her blue orbs. It was in that moment that Carina realized that her brother was right, and she could never resist those ocean pools. Love is enough, it is worth it: – I love you, Maya.__

 _ _The Fire Captain felt something inside unwind as the woman in front of her smiled: she started crying because Carina finally took her back. And now she didn't only feel free and new, she also felt at peace, and calm, like she finally reached the eye of the storm and everything around her settled down.__

 _ _Carina smiled widely, opening her arms to feel again that sense of belonging she missed so deeply: – Come kiss me.__

 _ _And Maya did. And for both of them everything clicked again, the World around disappeared and it was just them, like they both wanted. Maya whispered sweet nothings at every small kiss she disseminated on Carina's lips, while the other woman ran her hands through her hair. She moved away suddenly, like she realized something out of the blue: – _Ma che hai combinato?___

 _ _Maya looked around embarrassed, eyeing Teddy walking away silently and with a big, satisfied grin on her face. Her adoring attention was soon back on the woman between her arms: – I have no idea what that was.__

 _ _Carina laughed softly: – Your hair...__

 _ _– There's a story behind it... I, uhm... – Maya fidgeted nervously, clearing her voice. – I need to tell you about it.__

 _ _Carina sensed her discomfort and took her girlfriend's cheeks between her hands: – It's okay, _Bella_... You don't have to tell me...__

 _ _– But I want to, Carina... – Bishop's eyes ran fast and smooth from her girlfriend's lips to her deep, safe, brown irises. – I want to tell you, just... Just not here.__

 _ _Carina fussed a little bit longer with the newly short hair, smiling. – I like it. – She kissed Maya again and then moved away slowly, whispering softly in her girlfriend's neck, hands still tangled in the hair, lips swollen and cheeks hurting from all that smiling. – Take me home, _Bella_.__

 _ _Maya nodded eagerly, stealing another sweet kiss from the Italian woman.__

 _ _And every piece of the puzzle finally fell into all the right places.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally their reunion!  
> Let me know all your criticism, comments and suggestions down below.  
> Stay alive, friends!


	6. They were home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya moved away, in order to be able to look her girlfriend in the eyes: – I hurt you, I was literally out for blood.  
> The other woman moved her hands to hold Maya's cheeks, struggling to control her emotions: – You hurt me. And you were ruthless, and venomous... And you crushed me. – Carina breathed in, her fingers shaking in front of Maya’s lips. – You crushed me... just out of spite.

Carina felt the sofa shift beside her, and Maya reappeared in her field of vision, a plate full of snacks in one hand and the other firmly gripping the backrest of the couch in order to balance herself. She leaned forward to leave a soft kiss on Carina’s forehead, but grimaced and self-consciously stopped in her tracks.

The brunette sighed in disappointment: after the enthusiastic kisses at the coffee stand, Maya had turned a little cold, almost like she was taking a step back, like if she regretted what had just happened. But it couldn't be than.

_Maya non può essersene pentita._

Thinking back at it, everything started going sideways when she asked about the haircut: Maya had turned stiff and embarrassed and followed her silently to her office, where Carina collected her things.

She didn’t miss the pained look on the blonde’s face when they entered the car and the little furry dolphin was nowhere to be seen.

The ride home was silent, but not uncomfortable. Maya was tired, emotionally exhausted: the whole time, she fought the urge to ask Carina to stop and just let her out, let her run on the sidewalk. But she couldn’t: she wasn’t a runner anymore. Well, she was still a runner, but not a _runner_. They needed to talk, and she would willingly muscle her way through uneasiness and upsetting feelings chats, if it meant she could just get a second chance at life with the Italian.

And now there they were, awkwardly sitting on a couch full of memories and hopes, with the TV running in the background, eating snacks from a plate that kept them at a safe distance.

Carina inhaled deeply: – I missed the scent of this place.

Maya snorted, chewing blatantly, her mouth full: – Should have been here a couple of days ago, it was a mess. – She swallowed her food, almost regretting the smugness. – Andy and Vic… they helped to clean up a bit.

Carina noticed how the Captain was walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid to mess it all up again. She smiled wholeheartedly: she didn’t want to push her, hell that was probably the last thing she’d ever do. She moved her eyes to the ground: – I’m sorry.

Maya’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief as soon as she heard her pronounce those words: – What for?

Carina turned her head to the side, ashamed: – All the pushing and pulling. – The other woman’s frown grew bigger. – I pushed you that afternoon, I wouldn’t stop, I wouldn’t drop it… I was the one who drove you right between Jack’s arms.

– Carina. – Maya searched her brown eyes trying to keep them locked to her blue orbs. – You had nothing to do with me cheating.

The Italian’s insecurity boiled up: – Nobody ever cheats if the relationship is good, _no_?

Maya reached for her hands, like if she wanted to hold her, but still keeping her at a safe a distance: – I was an idiot, and that is it. That was the problem between the two of us, Car… Not you, nor the fact that you tried to open my eyes about my abusive father. Just me.

Carina shook her head: – I still pushed yo…

The volume of the TV seamed to turn up on its own when both their attentions were drawn to the device: – _Earlier today, at the recently shut down Pacific Northwest General Hospital, the building integrity was severely damaged by a fire and a series of explosions._ – The images shown on the screen were from the morning: firefighters and police officers running all around the scene. Carina’s eyes were drawn to long blonde hair under an orange helmet. She smiled, that was her girl: Maya was in the middle of a circle of men in uniforms, screaming orders right and left with a confident manner. – _While trying to rescue a group of doctors and researchers, an entire team of our brave Seattle Firefighters was trapped in the basement of the structure with a bomb. The mortal devices are believed to have been planted by a group of extremists anti-choice, says the Settle PD, probably because of the use of embryonic stem cells in the research._ – The camera closed in on the A shift from Station 19 exiting the building, and before Carina could really register what was going on, the news reporter reappeared. – _Unfortunately, the leader of the promising and innovative research, Doctor Alba, has sadl…_

Maya reached for the remote and turned the TV off. She couldn’t stomach it now. She couldn't think about how close she got to lose everyone she cared about. She couldn't think about her fucking father pulling her hair. 

She couldn't, but she had to. 

And she _wanted_ to talk about it with Carina.

– Maya _, Bella_... – Carina took the plate with the snacks and put it on the coffee table. Turned back again towards the Captain and reached for her hands. – I heard about it... I-I didn't know that was your team. – Maya took back her hands, looking away, and Carina could confidently say she felt the loss of the contact in her bones. – How are you feel...

– He was there. – Maya cut her off, still looking everywhere but in her eyes. 

Carina was confused: – I-I don't understand...

– My father... He was at the Station, he showed up out of the blue when the team and I got called in... – She shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. – And then I turned around at the scene, and he was in the front line with other civilians. 

Carina frowned, not quite understanding what he would be doing there.

– He made a scene in front of everyone and... – Maya's fingers started fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. – He pulled my ponytail. 

Two deep brown eyes shot out of the Italian woman's head: – He... _Cosa?!_

Maya was breathing slowly now, controlling every movement of her chest, her eyes watery: – He took me by my ponytail because I turned my back on him... And as soon as he did, I just wanted it gone: I couldn't stand feeling my long, blonde hair under my helmet anymore, I just... 

_– Oh Bella..._

Maya drew a deep breath, counting to four, her eyes still not looking in Carina's direction: – He made it physical. The abuse... it was undeniable. And I just wanted my hair gone. So, I chopped it all off in the common bathroom at the Station. – Her blue eyes shut, and her hands firmly gripped on the fabric of the shirt. – I felt a little bit freer, you know? I did, I felt like I could breathe again...

The room fell into complete silence: Carina inhaled loudly trying to calm her running mind. Nothing she could think about seemed fit to be an appropriate answer to what she just heard. If she could have help it, she would have never let Maya navigate that discovery alone. She couldn't immagine how confusing and hard it was to process the abuse of her father, especially since it was being accepted so late and in such a traumatic way. She looked at her girlfriend, who still so stubbornly refused to look at her, and noticed how asymmetrical the haircut actually was. She reached forward and tapped the short hair: – It suits you, Maya... – The blue eyes that finally locked with hers, could see the sincerity and the understanding that floated around in her brown irises. Carina wanted to switch the mood, lighten it a bit and that is when the biggest grin appeared on her tilted face. – It's a little bit... How can I say it, _storto_? It's not very symmetric, we should go to the haircutter.

Maya let a little laugh escape her lips: – Hairdresser.

Carina dismissed her with a wave of her hands, simply happy to hear that melodic sound once again: – Well, as long as it is someone that _knows_ how to cut it, you can call it however you like.

Maya laughed harder, she feel every emotion she ever lived rush through her, her eyes bluer than usual due to the tears that still poured copiously. She needed to say it again, to hear her voice repeat over and over the words that saved her: – I love you, Carina.

The Doctor smiled fondly and went in to kiss her, but Maya pulled away again and blocked Carina's hands between hers. It was the umpteenth time that Maya so stubbornly refused her advances, and Carina's heart broke. Even her body couldn't take it anymore, every time Maya pulled away, the pain that attacked her, brought her right back to the night of the cheating, and she felt it all over again in every bone, every fibre of her being: – Maya… – She groaned, she wanted nothing more than a kiss. – Maya, talk to me, what is it? Why do you keep on pulling away?

– I feel dirty, Carina. – Maya’s blue eyes stayed fixed on the four hands now intertwined on her lap. – I can’t bring myself to touch you, because I feel filthy. I feel dirty all the time, it’s ridiculous. – She turned tense and moved away from her girlfriend. – That night, after you left, I kind of lost it… I got drunk and mad and I broke things. Then I fell asleep on the floor, out of exhaustion and probably shame, remorse, drunkenness... – She drew a deep breath and shook her head. – The morning after I took a shower and run to work. When I got there, I showered again. – Carina frowned in pain, already knowing where this was going: a pattern of real and undeniable self-destruction. – Then the team ate dinner while I stayed in my office, but I felt dirty, so I took a shower. And another one, after the most boring and uneventful shift I ever had ended. And then Ben and his judgmental glares gave me a ride home, and when I got in here, I felt sick and I showered again. But I still felt dirty, nevertheless. – A bitter smile appeared between the two streams of hot tears. – I still do now.

Carina took advantage of the fact that Maya was still holding her hands, and pulled her in closer, engulfing her completely: – You're not dirty, nor filthy, Maya. You're just human and you made a mistake. – She thought back at everything that went down between them and her tears started mixing with Maya's. – I honestly think I have already forgiven you, but you have to promise me that we can work on this. On us. Because we are worth it.

From her clavicle a muffled sob left the firefighter's lips and reached her ears: – I would want nothing more...

Carina's heart leaped: – Then you should try and forgive yourself.

Maya moved away, but this time only in order to be able to look her girlfriend in the eyes: – But I hurt you, I was literally out for blood.

The other woman could feel once again the pain of that night and the following days: – Yes, yes you were... _E mi hai ferita così tanto_... – She moved her hands to hold Maya's cheeks, struggling to control her emotions. – You hurt me. And you were ruthless, and venomous and _crudele_ … and you crushed me. – Carina breathed in, her fingers shaking in front of Maya’s lips. – You _**crushed**_ me... just out of spite.

– I know… I know, Car… – Maya moved in to lean her cheek on the other woman's hand. – I’m sorry.

Her brown orbs didn't lie: – I love you, Maya. 

Hearing those words again was a lifesaver, the Captain felt at peace, like she didn't need to run forward anymore. With the most serious glare she had ever used in her life, she fixed her blue wet irises into Carina's deep brown ones, and nodded confidently: – We'll find a way.

Carina moved towards her, hiding her head at the base of Maya's neck, and she finally was right where she belonged: – We will. _Insieme._

The darkness quickly fell on the couple with a veil of quiet peacefulness, and the two women held eachother throughout the night, each too scared to let go. 

It wasn't a dream, nor a hopeful chance, they just found eachother again. 

And finally, they were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, they definitely needed to talk... But will these promises full of hopes be enough?  
> We'll see, in the meantime, as always, thank you for reading!  
> Please comment your opinion and suggestions!  
> Stay alive, friends!


	7. Beneath the streetlights and the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carina found herself pacing the length of the hall of her apartment building, nervous like if she had never gone on a date before.

– I just want to talk to her so badly.

Diane titled her head looking at the Captain in front of her: – Then why don’t you.

Maya tightened her fists, unsure how to keep calm and to keep the discussion going: she just wanted to get out of the office and run. Run so fucking far.

– You know, what happened between the two of you is heavy, undeniably so. – The therapist moved away from the chair and leaned to the side of the table. – But it can be an opportunity to start over. And not only relationship wise.

The Captain sighted: – I’m afraid I… I don't know.

– No, you do know... You see, the real problem here is that you scheduled an appointment with me to talk about your father, and you never mentioned him once. – She shifted slightly and gestured towards the clock. – You actually barely mentioned anything at all... You keep checking the time and you can’t wait to get out of here.

Maya felt put on the spot: everything Diane said was true. She scheduled the appointment and almost said nothing. It was an emergency appointment and the only reason why Diane responded: – I’m sorry I wasted your time.

– You didn’t. – Doctor Lewis smiled seriously. – I think you and I both reached a so-called revelation. We understood that is not as easy as you thought to open up, even if you want to. But trying is important, and you have to feel comfortable in the environment you are and with the person you're talking to. – She collected her things. – And me, this Station... actually this office, they are a little bit too much for you. Here's a few names you could find useful.

Maya nodded and took the cards of the suggested therapists Diane was handing her: – Thank you, for everything.

– It was a pleasure, Captain.

Exiting the office Maya felt the weight of the session finally lifting, she shook the other woman's hand and they went their separate ways. The Captain headed upstairs to get something to drink: even if she didn't say almost anything it somehow, weirdly helped. She entered the kitchen and found Vic seated on the table with a mug full of cereals between her hands: – Hey there Cap, didn’t know you were here.

Maya opened the fridge trying to hide the effect the session had left on her face inside of it: – It’s my job, Hughes. What abou… – Her brain registered the image of her friend, and she turned around in order to glance at her more carefully. – Wait, are you in your pyjamas eating cereals on the table?

– Miller kicked me out, I kind of live here now. – She didn’t take a breath nor slow down while spitting those words. – Did you really not know?

Maya shook her head: – You cannot stay here.

Vic grinned and plaid the card she had been waiting to throw at her friend for almost two weeks, a sharp inclination to her tone: – No shit Sherlock... Are you gonna let me stay at yours?

Bishop was taken aback by the auto-invitation: she had a spare bedroom now that Andy was living with Jack. Or maybe she was staying at Sullivan's, now? Did it even matter? Her best friend wasn’t talking to her anyway, so: – Yeah, okay... we’ll split the rent.

– Really? – A deep voice startled both the two women. – First, you cheat on your girlfriend, and then you move in with someone else without even consulting her? – Jack leaned on the fridge, prompting the blonde to move back slowly. – I crossed paths with Doctor Lewis coming in, was she here for you and your daddy issues?

– Gibson what the hell? – Vic almost threw the mug at him.

– No, Hughes, stay out of this. She has ignored me since the day of the Pac North explosions and I’m sick of it.

Vic stood up and went confidently in his direction: – Do you really think you have voice on the matter? You go around preaching how much you changed, but at the first occasion, you screw up majorly without even thinking about it twice. – Her index bumped on his chest in the most judgemental way possible. – And you didn't fuck up only for yourself, but you manipulated Bishop and messed up two people who are clearly in love.

Jack stood taller: – What are you saying, _Hughey_.

Maya felt the need to intervene: – Stand down, Lieutenant.

Vic’s eyebrow moved up quickly, challenging: – I’m saying you’re a crappy friend, _Jacky_.

Maya slammed the cabinet close: – Enough! – She looked at both of them with disbelief mixed with rage. – Hughes get dressed; shift's started. Gibson, get out of my sight.

– Oh, so that’s how it’s going to go now, uh?

Maya frowned at his audacity: – _Lieutenant_ , that was an order.

As Gibson exited the room, she turned around and softly bummed her head on the closed cabinet. 

Jack was right too: she was freezing him out and for no particular reason. It wasn't his fault, not completely, at least. It took two people to do what they did, and out of the two, she was the only one with a significant other. But now that she made up with Carina, she was terrified to talk to him, or even look at him for too long, afraid that the shame would make her catch on fire.

Her head hit the cabinet again, accompanied by a loud groan: – Well done Bishop, add this to the ever-growing list of messes.

Andy walked in, in that exact moment and was almost tempted to turn around and get out of what was assured to be an awkward situation; but she couldn’t, Maya had been spinning for so long, she couldn’t turn her back on the woman again. She giggled softly: – I don’t even know how to do this anymore.

Maya turned around and joined the woman: – I’m sorry about that. – As she realized what she just said, her laughter grew. – It kind of became the mantra of my life. 

Andy watched her friend get into a more straight and composed posture: – I bet it did, but we already said we’re sorry… So if you want to talk, I’m here.

– Talking is the only thing I do now. But I have barely talked to Carina since the night of the Pac North Fire and… Urgh... – She groaned and punched the counter. – I want to fix things with her.

Andy smiled softly: – You will… keep working on it.

Bishop smiled too, thinking about how much easy it all could have been if she just wasn’t that much fucked up.

Herrera tilted her head: – And I know what you’re thinking. You are messed up, but so is everybody else. You’re working to improve, and that is enough for now.

Maya shook her head, defeated: – I just don’t feel like I’m improving.

– Bishop it’s barely been a week, keep talking to people, keep working on yourself, it’ll be okay. – She scoffed. – How long does it actually take to take out a structural fire, _Captain_?

The alarm interrupted the moment, leaving the two women looking at each other. Bishop was the first to talk: – Will you ride with me on the ambulance? – She almost gave the request like if it was an order, but she stopped herself. Guess something really was slowly changing. – I would like to know about your life, if you want? I feel very out of the loop right now.

Andy simply smiled fondly and tilted her head towards the door: it was going to be a long ass ride.

* * *

– What I’m saying, Ma’am, is that you won’t need a C-section.

The woman in front of her smiled in complete disbelief: – But the other Doctor said…

Carina cut her off with a condescending look: – I know what Doctor Swanson said, and I understand if you want to get a third opinion; but I doubt the other Doctor won’t see it my way. Natural birth is more painful and sometimes less safe, but is the natural thing to do. You have no conditions or problems that suggest we even consider the C-section.

Her husband reached out to squeeze his wife’s hand: – I think we need a third opinion, just to be safe.

Carina smiled at them bitterly, answering the pager that was ringing non-stop: – As I said, it’s okay… – It wasn’t really, but what could she do? She showed them the device and stood up from the chair. – I have to go now; a nurse will be in shortly to help you get cleaned up. – She quickly washed her hands and fake-smiled at them once more. – I will be waiting to see your name on my appointment list, have a nice day.

She exited the observation room and gestured for a nurse to go in: she couldn’t believe that smug Swanson guy was still making children mistakes. C-sections are not candies, you don’t go around handing them out to whoever is asking, just because they are afraid their spouses will go through too much pain. It’s just not how it works. If she had to clean up one of his messes again, she was going to kill him.

– _Io giuro che lo uccido._

She entered the room where she had been paged at full speed, not knowing what was going on, nor where she really was, too absorbed by her thoughts. When she lifted her chin, she found herself in front of a bitter Teddy and a slightly tanned Amelia: – Told you she would show up muttering Italian nonsense. – The shorter woman elbowed the blonde, grinning knowingly. – Still as hot as ever, Doctor DeLuca.

Carina laughed fondly at her friend’s antics and went in to hug her. Amelia had gone away for a little family vacation right after their last talk in what she now recognised for being that very same x-ray room.

– I wouldn’t do that. – Teddy stopped the Italian in her tracks. – Do you see how less ghostly she looks? That is spray tan, you’ll end up having it all over your scrubs.

Carina looked at her more attentively and actually noticed the stains she was referencing to; putting her attention back to Amelia she exploded on a liberating laugh seeing how disappointed she was.

Doctor Shepherd faked offence: – Whatever, you try to get tanned with a baby and the Seattle weather.

Teddy ignored her completely and turned to Carina: – So, what got you so worked up that you had to murmur curses in Italian?

– First of all, no curses, only death wishes. – She smiled, but it only lasted a second as her mind went right back at what just happened. – Secondly, Swanson.

Teddy winced reluctantly hearing the name, while Amelia moved her head in each of their direction, not quite understanding what was going on: – New OBGYN hot Canadian guy, Swanson?

The Cardio Chief nodded: – Yes, she cannot stomach him for the life of God.

Amelia grinned widely: – Uhh, do I sense some unresolved sexual tension here? – Teddy almost spitted the coffee she was slowly drinking, and Carina’s eyes got way too big for her face. – What? He’s hot and you’re… – She stopped suddenly conscious of the blonde beside her. She weighted her options and decided it was too late to stop now. – …well, single.

– I hate the guy.

Amelia grinned again: – Yeah, I used to say the same exact thing about a boy in third grade… I ended up kissing him in front of the entire school just to show everyone how much I hated him.

– Amelia, you’re _way_ off with this one, let me tell you. – Teddy hugged briefly the Italian and threw away the empty portable mug. – I have surgery and a department to run… Plus, I’ve heard this story a trillion times these last few days, and she won’t listen to me, only because I don’t have a good relationship status right now. – She tilted her head playfully. – Judgy, by the way. – Her attention was now back to Amelia’s confused features. – Maybe you can try and put some sense into that big, Italian head of hers. I’m out.

Carina looked at her friend, slightly offended: – _Ehi, ti ho sentita!_

Both the brunettes followed Teddy while she exited the room waving at them good luck: she did want to see Amelia’s reaction to the news, but she was sick of hearing how Carina had forgiven Maya and how they now were stuck in a emotion-less limbo. At least they where stuck somewhere together. She was nowhere on all fronts.

– So… – Amelia rubbed her hands in an evil manner. – I’m guessing you owe me some storytelling.

It wasn’t a question and Carina was well aware of that, but she had already talked Teddy’s ear off, and Amelia had been ever-present before the little vacation, so she wasn’t sure of what to do.

Doctor DeLuca took a deep breath and summoned the thoughts she had during all those sleepless nights: – I am in a much better place now, Amelia. – She sat at the table gesturing for her friend to do the same. – Therefore, I just want to make sure you’re really okay with me venting… and I also want to apologize for never checking that you were in the right mind-set for these kind of heavy talks before.

Amelia smiled playfully, but the squeeze she gave to the other woman’s hand told the OBGYN that she acknowledged the interest in her state of mind, and she was grateful: – I’m good Carina, just spill the tea already.

– Maya came here after the Pac North mess; I assume you heard about it on the news? – Amelia nodded expectantly. – Her team responded and was trapped in the basement with a bomb. She was outside coordinating with the other people in charge and her father kind of showed his true colours. – It wasn’t her place to tell the full story, Amelia was loyal and caring, and would have never said a word to anyone about anything personal they shared, but Carina felt like she was betraying Maya. Like she was exposing her, so she always stuck to the bare minimum. – She came here right after they were finished and opened her heart to me. She told me that she’s in love with me and pleaded for me to give her another chance.

– And you forgave her.

There was no judgment in Amelia’s voice and no other bitter sentiment displayed on her features, but for some reason Carina felt the need to keep going: – I don’t know if I have already forgiven her, but I don’t want to lose her. – She looked at her hands in her lap. – And I know that you said that love isn’t enough, but I want this, I want her.

Amelia set up more composed and tilted her head, speaking gently: – I didn’t say it wasn’t, I just asked you to consider every possibility, even the one where love wasn’t enough, and it sounds like you did.

Carina nodded: – I did, and we’ll have to work on a lot of things, but we both have the same objective, so…

– So why are you trying to justify your choices to me? – Amelia tilted her head once again, her sharp profile illuminated by the floor lights. – Actually, I think you’re trying to justify them to yourself.

She was right. Ever since the night of the reconciliation she had tried to talk to Maya again but the woman was closed off. And honestly she was way too scared to try and push her luck a little. She was terrified it would end up like the last time she insisted, and she promised Maya she wouldn't pressure her anymore.

– Since the night we made up, we haven't really talked...

Amelia dropped her hand loudly on the table, the biggest grin of the day painted on her lips: – What kind of night are we talking about here? What level of wild do I have to prepare my ears for?

Carina laughed: – No wild at all, we just fell asleep on the sofa... It had been an emotionally full evening, I didn't want to ruin things with sex.

– You didn't want to complicate things, or you're just not ready to have sex with the woman who cheated on you?

Carina was smitten by how quickly Amelia could shift from playful to serious, and by how much she didn't care to say thing to people's faces. In the end, they were real and undeniable things and it wasn't Amelia's fault they couldn't see them: – I-I... _Dio odio quando hai ragione._

A big grin reappeared on the neurosurgeon's features: – What was that?

Carina rolled her eyes: – I said that I hate when you're right.

– Link does too, and it happens so often you two should straight up hate me directly, it would be easier. – Amelia's giggle was light, as were her features. The obstetrician in her kicked in, and Carina registered how none of the post partum depression's symptoms where there. Her friend was okay, and it was for real this time. – Anyway, aside of my greatness, I don't think there's nothing wrong in waiting and taking things slower this time around.

Carina sighted: – I don't even think she would dare to initiate anything, you know? She feels so bad, she barely touched me. – Her hand skyrocketed in front of Amelia's face, stopping her from firing other dirty remarks. – I mean it in the most chaste way possible. She just feels like it's all her fault.

– Well it is. – The burning look she gained made the neurosurgeon sit up straighter. – What? It is her fault, she's the one who went and cheated.

Amelia was just stating the obvious now, Carina couldn't really hear it: – _Ma non mi dire?!_

– No Italian, please, I'm trying to make a point here and you know it distracts me. – She smiled and picked up her train of thought exactly where she left it. – You kept saying that the cheating wasn't the only problem, maybe you can start over completely now and work things from a different angle. – The brunette squinted her green irises, thinking. – I mean, sex was a major thing before, it's how it all started, right? So maybe take that out of the equation for a while and work on the rest.

Carina nodded, agreeing with everything her friend just said: – We have to work on ourselves.

– But you should start doing it before you turn grey, cranky and old.

And here she was again, the ever playful neurosurgeon, Carina laughed grateful of the mood-lift: – Look at you, you were so serious and wise just a minute ago and now you're acting like a bambina. – When she turned in her direction again, Amelia was the most serious she had ever seen her: Carina was almost afraid to ask. – What uhm... what is going on?

– I just realized something about us.

Doctor DeLuca frowned: – Me and you?

Her features didn't move, not betraying a single emotion: – First of all, "you and I"; secondly, Teddy too.

The tension in the room was growing too much for Carina's liking: – What?

– We all fucked Owen.

Amelia's features cracked open and she released a loud laugh. Carina joined her too because the situation was weird and the build up absurd, but that was an undeniably amusing detail. She stood up offering her laughing companion a hand: – You're such a child.

– We should start a club. – She took the other woman's hand and stood up beside her. – _"The Owen's fucks."_

Carina frowned disgusted: – That is awful.

– You're right, it gives him the credit of the conquests. – Amelia squinted her eyes in concentration once again. – What about _"Ginger Jumpers"?_

Carina laughed loudly, because yes it was ridiculous, but also inexplicably fun: – It has a nice ring to it.

– I knew you would back me up.

She gave her friend a little push with her shoulder as they exited the room together: things were finally falling into place and having someone like Amelia by her side through all this mess had taught her how precious human connections were. She wouldn't fuck up the one with Maya, that was a promise.

* * *

Later that night, Carina found herself pacing the length of the hall of her apartment building, nervous like if she had never gone on a date before.

Maya had popped up in her office in the exact moment she was sending her a text asking if they could go out. The conversation was awkward and interrupted by nervous glares or weird silences, but they finally reached an agreement and decided to have a little walk on the park at sunset. Dinner still felt too official and they needed something that could give them the opportunity to create a little private space for themselves. 

The main door opened and her sweet, old neighbour entered slowly with her rhythmic limp, talking about how beautiful the weather was that day. Shortly after, Maya followed her diligently holding two bags, and nodding along, not really listening. The sweet woman smiled fondly as soon as she noticed Carina: – I believe I found something that belongs to you.

Carina’s cheeks grew a deep shade of red: she wasn’t really used to old people being okay with gay couples. In _Italia_ she would’ve gained judgemental galres, silence treatments and someone would have probably tried to cast the evil eye in her direction. Those reactions really didn’t matter to her, she was used to them, but this kind of sweet remarks still made her heart giggle. By the time her head had finished spinning, and her attention was back to reality, Maya had brought the bags to Miss Armstrong's apartment and was slowly approaching her, reluctant and uncertain as always lately.

The firefighter’s blue eyes scanned the woman in front of them, savouring every inch of the simple outfit, and before she could stop herself, she mouthed the most basic line ever: – You look beautiful.

Carina’s giggle told her that it didn’t really matter: – You do too.

Maya pushed her hands deeply into her pockets and headed towards the door following the Italian that had already started speaking: – How did you end up as Miss Armstrong’s _maggiordomo_ , exactly?

– I crossed path with her down the street and she was struggling so much. – Her eyes softened and her voice became calmer. – Does she really have no one at all?

Carina shook her head with a sad sight: – Her husband died last year and her son lives in Australia, if I’m not mistaken. She only has us neighbours now.

Maya nodded: – I told her to call me, next time she needs anything. – A little laugh escaped her lips at the thought of the conversation. – I had to use my rank to convince her, but as soon as she heard that I’m a Fire Captain she commented that she understood why you’re always... – Her hands left her pockets to reach the height of her face, and her fingers started moving mockingly. – ...“ _so hot and bothered_ ”, and I swear I am quoting her.

Carina felt her cheeks get caught on fire, and the only thing she could think of doing was pushing jokingly Maya with her shoulder. The rest of the walk was relaxed and full of small talk, something they hadn’t really been able to do these past few days. The ice was broken and they were slowly falling back to their old selves.

Maya pointed at a bench on the top of what could be called a hill, if compared to the flatness around them: – Why did we never do this? It’s so relaxing.

Carina shook her head: – I have no idea... Probably because we both work crazy hours?

– Yeah. – Maya’s eyes sparkled, hit by the changing colours of the sky. – That’s probably why. – A comfortable silence fell between them while they sat on the bench, a reasonable distance keeping them apart. – I had an appointment with Diane today... She’s the the firefight...

Carina reached lovingly for the blonde's hand and squeezed it gently: – Rigo, I remember.

– I wasn’t really able to talk to her about everything, but I felt a little less restless after. – Her fingers started playing with the other woman’s. – She suggested other therapists and less familiar environments... I just... – Her eyes left the sky on which they had been fixated up until that point and turned to the Italian. – Would you like to come with me once, maybe? I think it could be helpful, I think that maybe we could learn how to communicate properly?

Carina’s chocolate irises were full of hope: – Yes, I would like to very much. – She scooted closer and almost dropped her head on Maya’s shoulder, but she resisted the urge. – I had some revelations too, today. Coming from someone way less competent than Diane, but one of them is very funny.

Maya’s attention was completely on her, just like it was the time she explained about the dolphins and her childhood summers: – Amelia thinks me, Teddy and her... – She stopped a second, thinking about the right syntactic form to use. – Is it h" Teddy and I"? Actually I don’t care. – Her uncertainty gained a soft laugh from the other woman. – She pointed out that we all slept with Owen Hunt and therefore we should call ourselves the " _Ginger Jumpers_ ", can you believe it?

Maya could barely contain her amusement: she was used to the neurosurgeon’s antics only because she had heard so many stories. This was on another level, though: – Well, it sounds like a good day.

– It was, _più o meno_. – She rested her head on the backseat, enjoying the evening breeze. – I also understood that I would like to take things more slowly this time, if it’s okay with you?

It was Maya’s turn to squeeze their hands closer now: – At whatever pace feels comfortable. – She turned her head towards the sky once again, before a memory hit her and she glanced back at the relaxed woman. – Oh, I almost forgot... Vic is in between places right now, so I invited her to stay at mine for a while. I hope it’s not...

– Maya don’t you dare finish that sentence. – They looked at each other and started laughing loudly. – It came out way angrier than I intended... What I meant is, there’s nothing to ask, you cannot leave your friend on the sidewalk.

Maya nodded slowly: – I know it’s just... Jack kind of got into my head.

Everything around them froze and Carina turned stiff as soon as the name left the firefighter’s lips: – I hate him.

– I know, I’m sorry... – Maya’s body felt suddenly cold and defeated, and her glance turned sad and insecure once again, the little resemblance of confidence she gained during the evening faded away quickly. – I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m sorry.

Carina’s slender fingers reached Maya’s features and caressed her sadness away: – Stop apologizing, please. We’re learning.

Maya pulled her closer and observed her pointing her undivided attention to the sky, already upon its peak of colourfulness. The colours were still of the eye-catching abstract kind, but her irises only had one objective that evening: capturing every single detail of Carina’s expression as she watched the sun set over the skyscrapers. The location wasn’t the most romantic, there were more beautiful parks in town, but this one guaranteed the most privacy. And she didn’t want to be interrupted while her blue eyes marched on every inch of the other woman’s profile, impressing each and any of them more indelibly in her memory.

Carina’s nose moved a little before her smiling lips could pronounce her mocking sentence: – You’re missing all the show, Maya.

Without even thinking, Bishop shook her head: – I’m enjoying every moment of it though your eyes.

Both surprised by what had just happened, they stared at each other in silence. Suddenly, instead of using her words, Carina lifted up her head and pressed her lips lightly to Maya’s. Her fingers left their intertwined hands and reached up to cradle the blonde's jaw, delicately trailing slow patterns on her skin, all the way to the back of her neck. She pulled back almost shyly, and poured all her emotions in her brown orbs. There was a war in her head and hallucinations in her stomach, the world could be burning, but she wouldn’t tear her eyes away from the loving blue one’s in front of her. With a feeling-laden glare, she dove back in, kissing Maya more intensively, as if to tell her that she wouldn’t want anyone else by her side right now.

Maya’s eyelids closed slowly as her body fell undone under Carina’s soft ministrations. They orbited closer and closer, until Carina couldn’t take it anymore and slid into Maya’s lap, who grasped her hips gently but firmly, holding them, safely balanced.

Carina could taste the bitterness of coffee from Maya’s lips, and the other woman was bathing in the scent of Carina’s raspberry shampoo. It was everywhere and it was overwhelming all of the firefighter’s senses. Somewhere along the way, Maya’s hands slipped under the fabric of the Doctor’s shirt, tracing the length of her spine slowly.

Both their minds were barely functioning enough to keep themselves from getting out of control, and when Carina reluctantly moved away to take in a breath of fresh air, Maya couldn't help but just stare in silence, her heart beating loudly and at a crazy rate inside her ears. Carina's cheeks were flushed, her mouth all glossy and her eyes a darker shade of brown. Maya reached forward and gently wiped her lips. They kept on staring at each other in silence, until Carina tucked a strand of loose hair behind Maya’s ear: it was useless, they were too short or too stubborn to stay in place.

Maya giggled softly: – I hate to say this, but I really think we should slow down...

Carina nodded and reluctantly slided back on the bench, still remaining safely between the blonde’s arms. They stayed like that for a while, appreciating the stars slowly peeking through the darkness: – Do you want to talk about it?

Maya’s head was still spinning, her body coming down from an high achieved after a long time of denial. Denial of what she had discovered being her favourite drug: Carina. She shrugged impassively, too concentrated on the almost nightly sky and all the emotions rushing through her veins: – Talking is my least favourite thing, Carina... But if you want to, we can talk about it. For you... – She shifted slightly and placed a ghostly kiss on the brunette's head. – I would do anything, for you.

– We did enough talking for tonight. We’ll discuss it, but not now.

Carina was satisfied with her decision, she needed a little bit of silence to sort the tumultuous emotions that were raiding her brain. She lifted her glare and encountered the moon shyly pushing her way back to the sky, overcoming the dark clouds. Something she read a while back came rushing to her mind and she moved away from Maya, positioning herself so that they could look each other directly in the eyes. She took her girlfriend's hands between hers and smiled warmly: – I want to promise you something. – Maya nodded and Carina could barely keep herself from going in and kissing away the slightly concerned frown, from the other woman’s lips. – _Ti prometto che ti amerò come intendeva la luna. Per tutto il suo percorso attraverso l’oscurità._

Maya looked confused for a second, but then nodded again and left a small peak on Carina’s full lips: – I trust you.

And that was more than enough for the Doctor to know that she made the right promise: she would love Maya like the moon intended, all the way through the darkness; and nothing could tear her away from the warmth she felt every time she was between her arms.

If deserving that love and sense of belonging meant going through some rough paths, and enduring some time apart in order to figure out themselves - together and individually - she was more than willing.

The veil of the night came once again to cover Seattle in its dark embrace and to rock the city to sleep. Maya and Carina cuddled a little longer on the bench, and then headed home, hand in hand. Just them, soft lips and starving hands, passionate thoughts and sweet talks, shining eyes and a love yet to be proven. Just them, alone, in a world with no more walls, beneath the streetlights and the moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the story could end here, we reached a peak for them and they actually talked about things.  
> Going forward I feel like we would have to add drama and angst to revive the essence of the first chapters.  
> Let me know what you think down below, and as always, stay alive friends!


	8. Running a marathon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first real fight occurred on week seven, probably prompted by the fact that they were getting more and more comfortable with each other. Maya trusted Carina blindly now, even with feelings, and the other woman was on her way to reach the full status too.

It had been three months since the date at the park.

The two women dated carefully, once a week, doing casual things like long hikes, visits to museums and mostly stuff that could be considered platonic encounters. Maya was thrilled and couldn’t stop gushing to Andy and Vic about it on every occasion she had, even though Hughes wouldn’t stop teasing her about the fact that they hadn't gone further than long make out sessions yet.

Their friends where a big part of their reconciliation too: two weeks into “dating”, Carina invited the firefighter to a sort of barbecue party held at Meredith Grey’s place. Everyone from Carina’s inner circle was there, even her brother, and Maya was nervous to say the least. In the end, it proved to be a simple challenge: Carina’s Doctor friends were easy going, funny and not at all acting superiorly just because of their degrees; Maya soon discovered that a bunch of drunk surgeons were nothing more than nerds who enjoyed cutting a little bit too much.

Having Ben there was also a bonus: the man was like the secret glue that kept everyone entertained and at the same time in line, no matter who they were. He gave Maya a sense of belonging and reassurance that she rarely felt in these occasions.

At that very same party, Maya understood what Carina meant when she said Amelia was a lot. The woman appeared out of thin air by her side, unexpectedly, and most importantly in the exact moment Carina was caught up in an animated conversation with Miranda Bailey. She offered a smile, something Maya responded to with the same enthusiasm, adding a confident shake of hand. Amelia asked her right away how many fire hazards she could count, and the Captain had to admit, there were a lot. The Doctor then retorted saying that she could tell, because she was getting good at spotting trouble: Maya felt put on the spot with that sole statement.

From there, the conversation seemed to flow smoothly, if not for the fact that the firefighter had the sensation Amelia was fishing around: the questions were carefully calibrated and the waiting for answers a mixture of eagerness and curiosity. Maya felt she was being scrutinized, but she was okay with it because it only meant Carina’s friends cared about her. She mostly hoped she measured up to the expectations, but once the Neurosurgeon moved away, still smiling, she couldn't really tell what the verdict was.

* * *

On their fourth week, they attended therapy together.

Maya had been going twice a week and acclimated herself to the therapist, a stoic old man Carina found herself trusting immediately off the bat. He reminded her of William Windom from _La signora in giallo_ _._ When she started whispering about it to Maya, the woman simply nodded and said _Murder, she wrote._ Carina knew right there and then that her girlfriend was nervous: still on their feet, waiting for an invitation to enter the space, she grabbed Maya's hand and started drawing soothing circles on its back.

The settings of Doctor Hagerty's office were unusual: he advised they sat one in front of the other at the desk, while he observed and guided the conversation from the head of the table. Carina could immediately feel Maya's leg starting to jump up and down uncontrolled and unstoppable. She reached forward to take Maya's fingers between hers once again, sheepishly looking at Doctor Hagerty for permission: he squinted his eyes and tilted his head to the side. It was an ambiguous response, but it wasn't an express prohibition, right? Carina engulfed Maya's bouncing legs between her ankles and once again circled their fingers together. They both smiled, relaxing a little, but neither of them noticed Doctor Hagerty smirking while taking notes on his yellow pad and starting to nod slowly. The ministrations worked like a charm: under the table, still encircled by Carina's calves, Maya's drumming leg slowed down to a 12/8 beat, the backbone of the Carina’s beloved, rolling blues.

The session was hard, harder than expected, but they muscled their way through it.

Together, as promised.

* * *

The relationship with Jack was civil now, for both Carina and Maya.

Gibson apologized to them separately, for very different reasons, and the friendship with his Captain was slowly falling back into place, with that weird friendly competition taking over every aspect of their adventures.

Carina started spending a little bit more time with Maya's friends too, and from her understanding, so did the Captain. Right after her promotion, as a matter of fact, Bishop started acting standoffish and superiorly, maybe thinking she'd lose the respect of her team if she kept going out with them.

To her surprise (but just exactly as Doctor Hagerty predicted) their team outings not only helped improve morale, but also trust in each other.

Carina soon noticed that the 19 had the habit to do either extremely relaxing things, or stupidly reckless ones. She enjoyed both, with a gigantic preference to the relaxing ones, not because of laziness, but rather out of fear that somebody would end up hurt.

* * *

Their first real fight occurred on week seven, probably prompted by the fact that they were getting more and more comfortable with each other. Maya trusted Carina blindly now, even with feelings, and the other woman was on her way to reach the full status too.

The problem though, was still Maya's tendency to fleet at the remote possibility of confrontation. Up until that point, they managed to discuss everything calmly, no screaming and more importantly no running. But this particular fight presented itself differently from the very start.

It was a day like every other at _Grey Sloan Memorial_ , and Carina was doing boring paperwork in her office.

Thinking back at it now, she should have understood something was wrong by the way Amelia entered the room: she knocked; and Amelia Shepherd never knocks.

The Neurosurgeon carefully placed herself in the middle of the room and said: – Carina, the 19 is on its way here. – The lack of premise caught the OBGYN’s full attention. – They called ahead saying their Captain was injured, we know nothing more.

In no time, they were both running breathlessly to the Pit, anticipation eating away at Carina’s stomach and fear crushing her heart. They arrived at the same time a gurney was rolled in, and much to their relief, they noticed Maya’s features were frowned in annoyance: – Guys there are people in serious need of gurneys. I can walk just fine.

Andy stopped the whole team in the middle of the entrance, turned around and fixed her best friend with just a pointed look: – Bishop if you don’t shut up, I swear to God.

They were all completely covered in dirt and dust, Vic still coughing violently from time to time. Doctor DeLuca (and Amelia with her) relaxed as soon as they understood the situation wasn’t too serious: – Maya? Are you okay?

The blonde’s head snapped up immediately and her features softened at the sight of her girlfriend: – Hey Car… I’m fine, they’re blowing it out of proportions. – She jumped off the gurney carefully, approaching the two anxious Doctors while sustaining her left arm with the right hand. – The structure collapsed on us and some debris landed on my shoulder… But I’m fine, okay? – She reached for the other woman’s lips and left a sweet, reassuring kiss on them; she then turned towards Amelia and smirked. – Hello Doctor Shepherd, nice seeing you again.

The green-eyed woman smirked right back: – Nice knowing I won’t have to attend any funerals in the near future. – She then turned to the team. – Come on everyone, collapsing ceilings require concussions checks.

Upon Carina’s insistences, and much to Maya’s displeasure, Doctor Lincoln checked her injury, diagnosing a mild dislocation of her left shoulder, and giving her some pain killers that at first numbed the firefighter senses, leaving her a little confused.

Carina stood by her side during all and every test, far too relieved the debris didn’t fall a couple of centimetres to the right, because considering the damage done to the shoulder, they would have most definitely broke through the helmet. Maya was calm and collected the whole time, being herself the rock for a Carina that was overthinking the incident.

In the end, it was nothing serious, and Link gave a prognosis of four weeks of complete rest to heal, at which point Maya would have to start some physical therapy to gain full mobility and get back to active duty.

Up to that time, everything was flowing smoothly, the two women went back to Maya’s empty apartment: the rest of the team, after being cleared by Amelia, had in fact headed to the Station in order to debrief and fill out the incident report.

Carina started making dinner and asked Maya, once she came back from the quick and careful shower, to please sit on the couch and just rest. The calm didn’t last much longer, because the firefighter, who had been stubbornly pressing Vic for information, received a text that wasn’t particularly pleasing: – Oh come on!

Hearing the angry shout from the kitchen, Carina promptly ran over to the sofa with a questioning look printed on her face: – _Cosa c’è?_

Maya dropped her phone on the couch banging her head on the soft headset: – Sullivan is benching me.

Because of protocol, even though her injury wasn’t major, Maya was being suspended completely for two weeks, with the concession of - after the Doctor’s clearance - going back to work, but strictly to desk duty for another two.

Carina’s shoulders fell down and her back lost all the tension gained in the previous few hours, a big sigh leaving her lips.

– You’re relieved. – It wasn’t a question, but rather a pointed observation.

Carina, caught in the act, didn’t have an excuse, nor the heart to search for any: – I am, you’re right.

Maya could barely believe what she was hearing: – H-how… _Why?_

The Italian sat on the couch next to her, reaching over to grab Maya’s right hand: – I was terrified today. – Her chest tightened a little when Maya turned her head away and withdrew her hand into her lap. – When the call arrived and the only thing they said was that you were injured, I didn’t know what to think, what to expect-

– Yeah, okay, but I’m _fine_.

Carina shook her head with determination: – Except you aren’t, Maya. It could have been much worse, and _grazie a Dio_ , is nothing too serious… but the wrong movement or action and you risk losing your perfect mobility.

Maya’s betrayed features prompted Carina to shrink a little into herself; the firefighter’s voice on the other end of the couch came across calm and almost cold: – You know perfectly well that I was looking forward to working on that big project with the city council. It would be _only_ paperwork.

Hearing the detachment in her voice, made Carina slightly rise her own, out of desperation: – I am glad that you’re not going back to work because I’m terrorized you could end up hurt again, okay? I need a minute to reassess too, Maya!

Maya stood up, incredulous eyes filled with something the Italian couldn’t quite pinpoint: – Look at me, Carina: I am _fine_.

The taller woman stood up too, shouting and gesturing furiously: – First of all, you are not; second, I can’t change the fact that it scares me and sometimes I fucking hate your job!

Maya's mindset was evident now, her eyes were dry, filled with hurt and shrinking into a fine line by the second: – I… – She lifted her right hand signalling Carina to stand back. – I’m out.

With no other worlds, her hair still wet and only t-shirt and sweatpants on, Maya slammed the door and left the apartment. She was enraged and hurt at the same time, overwhelmed by the guilt she felt for unnecessarily worrying Carina. She wanted to run, she _needed_ to run. It had felt like forever since that sensation gripped her heart so intensely, she simply wanted to feel nothing but the air on her face and the burning in her legs. Or to be heard by the person she loved, to at least being able to explain her perspective to Carina. But the woman was terrified and wouldn’t listen to her: so, there wasn’t much else she could do, right?

Inside the apartment, Carina was pacing in front of the fireplace, running her hands obsessively through her hair and cursing her damned insecurities. She just pushed Maya again, and only because she was scared. It wasn’t even true that she hated her job, it actually made her extremely proud. So why did she have to go and act like Maya had just died? It made no sense, she wasn’t normally that much insecure; and now Maya was out there, only God knew where, with a bunch of painkillers in her system and clothes definitely too light for that time of year.

The noise of the front door opening caught her full attention and she struggled to rush over to the entrance: a frowning Vic, head held high and sniffing the air, entered the apartment carefully: – I usually love when you’re over because you cook like a Goddess, but I’m afraid something is burning this time around.

Carina didn’t move, disappointed: – Oh, it’s you…

Hughes’ frown grew as she ran over to the kitchen to turn off the oven: – What’s going on?

The Doctor broke completely: – I pushed her because I was scared, and she’s gone now… I-

The door opened again, and Maya was received by Carina seated on the floor, with her back against the wall. They didn’t say a word, as Vic’s head popped in the hallway: – So… turns out the food is good, I’m going to seal myself in my room and eat… bye.

Carina’s eyes had turned a darker shade of brown, filled with blurring tears: – You’re back.

Maya smiled softly and sat beside her, right hand immediately searching for Carina’s: – I’m back. I should have never left, I’m sorry I did that. I’ll do my best for it not to happen again.

The other woman stubbornly kept her head fixated on the wooden door: – No, _I_ am sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.

Maya was incredulous: – Carina… Hey Car, look at me. – Her baby blues were instantly engulfed by the warm chocolate of the Italian’s eyes. – You didn’t push me, okay? You didn’t. I left because it breaks me that something I love so much as my job, gets you so worried and makes you overthink things.

The brunette’s eyes fell to the cracks on the floor: – You weren’t even gone for ten whole minutes and I was so preoccupied. It’s _ridicolo_ _._

Maya broke into a small giggle: – I didn’t even get to the next block when I realised how stupid what I just did was, and how worried you must have been.

Carina’s lips cracked into a small smile acknowledging how far her girlfriend had already come: – What I said was not true: I don’t hate your job. – Her hand left its place in her lap and reached for Maya’s cheek. – What you do, it makes me very proud… but I also worry a lot, because the sole idea of something serious happening to you makes me go spiralling. _Impazzirei, Bella_ _._

Maya tilted her head and leaned on her girlfriend’s palm: – I’ll do better on communicating work related stuff, okay?

Carina kissed her softly: – And I’ll do better on telling you what I feel instead of confusingly bottling it up.

The long, sweet kisses that followed the promises were interrupted once again by Maya’s laughter: – Look at us, we are almost pro at this whole “ _feelings-related_ ” stuff.

The Italian laughed too, standing up and extending her arm to help Maya: – I think we are too. Come on, you should put on something warmer before you catch a cold.

The pout on the blonde’s face was almost irresistible: – Okay, but you go and get us some food, before Vic and her infinite stomach finish everything.

– I love you. – Carina pronounced the words almost without thinking, eager to express the feeling of fullness in her chest.

Maya’s sentiment matched her girlfriend’s: – I love you too.

– And I love this _lasagna_ and you both, but I need some water and the floor is way too uncomfortable to eat on. – The two women frowned surprised, but Vic sent a condescending glare their way. – What? Did you really think I was going to lose the opportunity of a front row seat to understanding what was happening?

Maya joked, fixing her brace: – I would like to remind you this is my apartment.

Vic kept walking towards the kitchen: – And I would like to remind _you_ that I pay rent and you can’t really blame me for aspiring to that level of healthy relationship.

* * *

Doctor Lincoln was able to convince the Battalion Chief that Maya was going through a speedy healing process, and therefore could go back to desk duty on week two of her recovery. The Captain, on her part, promised not to do anything that could possibly endanger the mobility of her shoulder.

She dove back in completely into her newest project: with the help and the funding of the city council, she started an interactive course for schools to teach kids how to behave in case of fires. She also managed to somehow squeeze in the requalification of old hydrants in the poorer parts of the city, and a project to make the ambulances do weekly rounds to check on the most popular homeless’ gathering points of Seattle.

And that’s exactly what, four weeks later, led to the interview taking place in her office. An elegant man from the local newspaper was sitting in front of her, smiling: – You know, Captain, with all that you were able to accomplish, some might speculate you have superpowers.

Maya laughed at the bluntness of the interviewer: – I wish I had superpowers... Or at least a magic wand of some sort. – She shot a longing glare to Carina, who was standing just outside her office, peeking through the open door. The brunette's proud features gave her the confidence to keep going. – All I have are big ideas and even more gigantic hopes. Oh, and a bunch of money kindly provided by the Mayor.

The man in front of her tilted his head, in a motion that denoted nothing short than pure adoration, joining her in the loud laugh: – Well, at the rate you're achieving, you'll probably run out of money long before you get all those ideas off the ground.

Maya shook her head again: – Nah... I'll probably run out of time first.

She said it casually, almost indifferent to the real, crushing weight of her words. The interviewer smiled interpreting the punchline as a joke, not knowing how much devastation and realness it actually held. But not everyone in the room let it slide unnoticed: Carina's eyes shut quickly, the burning sensation that crept up her throat trapped her breath in her lungs, with nowhere to escape. She swallowed hard and tried to compose herself by coughing a little, but the instincts were too strong, so she stood up and started pacing the small hallway nervously.

The two people inside the office stood up too, making the usual small talk that signalled the end of a meeting. After thanking each other profusely and saying goodbye, Maya joined the other woman and engulfed her in a tight hug. The Doctor reciprocated, whispering how proud she was of her and all of her accomplishments. And while leaving a fleeting, sweet kiss on her girlfriend's head, Carina prayed, begged the Universe to please, please be kind, and not hurry in reclaiming this particular streak of stardust.

– So… – Maya’s smart look caught Carina’s attention: she was up to something. – I got a little something from the Mayor…

– _Ah sì?_

The Captain nodded furiously: – Yeah, four tickets to the Spa!

Carina looked at her, very impressed: – What? Really?

– Yeah, really. – Maya kept jumping up and down in excitement. – And in one of those super fancy palaces where they give you couple massages and there are insanely big pools.

Carina laughed: – Maya, they give you massages in almost every Spa.

The Captain took the other woman's hand, faking offence: – Yeah whatever, I’m not that fancy. Anyway, I've got free tickets and I was thinking of asking Ben if he'd come.

The OBGYN was once again surprised: – Vic will kill you if you do that.

Maya shrugged: – That's probable, but he helped with the city project, and you are friends with his wife, so...

Carina stopped and gave her girlfriend a kiss: it was getting easier and easier between them; Maya grew even more comfortable than Carina herself with talking about feelings, and kept on doing small things like this one, to show her how deeply she cared. She still couldn't talk much about her father, nor she had a restored relationship with her mother, but with the right amount of time, Carina was certain Maya would accomplish both.

After all, they were running a marathon together, she'd just have to be patient: it already bore a lot of fruits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, this is more of a transaction piece than a chapter itself, so it's a little slow...  
> Hope you enjoy anyway!  
> Stay alive, friends!


	9. Cool heads and burning hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the meantime, on the floor below, panic was taking over, rushing from a firefighter to another through thin air like a filthy virus: Ben tried every number in his phone book, while Vic was obsessively calling Jackson. Each and every call went unanswered, like there was no signal at all.

– No, wait a second. – Amelia stopped her Italian friend by pushing her warm cup of coffee on her stomach. – You've just spent the whole weekend with your hot, blonde, firefighter girlfriend doing nothing but relaxing at the Spa, right?

Carina was exhausted: – _Sì, Amelia, sì._

 _–_ Then why the hell are you so cranky?!

Carina started walking again, decided to ignore the other woman's antics, but Amelia Shepherd wasn't used to bailing that much easily: – Carina I'm serious; did something happen? I bumped into Bailey coming in and she was a literal ray of sunshine.

Carina gave up and leaned against the wall of the empty corridor: – Nothing happened. _Niente._

The Neurosurgeon wrinkled her forehead: – Then what is it?

The OBGYN's head bumped into the wall a few times: – It had just been _so long_ since I saw her like that.

Amelia tilted her head before taking a big sip of hot coffee: – Relaxed?

Carina closed her eyes and clenched her jaw: – Almost naked.

Two green orbs practically fell out of Amelia's head: – What?!

Carina shook her head, huffing resigned. She looked up to the ceiling and started walking again: – I shouldn't have said anything, just let it go.

Amelia reached her quickly, putting herself between the sad woman and the fire door that lead to the other ward: – No, I'm sorry, I wasn't judging, I just didn't expect it, okay? – Carina knew perfectly well that Amelia didn't judge, but this whole thing was starting to eat away at her confidence. Nevertheless, she stopped and kept listening to the other woman. – You said a bunch of times that you stayed at her place or that you two slept together... I just assumed it involved sex.

It was a valid assumption, because Carina never actually responded to the teasing that came after her statements: – In Italian, to sleep together means just... Well sleeping. It's my fault, I mistranslated at first and then I just didn’t have the heart to admit it.

Amelia nodded seriously, doing the math in her head; counting the days, weeks, months: – Has it been three months?

– A little bit more than three months, _sì_ _._

The Surgeon raised her cup to toast: – Well, let me tell you, you are a strong, strong woman.

A deep sight left Carina's full lungs: – I miss it. My whole body misses _her_ so much, Amelia. – She lifted her head, pointing her eyes to the ceiling. – And I can't even think about it because I'm _so_ frustrated I might start crying.

Amelia was confused and impressed at the same time: – I thought you said you would wait _a little_... I honestly have no idea how you managed.

Her shoulders fell with resignation: – The plan definitely wasn't waiting this long... But then things between us just got so good. – Silent warm tears threatened to spill, but Carina was determined to keep them in. – We are at such a healthy place now, and the only difference from before is the absence of sex. And I know coming from me it must sound so weird, but… What if I blow everything up? – She shook her head with strong conviction. – At this point I can't lose her, Amelia. I would not survive.

The green-eyed woman reached forward, sympathetic: – What about her?

Carina grabbed the hand offered and gave it a tight squeeze, before dropping it again inside her coat pocket: – She told me from the start that it was about _my_ pace, whatever speed _I_ needed to go at. – She absentmindedly played with the stuffed toy hidden between the folds of the white fabric. – There were times when things started to get heated up, but then she pulled back and I-

– You just got more insecure. – Amelia observed her friend nod once again, defeated, and cursed herself for not noticing before how hard this was affecting her. – You need to talk to her... I know this kind of heavy talk isn’t exactly something that will get you running under the covers, but she needs to know.

– _Sì, ma_ what if the sex ruins everything?

Amelia pushed her, frowning: – Don't be ridiculous. You already know the sex is good, there is no way it could ever be a deal breaker of some sort. You're just being stupidly _scaramantica_ , you Italian witch. – It became a thing between them when Amelia discovered how much superstitious Carina actually was, and how many things that scared her came from her Italian heritage. They just made no sense to her American eyes, but she respected them, with just a little bit of occasional teasing. – Just talk to her, she deserves to know how you're feeling... God I don't even want to imagine what she must be thinking about this whole _no-sex-yet_ situation.

Carina felt like she was just hit by a lightning bolt: she never saw it from that perspective. How selfish of her? Maya must have been feeling terribly, and all just because, since the cheating, she turned into an insecure, superstitious woman.

Amelia must have read the spiralling in her features because she rushed to the rescue once again: – It's not your fault, Carina. If it was getting unsustainable she would have said something, okay? You told me she’s getting better and better at communication, don’t go and start failing on your end… She must feel just as insecure about it as you do, and maybe still a little bit guilty because of the cheating. – She observed her friend starting to collect herself. – But the real problem here is that you're not talking to her about it. Or to anybody at all, really.

– You're right. I’ll talk to her tonight.

Amelia smirked: – Damn right I am!

– Don’t let it get to your head, it’s already big enough. – Carina scoffed and shook her head. – Let's get to work now, before they fire us both.

– Nah... – The Neurosurgeon moved with her at a very relaxed pace. – They could never afford to lose two badass department heads at once.

The door on the other end of the corridor slammed open and a very excited Miranda Bailey appeared waving a bunch of documents in their direction: – Doctor DeLuca!

By her side, Amelia whispered an _“I told you she was giddy”_ right before being shushed by the Italian, who greeted the other woman almost overzealously: – Chief Bailey, good morning.

Once she approached them, the short Doctor tsked mockingly: – _Chief Bailey, good morning_. – Miranda laughed a little, swinging left to right in a childish manner. – Stop trying to act like you didn't just spend the entire weekend with me and my husband sitting our pretty asses on every inch of that lovely Spa.

Amelia intervened, faking bitterness: – Yeah, and feel absolutely free to rub it in other people’s faces, no problem at all.

Carina ignored her completely: – In that case, you should stop with the whole Doctor DeLuca act and just call me Carina, like everybody does, _no?_ – She smirked at them both, thankful that her closest friend was there to take some of the tension away. – Anyway, I'm starting to think that dating a Captain on a streak of publicly social achievements has its perks.

– Keep up the mentality. – Bailey signalled them to keep walking. – I wanted to talk to you about something.

The two friends guessed in unison: – Swanson. – Upon getting no answer from the Chief, Carina knew it was the right topic. – _Dio,_ I hate the guy.

– He is a lot... I think I'm about to be hit with a lawsuit the same size of this hospital because of his stubborn incompetence and overflowing ego.

Once again Amelia chimed in to relieve the heaviness of the situation: – That is more than just a lot, Bailey.

DeLuca nodded in agreement, asking herself what he was still doing here: –That's... _io lo avrei già licenziato_ _._

Bailey halted Amelia’s excitement with just a look: – Stop that foreign nonsense and let me talk. – She handed the tall woman a file. – He got caught up in a case last weekend, and an apparently healthy baby boy died a week before the due date. – All of their features crumpled up into a disappointed and pained frown. – I'd like you to look into the case and let me know what you think, okay?

Carina’s perfect skin crawled: – When did this happen?

– Saturday night.

Doctor Shepherd was surprised: – And you've already been sued?

Bailey shook her head: – No, but based on nurse's Carson statement, the poor woman threatened to sue us right before closing in on herself and not speaking another single word. – She sighed, annoyed at the thought of how mistreated she must have felt. – And if this whole mess wasn’t enough, Maryanne Johnson is a Veteran diagnosed with PTSD. She was discharged Sunday afternoon. And not by Swanson.

A feeble insult left Carina’s lips: – _Stronzo_. – She sighted again. – I'll look into it.

– Thanks, let me know. – Bailey turned around, going back the way she came. – Oh, and keep me in mind when the mayor offers your genius Captain another tour of the Seattle's Spas.

Amelia’s betrayal was evident: – Hey! You had your turn, _Bailey_ , give everyone a chance to relax!

Carina laughed again before dragging her away, heading to the main entrance of the hospital.

If she had to pick something other than Maya to be grateful for in Seattle, it would most definitely be Amelia’s friendship.

* * *

Andy entered the gym of the Station with a bottle of water held tightly between her fingers: – I’m formally letting you know that I’m still mad you didn’t pick _me_ to go to the Spa with you.

The blonde ignored her completely, still concentrated on the exercise bike. Vic, on her part, stood up from the fitness mat smirking: – And you had to announce it like this because?

– Because _Miss Captain-Big-Achievements_ has been ignoring me since yesterday.

Hughes shoved her Lieutenant, ready to joke around: – She hasn’t talked to me yet, too.

Herrera’s face lit up mockingly: – Well, in that case, I guess we’ll have to speculate right?

Vic played along willingly: – Then, _I_ will let you know that she didn’t come home last night.

Andy’s smirk grew bigger, even though the woman protagonist of their exchange was still bluntly ignoring them: – OH! It went well then!

Vic shrugged, a little less secure now; something wasn't right: – One can only assume.

Herrera observed her best friend dismount from the bike and wipe the sweat away, not even looking in their direction: – Did you two come here to gossip or to work?

The seriousness in Maya’s voice alarmed both of them, but Vic was quicker to speak, voice full of disbelief: – It went bad?

Both the firefighters were aware of the intimacy problems the couple was having. Maya told them that she had no idea on how to fix the whole thing: when she wasn’t working, she was getting more and more distracted, and the only way she was able to burn off frustration was going on long runs. Painfully long runs, that often involved her friends’ company, much to their dislike.

– Wait a second… – Andy sat on the weight bench right in front of the blonde. – Vic said you didn’t go back to the apartment, where were you?

Maya leaned back on one of the machines too, emotionally and now also physically exhausted: – We went to dinner with Warren and Bailey, then I took her home and we kissed. It was starting to get heated up, but we were still in my car, so I slowed things down. – She shook her head sadly. – Then she thanked me for the lovely weekend and got out. I really thought she was going to invite me in this time.

A bad feeling crawled up Vic’s spine, prompting her to ask carefully: – Maya… where did you go after that?

The blue of Maya’s orbs was filled with grim curiosity and suspense: – I ran.

– You ran. – It was Andy’s turn to be surprised. When she heard about the umpteenth rejection, her thoughts went exactly where Vic’s did: what if Maya cheated again? To be honest, it wasn’t likely; as a matter of fact, there was possibly nothing less probable to happen. Maya was still beating herself up to this day for the Jack situation, and Andy felt a little guilty for letting her judgmental ideas get in the way of an honest interpretation of events. – You ran all night.

Maya’s pained features answered by themselves: – Almost… I came here around four and got some paperwork done.

– This is not healthy! – Vic was in full enraged mode now. – This is not at all healthy and it’s fucking dangerous!

Bishop got thrown off by the aggressiveness of her friend: – Vic wha-

– No, I’m sorry. – She started pacing in front of the two best friends. – I love Carina, you know how much I root for you two, and how deeply I like her as a person. But this… This? This is fucking psychological murder!

Maya’s eyebrows frowned in confusion: – I think you shoul-

– No, no, no, no. – Hughes stopped the pacing abruptly and turned in their direction with a pointed finger. – You’re distracted and tired from all the running you have to do because you are not getting any. – Andy looked at her friend gesturing right and left in complete disbelief. – We do a dangerous job; you can’t afford to be anything less than lucid at all times. And honestly? She is being selfish. You have been nothing but good - scratch that - perfect to her, since you got back together. She has literally no right to mistreat you like this.

The Captain was at a loss of words: Vic had just gone full protective mode on her and spat out all those words without taking a single breath in between.

– She's right, you know… – The Lieutenant tapped her foot gently to gain her full attention. – The delivery was definitely questionable, but what she's saying is true.

– I know, but what am I supposed to do? – Maya's eyes darted from one friend to the other. – I told her we would go at her pace, do everything only when she was comfortable doing it.

– And that was perfect for the start... – Andy kicked her foot again. – But there are two people in this relationship, and you have every right to want something more.

– Or to at least know what is going on! – Vic composed herself as soon as she realised how dramatic she was being. – If something is going through her head, especially something that affects _you_ this much, she has to open up to you about it.

Andy nodded in full agreement: – Just as you open up to her about your own things.

Maya sighted heavily: what if Carina was still not ready? What if she still resented her for cheating? What if she just couldn't see her that way anymore without thinking about Jack too?

– What if she's no longer attracted to me?

A deep voice came from the doorframe, startling all three women: – Oh, no, she likes you. – Ben walked in, towel in one hand and the other scratching his head in embarrassment. – I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but once I overhead, it was too late.

Maya had just turned the same shade of the Lieutenants' helmets: she was getting better at talking about her stuff, but only with the people she _actually_ wanted to talk to; this was a whole other level of awkward.

– She likes you just as much as you do. – He launched the towel on the bench beside the punching bag and lifted his shoulders, as if he was stating the obvious. – The sexual tension at the Spa was _real_.

His comment didn't really help with Maya's complexion, which only got redder and redder by the second, much to Vic’s amusement: – The woman’s into you, girl! Listen to the old man, he’s the wise one.

Before Ben could react, ad mainly complain, Andy grabbed Maya’s good arm and dragged her outside: – Carina said she would tell you how she felt, Maya. – She shook her head because this wasn’t supposed to be happening. – Back when you injured your shoulder, and she freaked out and you promised her you would be more forward in communicating what was going on at work… you remember, right? – Maya nodded: she knew perfectly well what Andy was talking about. – She’s not holding up her end of the deal, Maya. She’s not talking to you; and that’s not fair.

Maya sighed: – I just miss her... And I know it sounds stupid because on some level, I'm closer to her than ever, but I miss that part of us.

– It really seems like you two just cannot get it right, uh? – Andy's light laughter caught the Captain's attention: it was time to change the subject and lift the mood a bit. – First it was mainly sex and almost no deep talks, now it's the exact opposite.

Maya joined her best friend, hopeful: – Third time's a charm?

Andy moved away from the wall and started walking towards the locker room: – You've just been cleared for active duty, how are you feeling, _Captain_?

– Like it's been too long. – Maya tilted her head to the side. – I honestly can't wait for the alarm to go off.

Jack's voice reached them from besides one of the lockers: – Hoping for disasters to happen? That's not a particularly sane thing to say, Bishop.

– Shut up, Gibson. – Maya gave him a side glare, while her and Andy started changing. – As if you don’t get all excited whenever a call comes in.

His bright blue eyes flickered: – We all are a little bit insane, that's why we do this job.

Maya collected the things necessary to shower, the shift had started, and she needed some water to run all over her body in order to cool down. Jack finished buttoning up is shirt, his head tilted to the side in a more serious manner, now: – Did you guys hear about _Grey Sloan_?

Maya's blood froze inside her veins: – What about it?

He shook his head, looking towards Andy to understand if she knew something more: – I'm not sure, there's some kind of situation going on.

Andy walked up to him, her features livid of concern: – If this is some kind of joke, it's not funny.

The blue-eyed man held his hands up in defence: – I just know that they're not sending aid-cars there for the moment.

Maya started frantically looking around for her phone, while Andy headed back to the gym to ask Ben if he knew anything more. Carina would have texted if something was going on, right?

The Doctor's last message was a picture of herself and Amelia doing the superhero pose in their O.R. scrubs, with the caption: _"Badass department heads"._ Maya had already answered to that with a photo of Vic exhausted on the floor after her abs workout. Her skin started crawling from the tip of her neck: it was from an hour before, and it had no answer. As a matter of fact, it didn't even have the blue ticks of the successful delivery.

She tried to tell herself it could have been nothing, Carina could have been in the O.R. the whole time, it wasn't unusual. Or she just didn't answer: they weren't teenagers, after all. But that _not-yet-delivered_ status didn’t convincer at all.

Jack walked up to her, stopping by her side and putting his strong hand on her shoulder: – Maybe they are just having problems with the E.R. admission system and don’t want ambulances to go there for no reason.

The blonde closed her eyes, deciding she should keep a positive attitude: – You’re right… It must be. – She sighted and smiled weakly – I’ll go take a quick shower, send Andy in if there’s _any_ news.

In the meantime, on the floor below, panic was taking over, rushing from a firefighter to another through thin air like a filthy virus: Ben tried every number in his phone book, while Vic was obsessively calling Jackson. Each and every call went unanswered, like there was no signal at all. They all moved from the gym to the hall where Travis was patiently fulfilling his turn of desk duty, all the while entertaining a really bored Miller.

– Hey Montgomery! – Andy’s voice made him jump. – Did you hear anything from _Grey Sloan_?

– Only that dispatch is holding off on sending ambulances there. – He exchanged a curious glare with Dean. – Probably some kind of problem in the E.R.?

Ben opened his arms, frustrated: – Oh come on! We all know that hospital is cursed!

Vic’s head snapped up quickly: – We do?

– We know nothing for sure. – Andy positioned herself in the middle, with a confident stance, decided to be the leader she knew she could be. – There will be no speculating, okay? We wait for instructions, as we should.

The whole team agreed nodding and whispering it was the right thing to do. Everyone went change or wash up, while Dean held the fort feeling the most uneasy he felt in a long time. The air was heavy, and something was evidently wrong: no communication from a hospital that size was never a good sign. He questioned if they were the only ones acknowledging the problem because of their relationships with the people inside _Grey Sloan_ , or if someone from on high was handling the matter quietly, which only meant it was something big. And bad.

– Any updates? – Maya’s hopeful voice cracked Miller’s heart open, and the answer came to her violently from his silence. – It _must_ be nothing, right?

He turned around completely to take her in: she looked lost, her hair still damp, and her posture forced: – I really don’t know, Bishop, it could be anyt-

Before he could finish, the alarm froze all their bodies, making the announcement they all feared would come: unknown situation at _Grey Sloan memorial_ , structural fire detected, aid car and PRT requested for possible injuries.

The response time on this call was probably their fastest yet: before the robotic voice even turned off, the engines were roaring and all the firefighters ready to tackle whatever situation was about to be presented in front of them. The ride was poignant and the silence heavy on Maya's heart, the wildest scenarios running through her mind at the speed of light as her heartbeat reached a hardly healthy rate.

The state of endemic confusion she had been in since Jack's question almost an hour before, left her as soon as her heavy boot touched the concrete of the Hospital’s parking lot. A disorderly huddle of patients and Doctors was running away from the first floor of the structure, where angry flames swarmed the premises.

Maya shouted orders to everyone on her team, while trying to stop someone to ask what was happening. In the corner of her eye, she saw Warren sprint towards a more compact group of doctors and civilians. Leaving Gibson in charge of the truck and Andy of triage, she followed her friend eager to know what got him so worked up.

– Miranda! – He shouted still too far to be heard by anyone in that complete mess. – Miranda, are you okay?

Bailey turned around and launched herself inside her husband's arms: – I'm fine, I'm fine... You're here.

He ran his eyes through the people present, scanning their bloody clothes and registering the absence of some of his friends: – What's going on?

Jo took a step forward, observing stealthily Meredith and Maggie by her side: – We don't know exactly... Word is it was a bomber.

– A bomber? – Maya's voice crackled slightly while she made way for herself to stand in the middle of the small circle and see everyone's expressions.

Andrew moved forward too, the concern on his face fogged by the presence of subtle rage: – That's what we heard... but the phones and internet don't work, we couldn't communicate with everyone.

A tight grip strangled her stomach, as she looked everyone's eyes, practically begging: – Carina?

All the Doctors shook their heads, squeezing closer to each other and sending longing glares to the burning Hospital. Maya collected her thoughts and ideas, asking herself what Pruitt Herrera would do. From the side, Miranda admired her for not even flinching at the terrible news: the blonde had an impressive cool head. She was being a Captain and using the only thing that could save them from the situation: her training and brain: – Okay... – Every pair of eyes turned her way, hyperaware. – Who's hurt, please head towards the truck, they'll help you however possible. Who's not injured coordinate with Ben, you can help assets the patients at the PRT and roll them out of the zones cleared by the fire department. Warren, please go tel-

Her voice trailed off when she focused on the image of Jackson and Link running towards them holding children between their strong arms. All the Doctors rushed to check on the children and Link walked up to the two firefighters: – There's a woman inside, she's setting the wards on fire.

Jackson appeared by his side: – She has a bomb of some sort I-

– Who's still inside? – Miranda stoic voice accepted no discussion, and upon hearing her request Maya's sweat dried on her skin.

Jackson bright eyes darted across all the width of the parking area: – Most departments are empty, but she barricaded all entrances to the paediatrics ward... I couldn't get through.

Death appeared on Lincoln's face while Maya’s heart caught on fire: – Amelia went to Carina's office to get her for lunch!

Ben blocked him while he tried to move: – Amelia, Carina, Cormac Hayes is the head of peeds he must still be inside... Who else is in there?

Miranda intervened once again, while Maya took the whole situation in: – Patients, nurses, additional staff...

Link shook his head: – I saw Bokhee assisting Owen outside, she was on Hayes service today, so it's not everyone.

Captain Bishop took over again: – You Doctors follow Ben's instructions and coordinate with him. Our aid car and PRT should have enough supplies until more help arrives

Before she could continue, Link started moving again, dodging both Warren and Jackson, shouting their way: – I have to go in, Amelia's still inside!

– Hey! – Maya grabbed his blue scrubs stopping him in his tracks. – I know what I do and I'm damn good at it. My girlfriend is inside too and I'm not acting like a lunatic. – She let go of the fabric and pumped her index into his muscular chest. – I don't tell you how to cut people open: stand down and let me do my job. – She turned around and looked Ben dead in the eyes. – Get me Andy, Miller and the equipment necessary to go in. Call for help and explain the situation, ask for the police too. Use the radio, it should work. If not, get creative. – She looked at the building, the people still pouring out of it and her team moving expertly. – Jack's in charge out here; there will be tough calls inside, I need to be the one making them.

Ben nodded in understanding, squeezing her harm lightly before running towards the group of firefighters looking at them, closely followed by a bunch of disoriented Doctors.

She turned around once again, her blue orbs penetrating Link's worried eyes, just before putting her helmet on: – I'll bring them out. I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger... Maybe:)  
> Stay alive, friends!


	10. Like unfair drops of sweet memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cormac opened the door and signalled his friends to go first: – I have surgery later this afternoon, and you two seem to have big plans.  
> Amelia walked ahead and looked around the hall: – Well, at least something happened.  
> Carina frowned, her coat still held tightly between her hands: – What do you mean?  
> – There were a bunch of very bored Doctors and Nurses when I came in… – She shrugged nonchalantly. – I’m glad something happened, they’re not bored anymore.  
> Hayes closed the door behind him: – So many wrong points in that short statement.   
> – Something very big must have happened… – Carina pointed the admission desk to Cormac. – Nurse Carson never leaves her post when she’s on desk duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an heavy chapter...  
> I just thought I should give a heads-up.

**_· EARLIER, THAT DAY_ _·_ **

Amelia impatiently trotted her way through the spacious hallways: it was almost noon and she felt like she hadn’t eaten in days. She could already sense her mouth water at the perspective of trying the new Italian place that opened downtown in the financial district. Link called her insane for wanting to go there with an actual Italian woman in the flash, but she couldn’t wait to see Carina’s outraged reactions to how much the restaurant mistreated the traditional dishes.

Plus, she needed to do some more baby-shopping: her sweet, beautiful son had already outgrown the majority of his clothes, and Carina was the unaware victim of one of her master plans. Amelia wanted the Italian to lose her cynic views on bringing another human into the World, because she knew both her and Maya would make astonishing parents.

If they pulled their heads out of their respective butts, that is.

Entering the _paediatrics, gynaecology and obstetrics_ _ward_ , Amelia acknowledged that it was a slow day there too: in the rest of the structure, everyone was either operating on previously scheduled patients or killing time doing absolutely nothing. Even the Pit was almost empty, and apparently - as the evidence was being displayed before her very eyes - no one was in a rush to be born too. 

She spotted Bokhee chatting with other Nurses and Doctors, everyone almost as bored as Amelia herself would have been at the perspective of staying in such a slow Hospital the entire afternoon. The old OR Nurse smiled at her and Amelia waved back enthusiastically. The Neurosurgeon asked herself if the woman was aware of how precious she was: everyone at _Grey Sloan_ knew, loved and respected Bokhee; some inexperienced, aspirant Nurses even came to the Hospital specifically in order to learn from her. 

Still smiling subtly, the Neurosurgeon found herself in front of her friend’s office door, smirking at the thought that - once again - she wasn’t going to knock, even if the door was indeed, closed.

– … I think there’s no foul play he-

Cormac Hayes moved his chair, startled, in order to be able to see who just interrupted him mid-sentence, while a pair of brown eyes annoyedly darted her way: – You really need to lose this _preposterous_ habit of yours, Amelia. 

– _Preposterous,_ really? – Amelia laughed, holding her purse closer to her hip. – Clearly, you’re spending too much time with the European breed of us English speakers. 

Cormac’s bright blue eyes smiled, bouncing from a woman to the other, amused: – I gather this is not the first time, then?

– She does it when I’m with patients too. – Carina scoffed, dropping the case file on her desk. – It annoys me a lot, she knows it, and because of that, she does it more.

Doctor Hayes laughed: – Sounds about right.

– Well… – Amelia’s eyes smirked, looking at her annoyed friend. – Are you ready for lunch?

– Yes, I was just finishing this up. – She shook her head searching the outside of the file on her desk, as if it could be of any kind of help. – Swanson did everything right.

– Really? – Amelia was surprised.

– Yes. – Hayes stood up stretching his legs. – Not that she needed validation, but I’m of the exact same mind.

– Subtle feminist, I like it. – Doctor Shepherd turned her attention back to the OBGYN. – What happened?

– I'm not entirely sure, but from the tests is evident the baby was already dead when she got here. – Amelia listened carefully, tilting her head slightly. – I don’t know if there has been a miscommunication with her, I actually have no idea what they told her, but she was halfway through natural birth and barely conscious.

– Well, but if they misdiagnosed her, the Hospital is still liable, isn’t it?

After seeing Carina shake her head doubtful, Cormac intervened: – There’s no paper trail of her admission, just… – He ran his hand on his almost bald head, thoughtful. – She came in unconscious, they found her on the street. The only thing she knows is that when she arrived she was expecting a baby, when she got out, she wasn't. And the boy was dead.

– Yeah fine, but what happened? – Amelia was quickly forgetting her hunger, all her attention slowly sucked in by the mystery of the case. – Why Swanson didn’t personally discharge her?

– We don’t know what happened to the _bambino_. – Carina took her things from the standing coat hanger in the corner. – The autopsy report is not in, yet. And Maryanne didn’t even come to claim her son’s body. As for the discharging mess, it’s not Swanson’s fault for that either. 

– Oh, please! – The neurosurgeon tsked, not really sure she could believe what they were saying. – How’d he become such a perfect doctor in the span of two days!

Cormac passed the purse to Carina, watching her as she moved comfortably inside the office, still indulging Amelia and all her questions: – He was stuck in the delivery room, asked that everyone waited for him before discharging Maryanne. – She put her scarf on. – The interns messed up, they told her they could do nothing more for her and that if she wanted, she could go home.

Amelia turned around, thinking: – So, she did.

The other woman nodded again: – They booked her an appointment with me, though, because I’m the Department Head: she should come in tomorrow. I really hope that I’ll have more answers for her, by then.

Amelia fell inside the mazes of her mind, tuning out her two co-workers still chatting with each other.

What a mess: this story smelled like trouble from miles away. She didn’t really know all the implications, nor how far the Hospital’s accountability went, but honestly she didn’t care. The hapless woman was probably terrified and profoundly hurt; in her opinion the Hospital _had to_ be held responsible for the poor care provided. Actually, for the complete absence of such.

Maryanne was a veteran suffering from PSTD. The Neurosurgeon didn’t have personal experience with military related mental illnesses - for obvious reasons, since he wasn’t military - but she certainly saw first-hand how it still effected Owen and heard one too many stories from Teddy. Not to mention all the patients she helped or treated.

After the loss of a child, she knew all too well the kind of visceral pain the woman was in, and she was radically aware of the consequences that kind of disorder could involve. And in her opinion, it was right there that the many failures of her Country originated: the endemic and systematic incapability of caring for the ones who were protecting it. It was just one of several, but at the same time, one of the most absurd and infuriating. 

– _Andiamo_ _?_

Amelia recovered from her mental rant, and decided it was a problem - and a fight - reserved for another day. She watched her friend up and down, and then looked at Cormac, already smirking: – Do you really want me to walk into a restaurant with you looking like a _Pink Barbie Doctor_? 

The Paediatric Surgeon laughed: – Why does everybody hates the pink scrubs? They’re not that bad. – He moved closer to Amelia and elbowed her mockingly. – Could have be worse, honestly: they could have been canary yellow.

Carina burned them with a glare, both disappointed and amused: – I’m going to ignore you two completely. I need to go home and change before we get to the restaurant. Plus, I have to get a box to drop at the station for Andy and Vic.

Amelia opened her arms, incredulous: – Are we going to have lunch or dinner, Carina!?

Doctor Hayes watched the green-eyed woman, entertained: – _Dio, quanto sei drammatica_ _._

Carina moved her hair away from her face, searching inside her bag, glad she wasn’t the only one thinking Amelia’s reactions were a little too over the top, sometimes: – _Fortuna che non sono la sola a pensarlo_ _._ – Ignoring her friend and her harangue about the “ _sexy_ _native_ _language”_ , she took out her phone and checked for texts from Maya. Nothing, no response. Her shoulders fell slightly: after what happened last night, it shouldn’t be a surprise. She treated her girlfriend poorly and there was no excuse for that. She shook her head sadly at her own stupidity and promised herself that she would make up for it. But right now, Maya was working, and there was no point in worrying about it. She might as well enjoy her pseudo-Italian lunch with her friend. Or maybe friends? – Do you want to join us, Cormac? 

The man opened the door and signalled them to go first: – No, thank you for the invitation. I have surgery later this afternoon, and you two seem to have big plans.

Amelia walked ahead and looked around the hall: – Well, at least something happened.

Carina frowned, her coat still held tightly between her hands: – What do you mean?

– There were a bunch of _very_ bored Doctors and Nurses when I came in… – She shrugged nonchalantly. – I’m glad something happened, they’re not bored anymore.

Hayes closed the door behind him: – _So_ many wrong points in that short statement. 

– Something very big must have happened… – Carina pointed the admission desk to Cormac. – Nurse Carson never leaves her post when she’s on desk duty.

Cormac looked around absentmindedly: – Maybe she went to lunch?

– Yeah… her and the rest of the ward. – A little, tiny scowl appeared to darken Amelia’s features. – There’s no one here.

Cormac extracted his pager from the deep coat pocket: nothing; no alerts, no 911s, no special codes. Nothing at all. He looked around once again, starting to move forward, and past the two women that were checking their devices too. He popped his head inside the OBGYNs lounge, just to find it empty.

– I have no messages from Link… – Amelia held her phone up, showing it to a very curious Carina still standing by her side. – So, either this is very big, and everyone is too busy to tell us wha-

Cormac interrupted her mid-sentence from the end of the corridor, his forehead filled with wrinkles: – The fire doors are blocked.

The two women looked at each other, Carina leaving her purse and coat on the desk to cruise towards the patients’ rooms; Amelia moved closer to the Irish Doctor, trying other doors on the way. When they heard the Italian return they both turned around to find her with her phone in her hand: – Nobody’s here.

– Nobody? – Doctor Shepherd darted her eyes from one colleague to the other, starting to get slightly worried, the echoing of their voices in the empty corridor unsettling her usually calm stance. – No patients?

Carina shook her head while putting her phone up to her ear: at this point it was evident something big had happened _inside_ the Hospital, and for some wicked reason, everyone had forgotten to alert the three of them. 

Amelia turned to Cormac once again, finding him deep in thought: – How much time did we even spend in the office? When I came in, everything was _fine._ Yes, it was a fucking slow day, but to go from that, to this. – Realizing how desperate her frustrated complaint sounded, she tried to restore some balance with a joke. – Did the President die? Is everyone having a global-sized party without us? 

Cormac’s giggle marginally warmed her heart, calming her like the first time she saw a showboat navigate the sky with Derek and their dad. It unfortunately only lasted a second, because Carina’s voice reached her ears with that hint of more marked accent she always had whenever she was seriously preoccupied: – There is no signal.

A big sigh came from the man by her side: – I was really hungry.

Amelia had once again forgotten about her lunch: the only thing she could seem to focus on were unlikely catastrophic scenarios, and the rising temperature of the halls. Taking her coat off and putting her purse next to Carina’s, she observed the other woman move behind the desk to try the landline and the computers. Nothing, they were both dead too. Carina was genuinely worried now, mainly because she had no idea what could be going on, nor where Andrea was in all that mess. Her brown eyes moved to the blue of Cormac’s, still unbothered by everything that was happening: – I guess we have the ward to ourselves then. – He said almost innocently. – What will it be, paperwork or rescheduling?

Amelia shook her head: – God, it’s so obvious you’re new. – She watched his forehead wrinkle again, and decided to continue in order to make herself clearer. – In this Hospital, nothing is ever as it se-

– Oh, somebody is here. – Three heads turned around simultaneously, startled by the gentle, yet surprised, voice that had spoken. A small, black woman was walking in their direction, with a fatigued and uncertain frown printed on her features. – I couldn’t find anybody.

All three Doctors moved towards her, Amelia leading: – Hello. – She smiled politely. – Where did you come from?

– The bathroom. – The other woman kept a stern look, head tilting in uncertainty of what more to say.

– Well it seems like we are in a sort of lock down. – Amelia watched the others: they hadn’t decided what they were going to do yet, but the presence of a patient changed the game completely: they had to get out. – We were going to look for another exit, you can come with us, if you want?

– Thank you. – She scanned the three Doctors, carefully.

Cormac frowned: – I’ll go back to my office and get a head start on my paperwork. – He smiled to the new woman and then turned to his colleagues. – You ladies come and find me if you manage to uncover the exit of this labyrinth.

Carina shrugged and started walking in the opposite direction, followed closely by the other two women. They left all their things on the desk: after all, an empty Hospital implied the absence of thieves.

Carina could sense Amelia emanating nervousness with each step they took. To be honest, she understood both her friends’ perspectives on the situation: Cormac craved peace, and since nothing else rather than the internal increasing heat was out of place, in his mind, he didn’t really have anything to worry about.

Amelia, on the other hand, had already been closely touched by all the “misadventures” and disasters occurred at _Grey Sloan_ , therefore it was obvious that her brain automatically ran there. 

On her part, the Italian couldn’t really shake the feeling that something was indeed wrong, as if chaos was about to be unleashed. And she had no idea how close she was to the origin of it all.

– So, Ms…? – Amelia’s bright features turned towards the black woman, hopeful that being able to start a conversation could lift her own mood.

She hesitated, something that, as opposed to the youngest Shepherd, didn’t go unnoticed to Carina’s ear: – Hamilton. Alex Hamilton, Ma’am.

Amelia nodded: – No need for formalities, in this situation. I’m Amelia, and she’s Carina; nice to meet you. – The OBGYN slowed down and aligned herself to the others, listening carefully and looking around for exits. There was a hint of dark smoke at the height of the ceiling: it couldn’t be good. – What were you doing here today? Do you need medical attention?

_Santa Amelia,_ she was too caring: Carina hadn’t even thought about that. Alex shook her head and deepened her hands inside her snowboard jacket’s pockets: – My wife was having a baby, with Doctor Swanson. Do you know where he is? 

Carina’s left eyebrow darted towards the high ceiling, a little cautious of the specific, odd request: – So that you can find your wife?

Ms. Hamilton shrugged: – Yes, sure.

Amelia anticipated Carina with a fake cheerful response. Doctor DeLuca had to admit it was good acting, but she couldn’t fool her: her friend was still worried: – Boy or girl?

The soon-to-be mother stopped abruptly: – Is he here?

Amelia walked another couple of meters with Carina, but after noticing that Alex wasn’t going to follow, she turned around and offered a hand in an attempt to reassure her: – We don’t know for sure, because no communication device seems to be working, but I personally think it’s just us in here. – Carina watched the exchange closely, witnessing all Ms. Hamilton’s emotions reverse on her face, and not go in the “generally relieved” direction the OBGYN was expecting. – He’s probably outside, so your wife and baby are doing just fin-

– Maryanne… – The name left Carina’s lips in a small, incredulous whisper. – You’re Maryanne Johnson.

Amelia’s eyes opened, wide and dumbstruck, at the same time of her mouth. Carina pulled her away, closer to herself and standing directly in front of the little woman that was now shaking with rage: – I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just looking for Doctor Swanson.

Carina stood up straighter, feet shoulder width apart, a determined look in her eyes. Every little incongruence she unconsciously registered, was now falling into place: the talking only when consulted, the extreme respect in the responses, the scarily composed posture; all signs that the woman was military. And there was more: hesitation when Amelia asked for her name, the use of the past tense in reference to her son's birth, the obsession with finding Swanson instead of her alleged wife. 

Carina's heart broke into molecular pieces: the woman before her was the embodiment of shallow, painful emptiness that crushed one's soul into oblivion. She looked exhausted and defeated by the emotional and physical heaviness of the previous couple of days. But what was scarier than everything, was the sparkle of determination that lit her vacuous eyes: – I'm sorry... – Carina's voice cracked, swallowed in uncertainty. – I'm so sorry Maryan-

– SHUT UP! – Maryanne shook at the powerfulness of her own outburst, and by Carina’s side, Amelia jumped a couple of steps behind, terrorised. – I don't believe any of you lying murderers! 

* * *

**_· IN THE MEANTIME_ _·_**

Maya would’ve been lying if she said she was feeling completely at her best: as they progressed through the deserted, but full of smoke corridors, she realized she was mildly sore, and a lingering headache had started forming in her temples, probably prompted by all that obsessive training.

Andy signalled her and Miller to keep going towards the next doors, while she stopped to check behind one of the others. Everything was almost surreal: they were walking silently, putting out principles of fire all over the place.

She observed both her companions move expertly with fire extinguisher held tightly between their skilled hands: she had insisted on having Miller by her side because of his bomb training, and Andy for her out-of-the-box-thinking. The situation wasn’t of the easiest, and she needed the best formation possible: which implied leaving Jack outside to manage the others and coordinate with the reinforcements.

Inside of the Hospital walls, she just hoped they were enough and police force wasn’t necessary. She had to keep her head in the game, even if her heart wasn’t in it. Even if her heart was a few corridors away, where she hoped Carina was simply waiting for someone to find her.

– I don’t like this. – Miller’s voice came from behind her, uneasy. – There’s something that’s not adding up.

– Yeah... – Andy moved the empty stretcher out of her way. – The fires are casual and have absolutely no purpose.

– No assumptions now. – Maya whispered, trying to calm herself by calming the others. – We keep going until we find someone.

They both nodded silently and kept following their Captain towards the _P.G.O. ward_ : they had encountered some patients and medical personnel and directed them to the exit. All their testimonies described a tiny, stern looking, black woman, insistently asking for Doctor Swanson. Maya was well aware that he was one of Carina’s new colleagues, an incompetent, based on what her girlfriend told her.

Still walking towards Carina’s office, Maya sighted loudly: she just hoped everything was okay.

* * *

– We need to calm her down. – Amelia whispered to the taller woman by her side. She watched Maryanne run a shaking hand through her uncombed hair and decided to address her directly. – We can help you find him, Maryanne. We can speed up the tests, call legal to talk everything over and give you all the answers you wa-

– No. I want him.

Carina stepped closer: – He’s not in here. – She shook her head, determined to help the woman this time. – We have to get outside. It’s not safe.

– No. – Miss Johnson took a step back. – This is where he killed my son.

Amelia took a step forward, returning again by Carina’s side: – I know what you’re going through. My first born, Christopher, he died too. – She watched the other woman listen attentively. – What’s your baby’s name?

– Alexander.

Amelia nodded, in her peripherical vision she could still see Carina observing her silently: – You will never have Alexander back, and trust me, I know how devastating it feels. – She sniffed loudly, Carina’s hand reaching her with a soft, comforting touch. – It will never go away, but I promise you, Maryanne, I promise, it does get better.

– Why did he die?

Amelia’s puffy eyes closed hesitantly: – Wha-

Maryanne was starting to completely loose her cool: – WHY’D HE DIE?

– He was anencephalic. – Amelia stood taller, at attention, answering quickly. – He was born with no brain.

– So, it was nobody’s fault... Guess you don’t really know how I feel after all, do you? – She opened her arms angrily, looking directly in Carina’s direction. – YOUR COLLEAGUE KILLED MY SON!

The resonating of her irate scream prompted Carina to cool headedly jump into action: – You’re right, you’re right. – She carefully moved closer, watching the woman frantically putting her hands back into her pockets. – We’ll find him, and he will expl-

– NO! – Maryanne shook her head with strong, short, movements. – It’s too late now. – She opened her jacket, showing the bomb attached to her chest and a strange device in her hand. Amelia’s breath got caught in her throat, while her hands sprinted up to the air. – Another step closer and I'm going to take this whole place down.

Carina walked a couple meters back, taking Amelia with her: this was definitely not good. 

* * *

– Did you hear that? – Maya peeked her head in the corridor, seeking answers through the little window on the door. – I heard voices.

The scene displayed in front of her blue eyes made her skin slowly crawl through the entire length of her back, her sweat dried instantly on her body and all those feelings of exhaustion left her, like flocks of barn swallows in September. 

Carina was standing in the middle of the main hall, frozen still beside a desperate Amelia: they were both partially hidden behind the modern-design stairs, the green-eyed woman was crying, full of anguish. From her point of view, she couldn’t see who was in front of them, but for now this was enough: she just needed to get Carina out.

– Do you understand what they’re saying? – Andy appeared by her side, trying to see for herself what was going on.

Maya shook her head starting to try the door loudly, frenzied: – We need to open this.

Miller pushed both his superiors aside and most importantly, away from the door: – Are we sure we want to just barge in? I mean, doesn’t the woman have a fucking bomb?

– Yeah, thanks a lot, Miller. – Maya pushed him angrily. – What am I supposed to do, uh? Leave her inside and get the hell out?

He shook his head, incredulous she could even think he’d do something so vile: – No, _of course_ not. – He looked inside Andy’s wide, frightened eyes, hoping to find someone more reasonable to discuss things over with. – I’m just saying… if she has a bomb, maybe we should avoid scaring her.

– He has a point, Maya. – Andy peeped over the door again, witnessing both Doctors taking small steps back. – We will open the door, but quietly.

They immediately got to work, Miller’s mind running through all the possible scenarios for when he found himself in front of the bomb. He wasn’t part of a bomb squad, he simply had some bomb training, something that dated back a few years now: he wasn’t sure that he could be of much help. The poor man almost gulped when the door finally clicked, exchanging an apprehensive glare with Andy: now it was inevitable.

Maya breathed in deeply, looked at her hands full of ash and dirt, and then let out all the air in a controlled manner: – You two can go, if you want.

– What!? – Andy pulled her by the jacket, whisper-screaming full of disbelief. – What do you mean?

– You don’t have to do this... – She nodded looking at them both, her whispering tone not solely prompted by carefulness: she was terrified. – There’s a bomb inside and we’re firefighters, not police officers.

– Yes, but you don't really think we’re going to let you get all the credit for this save, do you? – Dean pushed her away smirking and entered the hall: he was scared, undoubtedly so, but he would never leave his colleague - his friend - alone in this kind of situation.

Lieutenant Herrera and Captain Bishop looked at each other, nodded and followed him silently inside the spacious room. Immediately, Maya pointed to the smoke that was starting to fill the superior floor and consequentially the high ceiling over their heads. All three of them started to look for ways to reach the floor and try to understand where the hell it was coming from, when someone started mumbling nonsense and froze them in their place. They moved again slightly, in order to hide behind the stairs, impossible to be seen by the source of the voice. Maya acknowledged that they were in an advantaged position: the bomber couldn’t see them, but she had eyes on Carina and could hear what was going on. Not that the last part was necessarily a positive thing. She exchanged a look of silent understanding with Dean: he had to find a way to get upstairs to locate the fire and maybe get a better visual of the bomb. She quietly explained to him where he could find another flight of stairs, her eyes never leaving the two women on the other side of the hall.

Carina pushed Amelia back again, trying to understand what Maryanne was saying: she needed to help the poor woman, she needed to save her. But first of all, she needed to get Amelia far away from that mess: her son couldn’t grow up without a _mamma_ : – Maryanne, listen to me. – She took a small breath and a seemingly infinite pause, during which, unbeknownst to her, Maya’s body stiffed, and Andy put a hand on her shoulder to hearten her. – Amelia has a son, he’s just a baby…

Maryanne opened her arms, her voice unforgiving like a thunder: – And why the hell should _I_ care?

– She is a Neurosurgeon, she has nothing to do with Swanson, with me, or my department. – Maya felt her heart slow down, she knew perfectly well where her girlfriend was going: Carina wanted to get Amelia out of there, and she was succeeding by condemning herself in a personal suicide-mission. – I’m the head of the OBGYN department, so I’m ultimately responsible for everything that happens here. I’m your second best chance at justice.

Amelia grabbed Carina’s sleeve, forcing her to turn towards her: – What the hell do you think you’re doing? – She whispered angrily: she was still shaking in fear, but she would never let her friend do something so stupid. – I’m not leaving.

Carina turned around, ignoring her: – She needs to go home to her son, you know that, because you know how it feels. – The Italian pushed Amelia back again, before she could protest. – You know how it feels to lose someone for absolutely no reason.

Maryanne lowered her hands and turned her head away, thinking: – Okay, she can go… But you stay!

Carina nodded, turning to her friend with a reassuring smile: – Go, I'll be okay.

Amelia moved back slowly, mouthing _"I'll get help",_ her eyes swollen rivers during the raining season.

Maya turned to Andy who nodded, already knowing what to do: she was going to cut the youngest Shepherd off in the corridor and take her out and away from all that insane mess. She mouthed a _“be careful”_ to her best friend and started moving away. Amelia was just midway down the corridor, when Maya turned around to try and see the woman of the hour. She tripped on her own feet, the white noise catching Carina’s attention: her brown eyes, just for a fleeting second, shined with pleased surprise, before being taken over by complete and utter terror: – Maya…

Maryanne looked around, suspicious, trying to understand what was happening: – STOP! – The woman’s voice froze Amelia in place, scared to even swallow. Carina, on her part, assumed a more confident stance and kept her eyes fixated on Ms. Johnson who was looking at her intensely. – What is going on.

– N-nothing. – Carina darted a look to a Maya that now was stock-still, scared that even her thoughts could betray her position.

– Don’t lie to me… – Maryanne pointed her feline-cut-eyes to the gear strapped to her chest and then Amelia, still waiting halfway down the corridor. – …or she goes nowhere.

– O-okay… – Carina cleared her voice, terrified because there was no way she could convince Maryanne to let both Amelia and Maya go. But honesty was the only way, right? – There’s a firefighter behind the stairs.

Ms. Johnson's face crumpled up in confusion, instantly followed by a new kind of rage and betrayal: – WHA-

– I did nothing, Maryanne. She’s alone and she probably came because of all the smoke over our heads, you see it, _sì_? – Carina pointed to the ceiling, the smoke now moving aggressively in dark circles, covering the wide skylights. Andy looked at Maya, who shook her head: they all needed to stay put and let Carina try to calm down the woman in front of her, that now was even more confused. – I know it’s no good because of how it’s moving: the smoke is going to trap us here.

Maryanne watched her carefully, then the scared Amelia, the stairs, and finally the smoke: – You’re lying.

– I’m not, I-… _ti giuro_ , I’m telling you the truth. – She moved a step closer, her hands on her heart. – You’re about to lose control of the situation, the nature is about to take over, and there is nothing me, you and _one_ firefighter can do to stop that fire. – She stopped walking and darted a longing glare to Maya, breaking the blonde’s heart into pieces because that look tasted like goodbye, but focusing back on Maryanne almost immediately. – If the fire wins, all of this, all you did today, will be in vain. You and I will be dead, and no-one will advocate and ask for justice for Alexander. – She moved closer, a tear rolling down her cheek, tumbleweed in a desert of pain, anguish and guilt. – But if we get out now, I swear you’ll have the money to cover the funeral expenses, give Alexander a proper, worthy burial, and a complete, thorough and fair investigation on Swanson’s doing and his responsibilities… It won’t be like having Alexander between your arms, but it will honour him like he deserves. I will make sure of that.

Maryanne was crying now, crying for her dead son, her foolish moves, her unforgiving pain: she nodded leaving the remote on the floor.

Carina relaxed, her posture going back to normal almost immediately. She turned around to steal a smile from Amelia who was gesturing towards Maya to move. It was a chain of silent assent, a chain of renewed hope.

The Captain jumped up, starting to run around the stairs, when it happened.

A stupendous burst of fierce light, almost colourless and shapeless, just a ghastly, pulsating radiance, took over all her surroundings, pushing her further away with a force that could not be seen, nor stopped, even though she was still running towards the only thing able to ever save her life.

Then, out of the great silence, came a mighty thunder, like the first cry of a new-born world. Or the last of one that was dying. A sound equally devastating as the light of the unnatural sun that was still hunting her: it blasted; it pounced; it bored its way into her.

It was a vision, seen with more than just the eyes, a composition that crept its way into her chest through more than her ears, a force that moved her more deeply than just in a physical way.

And then, without a sound, that immense, unnatural sun stopped shining, but the convulsive quivering continued: the whooshing sound kept persecuting her eardrums and made it impossible for her to move.

She tried to stand, tried to look around, but she was immobilized by her how body, slave of limbs that didn’t answer her commands.

An eternity of seconds and fleeting moments had passed, when she finally managed to straighten up, her mind clear of everything and anything, her body entirely absent. She found Andy almost too easily: the woman was as confused and not in control as she was, and scarily close to where she was. They were like moles, blind against the light, their training completely useless when they couldn’t hear anything other than the high-pitched whistle trapped in their eardrums and see nothing further than six feet ahead in the cloud of dust and debris still rushing in circles around them.

A sadness, sudden and subtle, filled her limbless body like dark, heavy blood, and kept her from acting in the way she wanted. Andy was quicker on her feet, reaching her best friend, still shaking and tripping over the debris and glasses on the floor: Maya could see that her mouth was moving, but wasn’t able to hear a word she was pronouncing. She tried to scream to her that she couldn’t hear her, that she needed to speak louder, but Andy stopped her by pushing her hair away from her face: there was a scarily big cut on Maya’s forehead. The Captain touched the source of the blood that she could now feel running down her face, shaking her head and telling Andy to just leave it alone.

She started mumbling Carina’s name, trying to find her in the midst of that disaster, but she was disoriented. The stairs, or what was left of them, were now for some devilish reason behind her, and a struggling Amelia was walking in circles on her left. There was no sign of Carina, or the woman she was talking to just mere minutes ago.

Andy helped her get back on her feet, struggling herself and holding her left arm in pain. They both looked around trying to understand where the agonizing scream they barely heard just came from. There was no sign of Carina, but Amelia was running towards a pile of debris.

And sweet God, when Maya’s blue, glassy eyes finally did locate her girlfriend, on the other side of a pile of rubble and broken glasses, a veil of anguish fell across her features; something so clear and so intense that Andy quickly reached for her hands to help her stand steadily.

– I have to get to her. – Maya’s voice cracked on the last part of the urgent murmur, as she tried to protect herself against the shakiness threatening to take over her limbs.

They started moving through the rubble, both of them struggling, still numbed by the blast.

And to be fair, she did well on the walk. She really did: the terror blocking her extremities and the debris on the ground slowing her down only partially.

Yet, something about finally winding up in the vicinity of Carina, had her shaken to her very core, to the point where she had to slide her hands along her waist so that Andy wouldn’t notice how violently they were trembling.

Amelia was screaming and crying over Carina’s face, covered in dust and ashes, her body partially blocked by a giant piece of metal and concrete.

She was unresponsive.

Maya’s emotions were roiling in the maelstrom of her mind, and her heart cried loudly, beseeching that what she was starting to know as the love of her life, hadn’t just slipped away from her forever, in front of her helpless eyes.

– _Come la luna_ Carina, I’ll love you _come la luna_ _…_ – Maya witnessed the hopeless Amelia completely dismantle between Andy’s embrace, mumbling a prayer and keeping repeating that it wasn’t possible. She fearfully reached for Carina’s sweet face, dropping on her knees. – Just please don’t die...

And those bitter tears, were nothing more than unfair drops of sweet memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, if possible, let me know what you thought of this chapter: it was kind of an ambitious idea for me.  
> Thank you for reading and keeping up with the consistently delayed updates... and sorry for the cliffhanger, maybe? (Again?)  
> As always, stay alive friends!


	11. She was helpless, useless, worthless.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya had no idea how much time had passed, when she felt an army of boots shake the floor beneath her, invading the disaster hall.  
> All that she knew, was that during that infinite time, Amelia’s sobs and cries of desperation were only muffled sounds that reached her ears by chance, even though the woman was mere feet away from her.  
> Maya stayed on her knees, her injured hands roaming through the debris in a shy attempt to move them away from the inanimate body below her.  
> But her eyes were watery, her vision blurry, and her strength seemed to have left her all at once.  
> She was helpless, useless, worthless.

The most absurd thing, to her, had always been the tacit understanding that one had to necessarily wear black. 

Maya was never really able to fully comprehend that particular custom. Funerals were incredibly hard on their own, without the need of an amalgamated crowd transforming everyone who tried to talk to her into a black blur. 

To be completely honest, she had no idea who spoke to her, and probably wouldn’t have any even if they were wearing rainbow clothes.

Her mind was elsewhere.

It had been since the second that bomb blasted through the hall of the hospital, through the walls and the stairs, through every fibre of her being. She could still see the exact moment when everything clicked into place, as if the hand of Fate itself had reached down to touch them. Destroy them.

She flinched, as a painful feeling invaded her throat: she wanted out; out of that situation, out of that place, away from that service and everyone there.

She needed to stop thinking and start drinking again.

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

_Maya had no idea how much time had passed when she felt an army of boots shake the floor beneath her, invading the disaster hall. All that she knew was that during that infinite time, Amelia’s sobs and cries of desperation were only muffled sounds that reached her ears by chance, even though the woman was mere feet away from her. Maya stayed on her knees, her injured hands roaming through the debris in a shy attempt to move them away from the inanimate body below her. But her eyes were watery, her vision blurry, and her strength seemed to have left her all at once._

_She was helpless, useless, worthless._

_The only thing she could focus on were the drops of tears that, falling from her cerulean orbs, dissolved the thick layer of cement dust on Carina’s pale features._

_When Jack and Travis’ strong arms dragged her up and away, whispering:_ “Come on Maya, let's get you away from there.”, _she screamed with all the air in her lungs, fighting and kicking, trying to free herself, without any success._

_She was helpless._

_All around her, what looked like a squadron of firefighters started moving eagerly, fronted by Chief Sullivan that yelled orders left and right, all the while making sure Andy was okay._

_Vic rushed by Maya's side, snapping her fingers around her face to make sure the Captain could hear her, but the woman didn’t move. She didn’t even flinch when a gloved pair of hands touched her lacerated forehead._

_She was useless._

_Half a dozen doctors came in from the secured entrance, mixing the smoke and the grey of the firefighters’ uniforms with blue accents that kept Maya’s attention on the scene and away from dangerous thoughts. Dean reappeared from another corridor, followed closely by a bald, incredulous man, and Maya witnessed Amelia launch herself against him, throwing punches and screaming that it was his fault Carina was gone._

_That enraged reaction woke the Captain from her trance, and she tried to stand up and get away from the corner she had been relegated in, get back in the mix, back in the middle of the hall, where her heart still laid unresponsive, surrounded by people that stood a little bit too far away for comfort._

_And somehow she did it, she was up and fighting to get to Carina again, even though her vision went completely blank, and she missed a step. That’s when Vic pushed her down in her corner, reprimanding her for being so irresponsible._

_Maya’s vision came back with a searing, scalding shower of pain in the front of her head, and she was pretty sure she cussed at Vic, shoved her away just like her father used to do. But it didn’t matter, not now: she wanted to get to Carina, she needed to. Her head moved frantically again when her friend held her firmly into place, her gaze running to the centre of the hall, and the last thing Maya saw, was Ben kneeled over the debris, shaking his head slowly in the direction of the Chief._

_The scream that left her lungs and ripped the hall apart was inhumane, and crushed everyone present._

_She was worthless._

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

Sitting alone at the bar where it all had started, Maya got the feeling that in spite of everything, she was invisible. Her face was still a little livid, the cut on her forehead evident, her hands full of scabs, and yet, people there passed by, in a rush, too quickly to remember her, or too engulfed in their own pain to even notice her. The service at the bar was ready and polite, but no one lingered: her light was gone and so was the best part of that joint.

– Here you are. – Maya spun around on her stool when Andy's voice shattered the loop of her bitter thoughts. She watched shallowly while the other woman took off the black coat from over her shoulders, the only thing roaming Maya’s mind were the images from the funeral, and the thought: “B _lack, again”_. She stuttered over a proper response, as Andy sat down on the stool next to her: the young Latina had tied her hair back at the nape, but the winter wind had whisked a few strands from the ponytail to messily frame her flushed cheeks.

Vic appeared by her side, her indomitable elegance and class ever-present when she wasn’t wearing her uniform: – We were looking for you, we saw you leaving the service in a hurry.

Maya moved her gaze away from the soft, pitiful glares she was receiving from her friends: – I know, I just… I-I couldn’t stay there anymore.

Most of Maya’s makeup had been smeared off, the cut on her forehead - once so masterfully hidden - was now more visible, and Andy could see a shadow of red rash under her Captain’s eyes, blotching her nose, her cheeks and even her neck. The Lieutenant nodded, weighting her options: – So, what are we drinking?

Maya realized she hadn't even ordered yet: – I don't even know if I _want_ to drink.

Vic scooted closer, leaning with her back on the long, solid bar, and shoving Maya’s elbow lovingly: – Do you want me to take you back? Home maybe?

Maya’s full, pouting lips, drawn tight in displeasure, quivered lightly as a myriad of thoughts roamed her tired mind. _Home_ , that word was nothing short than a mockery, now. Her apartment had become a bunch of walls thrown together and she couldn’t even stand the sight of the front door without throwing up. And that wasn’t even an overstatement, it really happened the day Vic tried to drag her along. Maya closed her eyes, hunting the image away: – I was on my way in, but I… I just couldn’t. – She sighted, straightening her formal trousers and her back simultaneously. – I just couldn’t go in yet.

Andy moved closer, her left arm was secured tightly in a fresh cast, partially hidden by the large grey blouse; her fingers were barely visible, but a shiny gold band signalled to Maya and the World that things between her and Sullivan were going just fine.

– You know… – Herrera started. – We react to this kind of stuff in very different ways. – She shot a smile in Vic’s direction. – She cries whenever and however she feels like it, no matter the situation or who is around.

– Yeah. – Hughes nodded, knowing where Andy was going. – And our Lieutenant here closes in on herself, or marries her superiors. – She struggled to keep in her laughter, shrugging her shoulders. – Depends on the day of the week.

They gained a shallow giggle from the blonde, who lifted her eyes to meet her friends’: – And I run.

– Yes… I mean, usually you do. – Andy’s words instigated a frown on Bishop’s features. – But you’re not running now, Maya.

Vic nodded, offering a helping hand on the Captain’s forearm: – There is no need to run this time, Maya. Just take a minute to breathe.

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

_When Maya came to again, she felt the cold, neon lights in front of her pierce right through her eyes and hit directly her brain._

_Mumbles and murmurs danced around her, voices she couldn’t really understand, nor recognise._

_When her ocean orbs finally got used to the room lighting, she discovered she was surrounded by frenzied people in blue scrubs. It was a weird perspective, one she never experienced before: she was feelingless, the World literally upside down, and she couldn’t quite exactly pin point what was happening._

_She tried to get up, but was held stubbornly in place by a strong grip on her shoulders. She started looking around more impatiently and opened her mouth to protest, only to discover it to be trapped by an oxygen mask. Her field of vision was invaded by a sweet face with a warm expression, almost ethereally surrounded by a stream of light: Teddy Altman. Cardiothoracic surgeon, Teddy Altman:_ – _Calm down, Maya._

_Suddenly hyperaware of her surroundings, the Captain felt a thousand hands touching her body, cold gel all over her torso and medical chattering finally registered in her mind._

_The concern for herself and the confusing situation she was in, was lifted quickly, as snippets of her last memories washed over her unforgivingly, like frozen drops of January rain: Carina._

_– What the hell did just happen!? – Maggie didn’t tear her eyes away from the monitor, moving the little device frantically on Maya. – Did someone give her another round of adrenaline?_

_– Nobody touches her. – Teddy’s confident order made everyone take a step back and hold their hands in the air. A convulsive beeping came from the machine by her side, while a warm hold squeezed her hand: someone was keeping her grounded._

_– How is she tachycardic? – Maggie’s agitated voice made her move slightly. – She was in V-fib like two seconds ago!_

_– Let her settle. Give her a second. – Teddy’s stance was calmer, soothing everyone’s apprehensions with soft glares, the last of which directed to her. – Just take a minute to breathe, Maya._

_As these last words left her mouth, the beeping slowed down and Maya could feel the grip around her fingers tighten. She followed her arm for all its length, only to be met by Jo Wilson’s eyes: the kind, compassionate smile she was giving her was almost more confusing than anything else._

_– She’s fine now. – Teddy moved her eyes from her younger colleague to the machines, taking the echo and positioning it on the table behind her. – You’re fine, Maya._

_– I-I’m not fine. – The poor woman almost chocked on her own breath: no, she wasn’t okay, they should have just let her go. Carina was gone and there was no way she could ever be okay again. – I’m_ not _fine…_

_Everyone looked at each other, observing the silent tears streaming down the bruises on her features and sliding around the mask. Maya felt like she could break any second, burst into angry flames, dissolve into uncontainable clouds of smoke. The doctors moved closer again and Maya tightened her grip around Jo’s hand. A pager went off and Maggie excused herself, headed towards O.R. 3, urging Teddy to join her, since she was needed in O.R. 2._

_Jo’s puffy, beautifully kind face came into Maya’s field of vision, and her soothing voice reached the firefighter’s ears. Maya found herself thinking that she moved just like Ben, no wonder they were so tight: – You have “Broken heart syndrome”, Captain. – She tilted her head, her hazelnut eyes shining understandingly, her warm hand tightening the grip once again. – It’s nothing ser-_

_– I don’t care. – Maya shook her head forcefully, blue eyes shut and a clenched jaw barely keeping in those searing words. – I just don’t fucking care._

_Jo moved closer, confused, but hopeful. She let her fingers slide lower,starting to draw reassuring circles on the back of the firefighter's hand: – Maya… Carina’s alive, she’s in surgery._

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

The day of the explosion, Amelia Shepherd walked away from that cursed hall in one piece, no injuries. At least no physical ones. She was too far away and the corridor protected her from the blast wave. A miracle, her boyfriend said.

She didn’t quite see it the same way: emotionally, she was distraught, by pain and guilt, in deep need of a pill or at least a drink. The only thing that seemed able to give her a fair dose of serotonin was her family. And she took every ounce of it, spending every second possible with her son, to recharge. And she did, little by little, she got better.

Despite that, walking back inside _Gray Sloan_ , arm in arm with Link after the funeral, proved to be harder than she expected.

– All things considered… – Her boyfriend’s strong arms scooted her closer, and she felt him leave a fleeting kiss on her head. – It was a nice service.

Amelia inhaled deeply, closing her eyes: – It was heavy, heart wrenching and devastating. That’s what it was.

– Yeah… – His blue orbs moved along the entrance, builders and construction workers had been running around the Hospital for a week now, trying to be the least invasive possible. All the Doctors and Nurses flinched every time they passed them, and no one dared to walk in front of the _paediatrics, gynaecology and obstetrics_ _ward,_ Chief Bailey arguing that the return to normalcy was essential to being able to move forward as soon as possible. Even so, she wouldn’t get any closer to the disaster place than needed. He pointed them to Amelia in an attempt to lighten the conversation. – They are moving fast with the reconstructions, all the rooms damaged by the fires are completely rebuilt.

– I know. – The neurosurgeon moved away from him a little, taking his hand between hers. – The shrink should give me the green flag for coming back today, but I think I’ll start tomorrow.

He nodded, smiling softly: – Do you feel ready?

– I do. – Another deep breath, another glance around them. – Maybe I’ll start slow, clip some small aneurysm or something. – She stood higher on her toes, kissed him considerately. – I will miss spending every moment of my uneventful days with our baby, though.

Link laughed: – Of course you will, he’s the best. 

They kept on walking, hand in hand, Amelia venting about all the small achievements their son was reaching day after day, normal things that always got gigantic in the eyes of loving parents. The orthopaedic surgeon’s attention was stolen by someone entering the Hospital, and Amelia, feeling the shift in his demeanour, followed the direction of his gaze. As soon as she saw Maya walking in, a cup of coffee held tightly between her hands, she froze: the firefighter’s usual confidence was clouded by the puffiness of her eyes and the almost unnoticeable limp that slowed her down. It had been that way for a week and a half, now.

– She looks better. – Link squeezed her suddenly frozen hand, trying to keep her by his side, even though his girlfriend was already projected towards the blonde firefighter. – Amelia, it’s not your fault.

– Will you stop saying that? I kn-

Amelia’s phone rang, trapping the end of the sentence between her lips, and distracting her from the situation. While she was looking for the device, Link moved closer: – You did everything right, you should talk to her again. Carina wouldn’t want the two of you fighting like this.

He gained a deadly, fiery look just right before her green eyes focused on the shiny screen, and Amelia’s face fell: – It’s Maggie… – Her gaze moved back up again, cryptic, melancholic but frantic, crusading left and right all over the hall, away from the man before her. – I need to go Link, I need to find Maya.

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

_– You did everything right, Amelia. – The buzzing in her ears almost clouded her sister’s voice. She slowly tore her eyes away from the bed in front of them: in the last three hours, those words were the only thing everyone said to her. – It was unfair asking you to operate._

Oh right, those too. _The Neurosurgeon tasked, nervous, uneasy: – Tom was stuck in O.R. 3, operating on that bastard… What was I supposed to do, Meredith? Refuse and let her die? – Her eyes tiredly slid away from the piercing blue orbs that were investigating her every move, only to land again on the intubated Italian in front of them. – Not that I made that much of a difference._

 _– You know, for being such a gifted and brilliant Surgeon, sometimes you’re just plain dumb. – Meredith lifted her eyebrow, knowing that the statement would gain her Amelia’s full attention. – She just had_ multiple, major _surgeries. Don’t be a fool, you know how these things work._

_She did, she really did, but the fact that Carina had yet to move a single muscle - not even an involuntary flinch - was starting to drive her crazy. She broke protocol by operating on her friend, and not only because they were really close, but also because Amelia herself had just gone through a significantly traumatizing experience, a very public meltdown and the just as public - and yet somehow more stubborn - refusal to see a psychologist right away._

_Bailey should really fire her, and maybe she will: the only problem is that Amelia doesn’t care in the slightest. She messed up long before accepting to scrub-in and lead the surgery, long before the emergency personnel arrived in the hall, even before Maya joined her stumbling by the collapsed stairs: how on Earth does a Neurosurgeon fail to detect someone’s pulse?_

_It sounded a lot like the start of a bad joke, not a real life event, but that's just what had happened: and she could still feel torn apart by the pain on Maya's bloody features, still hear the firefighter's heart shatter into million pieces and sense the hunting echo of her distraught_ “No, God, please no” _._

 _– Any news? – Maggie approached them carefully: she hadn't been able to talk to Amelia since the messy breakdown in the_ PGO _hall. She was one of the Doctors who arrived soon after the firefighters, and headed immediately towards her sister. Unfortunately, before she could reach her, Amelia saw Doctor Hayes and launched herself against him like a famished lioness. Maggie Pierce never was one to join a fight, but the effort to tear away her infuriated sister from a confused, helpless Cormac Hayes, came more as an instinct than a rational decision._

 _Dean - who was helping her with very little avail - was as astonished as she was, not really knowing what was happening, but terrified by the deadly weapon the Neurosurgeon had just turned into. Just as soon as they managed to divide the two Doctors, complete and utter chaos ensued: Vic started screaming in full_ _panic_ _that Maya was in cardiac arrest and “_ needed a Doctor yesterday”; _Warren jumped up from a pile of debris announcing he had found a pulse and needed someone to help him move everything; and Lieutenant Gibson, from upstairs, yelled that he had stumbled upon another badly injured victim in need of urgent care._

_The first statement urged Maggie to just run over and assess Maya's damaged heart: with her minute stature there was very little she could do to help the other two man, but Vic? That was her field, somewhere physical strength didn't matter, somewhere she knew for certain she could make a difference._

_Or at least that's what she thought._

_Unfortunately, the second Ben's voice reached Amelia, she fell apart completely, mumbling nonsense about blame and unnecessary delay. The poor woman grabbed Maggie for dear life, but the Cardio Chief didn’t know what was happening and couldn’t understand her sister’s response. She stayed frozen in place until Miller yelled at her to do her “_ fucking job _” and save his “_ fucking Captain _”._

_After that, it was only the inside of an O.R. after the other, distressed patients who needed her full focus and commitment. The Surgeon had heard chattering about Amelia operating on Carina, but hoped they weren’t true. The scene in front of her proved her greatest fear to be true._

_– We’re waiting. – Meredith tilted her head in the room’s direction, Andrew sitting religiously composed by his sister’s side. For a moment, Grey's attention lingered on the scene, but soon returned on Amelia. – Something completely normal after the stress Carina’s body just went through._

_Maggie nodded, insecure about how to address the green-eyed Doctor: she opted for a soothing hand on the shoulder: – Well, you could go take a shower, while we wait... Maybe even see your baby for a bit?_

_– What about_ your patient _, uh? – Amelia shoved the hand away from her shoulder in a rushed movement, her tone venomous. – Did you do a better job than mine?_

_Maggie sighted, throwing a disappointed glare to a Meredith that was already shaking her head: – Full recovery is expected._

_Amelia jumped up from the chair and opened her arms exasperated: – I don’t even know why you agreed to operate in the first place, it’s not lik-_

_– Don’t you dare finish that sentence. – If tough love was the only language Amelia was willing to speak right now, that was what Maggie intended to use. – I’m a fucking Doctor, Amelia. Not Judge, Jury and Executioner: just a Doctor. – With the corner of her eye, she noticed Meredith silently slide away and enter the room to sit beside Andrew. Her focus was quickly back on Amelia and the sacred oath they both took. – Whether it’s a white supremacist, Einstein, a bomber or Mother Theresa, they all become_ just patients _once they end up on the O.R. table. And I have to do my best to save them,_ all _of them_. _I don’t get the privilege to decide who to operate on. – She extended her hand towards her sister, offering peace and a slim resemblance of comfort. – And seeing how your day went, neither do you. So suck it up, take fifteen to regain yourself and then come back, if here is really where you want to be. I will hold the fort in your absence an-_

_– Maya hasn’t come up yet. – The fatigue in Amelia’s eyes was evident, her responses delayed, her demeanour disheartened. – I can’t leave her alone, Maggie._

_The other Doctor sighted: – She’s not alone: I’m here, there’s Andrew in with her, Mer, the nurses… She’s not alone._

_– I wasn’t talking about Carina, I was talking about Maya. – Her eyes moved away from the face in front of them and focused on the bed on the other side of the glass. – I have to be the one telling her. – Her eyes moved again, this time losing themselves in a memory. – She was there, you know? I don’t know for how long, but I’m pretty sure she witnessed Carina sending me away. – Her head moved in denial, still incredulous that those memories were events of only a few hours prior, and not bits and pieces of a TV drama. She squeezed her eyes, silent tears dropping to the floor. – God, Carina was standing exactly where I was when it all collapsed, and Maya was running towards her, I just-_

_The ding of the elevator choked the end of that sentence in her throat, and two pair of eager eyes moved expectedly towards the doors opening. A wheelchair appeared, pushed carefully by Jack: on it, an agitated firefighter struggled to stay seated patiently. Jo was standing by their side, her hand tightly gripped by Maya in an attempt to find strength, both physical and emotional. Amelia moved slowly, painfully and reached the blonde that was staring at her with pleading eyes. In those short seconds, her entire day washed over her like a frozen shower: the kiss she left on her son’s forehead when she dropped him at day-care, the heart-to-heart with Carina, the unforgivable mistake of leaving her alone, the incompetent giving up after not being able to find a pulse immediately, the meltdown and the burning sensation everyone left when they looked at her. But none of it mattered now: she had no idea what Maya knew, and she intended to deliver the news in the gentlest way possible._

_The Neurosurgeon lowered herself to meet the other woman's eyes: – I am so, so, sorry Maya._

_– How is she? – The urgency in the Captain voice saddened everyone present. – Can I see her?_

_– I had to reduce the swelling of her bra-_

_– Wait,_ you _operated on her? – The firefighter’s eyes were burning with something unreadable._

_– I had to. – Amelia steadied herself by taking the other woman’s hand: it was cold, almost icy. – Koracick was stuck with another patient and the pressure on Carina’s brain was starting to be too dangerous, I-_

_– Oh Amelia… – Maya exhaled exhausted, the sole thought of what the Doctor had to endure heavy on her shoulders. – I’m so sorry you had to do that…_

_The Neurosurgeon felt her hand being squeezed reassuringly, the kindness in Maya’s eyes giving her the strength to keep going: – She broke her right leg, open fracture, Link already fixed it. Teddy relieved the pressure on her heart, Meredith repaired the damage done by the crowbar that passed through her abdomen and nicked practically every vital organ, but somehow did no irreparable damage, and I - as I already told you - reduced the pressure on her brain._

_– Okay, okay… – Maya took a deep breath, both her hands releasing the Doctors in favour of the wheels. – I need to see her._

_– Yes, of course. – Amelia stood up, her eyes still locked with a pair of blue orbs voraciously in search for a head full of brown locks. – There are Andrew and Meredith inside, but you can go in. – She tilted her head, smiling bitterly. – All the surgeries went well, but she’s still unconscious._

_– She must be so tired… – Maya mumbled those last words incoherently, pushing herself closer to Carina’s door._

_Maggie watched her pass silently and then approached the small group: – God, her face is still so swollen._

_Jack scoffed: – She wouldn’t even let Jackson cure the cut on her forehead. Actually, she refused almost every attempt of treatment._

_– Really?_

_Jo nodded, observing the side hug Maggie was giving Amelia: – I had to lie about the length of Carina’s surgeries in order to convince her to let us treat her, and rest a little._

_Jack chuckled lightly: – Carina always complains about Maya’s stubbornness: I guess you found a way to keep her in check, uh?_

_Amelia grimaced at the present tense used by the firefighter. It was the right attitude, but she couldn’t help the weird sensation in the pit of her stomach that warned her not to rest on laurels; plus, she felt like too much positive attitude could jinx the whole situation. A shy smile reached her lips at the irony: guess Carina wasn’t the only_ “scaramantica” _after all. She recollected herself, the question burning her tongue directed to Jo: – How is she? Maya, I mean._

_The young General Surgeon sighted, putting her hands in her pockets: – She suffered broken heart syndrome, we think induced by the stress of the events in the hall. – She didn’t say it out loud, but all those present knew that it was the thought of Carina’s death that literally broke Maya’s heart. – She twisted her ankle badly and her hands are covered in abrasions. For the hit she took, the blast wave you and Andy described… – Jo shook her head incredulous. – I’d say she was lucky. The worst thing is that nasty cut on her forehead, and all the related bruising around it._

_Maggie watched Maya grab Carina’s hand and bring it to her lips, leaving a stream of gentle kisses: – I’ll make arrangements to get another bed in that room, there’s plenty of space and Maya doesn't need to tire herself too much._

_– It’s so unfair. – Amelia moved slightly from the group, her thoughts cursing the bastard responsible for all the pain floating inside the ICU, all the pain her friends were going through. – They just didn’t fucking deserve this._

_And while she walked away, unable to stand any more of the situation, the green in her eyes was a forest bathed by the ocean._

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

Maya Bishop was once again standing in front of her own reflection.

Except this time around, she was inside _Grey Sloan_ ’s bathroom, on the _ICU_ floor, and had no scissor in her hand, only a cup of hot coffee.

The bruising on her face was greenish now, closer to the day it would finally disappear than it was to the day of the accident. Her left hand reached the cut on her forehead, the stitches elegant and almost invisible: her fingers were still shaky, for some unknown reason. There was no physical explanation for that, Link conducted a bunch of thorough exams: Doctor Hagerty’s opinion was that it was probably caused by the anxiety of the situation combined to her inability to just get out and run, expel the stress in her usual way.

The first night in the ICU, when Maggie smiled at her and told her that a bed was going to be set up in order to keep her comfortable, she had a panic attack. Another full on, panic attack. If they were going to set up a semi-permanent position for her, it only meant that Carina waking up wasn’t something expected in the immediate future.

She closed her eyes, trying not to think how much different her girlfriend looked, how much it seemed like she was slowly shutting down.

She stopped herself before she started spiralling again: Andrew texted that he was in with Carina now, and after being stuck in the O.R. all morning, despite the visceral need she had to see her girlfriend, Maya thought it was only fair to give him some privacy with his sister.

After that utterly painful funeral, there was only one thing that would have made her feel better, but she had absolutely no power over it. She longed for chocolate eyes to open, pale skin to regain a little bit of its original golden-olive tone, and sweet, chapped lips to be wetted by an eager tongue.

But in almost two weeks, all she got was an involuntary spasm, something that seemed less promising than no movement at all.

Teddy kept repeating that it was normal, maybe even better this way, because Carina was sparing herself a lot of pain. And Maya honestly felt guilty for being so selfish, but she was getting so tired of waiting: she just wanted Carina to wake up, nothing more.

The door busting open almost made her jump out of her skin, and the quick turn of her head left her a little dizzy. But as soon as her blue eyes settled on Amelia, all the hatred she felt just a couple of days prior came rushing back, threatening to take over all her senses, and her better judgement. How was she still so angry?

The insecurity badly hidden in the Neurosurgeon's features moved something inside Maya, all the venomous words she said coming back to be met only by regret. Soon after, though, the reason why she had been so cruel with her girlfriend’s best friend and stopped talking to her altogether hit her like a train.

The change must have been evident on her face, because Amelia tightened her grip on the door handle and whispered, insecure: – Maya…

The firefighter’s soft brows coiled into a deep frown, and her eyes - her once kind, sparkling, cerulean eyes - were dark as a sky which warned of thunder. The lightning that followed soon after was sure to sting and burn: – It's Carina, isn't it?

– Yes… – The Neurosurgeon spoke quietly, in a whisper, her voice breaking, but her gaze was glassy, her mouth taut against a tremor.

– Damnit! – Maya tossed the cup to the ground, the coffee exploded across the white floor, and not really knowing how, she was bolting out of the bathroom, her injured leg forgotten.

Carina couldn't die without her by her side.

She wouldn't let it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long, and I wish I had a better explanation, but all I can say is: life.  
> I hope you enjoyed, and I promise the next chapter won't require all this time.  
> Stay alive, friends!


	12. Quieter than a whisper, sharper than an ivory dagger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody was moving, though.  
> Not even one of the three Surgeons in the room reacted to the sound, and they all looked at each other defeatedly, as if they knew something Maya didn't.  
> – What are you waiting for? – She shot her arm in Carina’s direction, her eyes jumping eagerly from a Doctor to the other. – Why aren’t you doing anything?  
> The look on Jo’s face shifted to pure rage and darted unforgivingly to Amelia: – You haven’t told her!?  
> Maya’s heart started pumping loudly inside her ears: – Told me what?! 

_– And you know, even though I’m sure I could push a little more, work out a bit, I’m not. – Maya collected one of her girlfriend’s cold hands, held it tightly between hers. – I won’t risk my recovery, only to end up half debilitated when you wake up. – She scoffed, tilting her head. – You should be proud of me, I’m listening to my Doctors without even needing any of your Italian threats. – A lonely tear rolled down her cheek and she didn’t even make the effort of wiping it away. – So why don’t you just wake up, and tell me how proud of me you are?_ _– No movement came from the other woman, her eyes stubbornly shut and her lips still dry. – Come on, baby, just open your eyes…_

 _Carina was taken off the ventilator the day prior: Maya found herself asking repeatedly “_ Ain’t that good news?” _to every Doctor within earshot. They reassured her with words, told her everything was going to be okay, but it was what they weren’t saying that spoke volume to all her deepest fears: they had no idea how it was going to go; actually, they had no idea why she still hadn’t woken up yet, either. And for what Maya could tell - from her ignorant point of view - there was no good reason why her girlfriend still hadn’t opened her eyes._

_To be honest, the firefighter was starting to get both impatient and slightly hopeless: it had been a week and a half since the bomb, a week and a half of uncomfortable waiting around, sleeping on hard hospital beds, and showering in the Residents’ quarters or the on-call rooms._

_Doctors and Nurses were lovely with her, providing her understandingly with whatever she needed, strolling by Carina’s room to leave flowers or well-wishes. Some lingered a little longer to chat with the Captain herself, keep her company, tell a story about her girlfriend. Maya found herself learning an impressive amount of things about Carina’s_ work persona: _based on the Nurses, the Italian somehow managed to keep everyone’s attention on her without ever even needing to address her suitors, exploiting them for favours for her patients. She even managed to get the infamous Tom Koracick to the_ P.G.O. Ward _for some kind of play date with one of her patients’ older daughter. From one of the Interns, Bishop learned that when they got back together, half the Hospital was heartbroken because it meant Carina was taken for real. She also learned that there was a bet going around on which one of them would be the first to pop the big question. Maya thought that to be a little bit premature, but found comfort in knowing that their love was strong enough to be perceived by others too._

 _Jo Wilson was the chattiest one: most of the time they talked about nothing, joked around about the Doctor's weird cases. But during a particularly hard day, one filled with too many tests for the tired firefighter's head to keep up, Maya found out from Jo that Carina had helped her process her ex-husband’s vile exit. They had been sitting in the corridor for half an hour waiting for the MRI to be empty, and Maya was starting to lose her mind. So Jo intervened, gently, knowing that these kinds of stories always turned the Captain's mood around: “She treated me as if nothing ever happened." the General Surgeon had said, "As if Alex never left the way he did. Everyone else pitied me somehow, but not her. We went out drinking a couple of times while you two were broken up… I didn’t know you were at the time, by the way, she never mentioned it, never wanted to cloud my moment of pain with hers. She just got stupidly drunk with me and we had a really fun couple of nights, with no worries and no talks about evil exes." After saying that, almost as if she had just then remembered she was in front of one of those aforesaid_ evil exes, _Jo had jumped a little, apologetic_. _"No offence.” Maya had smiled at that because she wasn’t offended at all, she deserved the epithet. “And then, more recently, when I asked Carina why she acted that way with me, she said that our exes didn’t define us, just as your last actions didn’t define you. That the way he left me didn’t make me any less of who I was when he was still here, and it didn’t make Alex any less worthy of the love we shared. Just - and I'm quoting -_ molto stupido _for leaving me behind.”. They had laughed loudly after, and Maya’s heart felt warmer for a second, as if the love that ignited it before the bomb exploded was back. It only lasted a fleeting moment, though, because her eyes had soon encountered the intubated woman lying on the bed in front of them, and she felt just as powerless as she felt that day in the hall: there was nothing she could do to change things._

 _Despite everything, and in great measure the circumstances, Maya grew close with Jo Wilson, finding in her a smart, caring and most importantly fun ally to have around, she would even push herself as far as calling the Doctor a friend. And the Surgeon walked by Carina's room every day - no pity in her eyes, only a big desire for returning the same sense of peace she received back then from the OBGYN - with a cup of coffee and a kind word to keep Maya company before her rounds._

The 19 _spent a lot of its off-shift time at the Hospital too: mainly Andy, - who herself was on medical leave - Warren, and Vic, but everyone tried to stay close. Miller even used the excuse of not having to pay the nanny since Maya was home, to drop Baby Pru with her whenever they were on shift. And although she would never admit it to him, Maya was grateful, because that little tiny human was an almost perfect distraction._

_But despite having what seemed like a village around, it never was quite enough: even though they helped to keep her mind off of things, they weren’t Carina._

_And in those days, Maya really learned the difference between being alone and being lonely._

_A long time ago she had learned how to walk on her own, how to carry others, how to cope with and solve all her problems by herself, alone. Granted, it wasn’t a perfect method, but it worked._

_Then Carina had come along and turned her world upside down: literally eliminated her reference point, destroyed her idolised misconception of her father, and the unhealthy one of what a relationship would look like if she ever was to enter a serious one._

_Carina taught her what love was and how to cultivate it with someone else. Maya’s static life had turned into something precious and worth defending, something she couldn’t turn her back on._

_Therefore having_ everyone _around, wasn’t enough. She needed_ someone _to make sense of it all. Otherwise what was left, was nothing more than an unsolvable form of loneliness that required a lover to solve. And that lover - the love of her life, really - was stuck unresponsive at the centre of the problem._

_Hence, her unsolvable loneliness remained unsolved, and she was alone in a crowd._

_Her head sent a shock of pain down her temples, tearing her attention away: it was nothing new, Maya was almost used to it, these days it hurt half the time, begging her to stay away from dangerous thoughts. And she learned, in this desert of company, that it was better to let her brain be as empty as an oceanic horizon, rather than to suffer the loss of hope and the tide of emotions that it brought._

_The sound of footsteps approaching urged Maya to straighten up, positioning the grey hoodie she was holding tightly on the back of her chair. She looked at Carina again, shaking her head defeated because her girlfriend hadn’t moved an inch during the eternity Maya spent thinking about how much she missed her._

_– Good morning. – Amelia Shepherd entered the room slowly, aware of the sensitivity of the situation. She headed directly for the curtains, opening them carefully and leaving the sun free to run around the room, illuminating Carina’s sharp profile and Maya’s purplish face. – How are we doing today?_

_The Captain still didn’t move, her eyes locked on her hand intertwined with one that so stubbornly wouldn’t squeeze back. It was like holding something that was already dead: – Hey… – She sniffed loudly and turned away, closing her eyes shut: she felt like it was starting to become too painful. – Uhm, ever-... – Maya shook her head again, clearing her throat and freeing the words trapped inside it. – Everything as quiet as usual._

_She felt a warm hand settle on her shoulder: – I’m sorry._

_– I know. – She opened her blue, watery orbs to find Amelia seated beside her, big, green eyes shining in the morning light. – Thank you._

_The Neurosurgeon exhaled observing the pained look on Maya’s face: she hated that she had to add to all of that. Maybe she could manage to postpone again, just for a little while longer. She certainly prayed she’d never have to say a thing, but so early in the day was even more unfair. She took a little space, moved back while smiling weakly, deciding to test the water before giving the woman the news: – Is Miller dropping off Pru, later?_

_– No, uhm… – The Captain stood up, rubbing her hands on her jeans' back pockets, limping to the other side of the room. – I’ve asked him not to, anymore. I just… I can’t._

_Amelia observed her in silence: Maya looked like an addict in withdrawal: – Are you okay?_

_– No, of course I’m not okay… – The firefighter laughed bitterly, mockingly. – What kind of question even is that?_

_– I know it’s a stupid question, but_ you _promised you’d say something if the nervousness got worse. – She pointed her head to the hands still rubbing the jeans, the leg jumping up and down. – And evidently, it did._

_Maya immediately crossed her arms, correcting her rookie mistake and cursing herself for showing weakness. She remembered all the therapy she attended, Doctor Hagerty’s words about being vulnerable in hard situations and she smiled shyly: – I just think every day takes a piece of my hopes away, chews it with no regard and then spits it out like it was worth nothing. – She shook herself from the extremely specific visual description. – Today must have taken a pretty big bite, that’s all. I’ll feel better tomorrow._

_The emerald-eyed Doctor squeezed her glare in compassion: – It’s okay to feel lost, Maya._

_– I know it is, I’ve been to enough therapy sessions to know that, trust me. But this is different. – Maya sighed loudly and looked out of the window. The sun was already up: she had missed another sunrise. – I don’t know how to describe it… It’s like- I just feel like I’m falling away from the Earth. – She moved closer once again, her shaking left hand gently going to rest on Carina’s knee. – And it drives me crazy because it’s physically impossible. But that’s just how I feel._

_– Science doesn't always have all the answers._

_– Oh, don't_ I _know that. – Her head snapped up, an uneven smile painted on it, her eyes chillingly directed right into Amelia's. – After all, every last one of you Doctors and all your fancy degrees, have absolutely no idea why Carina isn’t waking up, haven’t you? – She observed the Neurosurgeon lose her compassionate expression, a guilty one taking its place. – So_ I _know science doesn’t always have the answers... But do you? Does_ any _of you know that?! – She opened her arms in desperation, her jaw clenched tightly while she tried not to cry out of anger. – You promised me she would wake up, that everything would be okay… and yet, here we are, science useless in front of a sleeping woman. – She looked at an Amelia that wasn’t fighting back, lost in what seemed like a vision. Maya shook her head, her breath laboured and her faith disappearing. And that’s when it hit her: the promise everyone made to her, was shamefully unfair. – And what kind of Doctors actually are you? Even_ I _know you’re not supposed to make that kind of promises. But it's my fault too, because I stupidly let myself believe you. – That hope, the one that was being slowly shuttered day after day, was what was destroying Maya. And she was pretty sure she couldn’t bear to feel much more of that pain anymore. – For what!? They were just meaningless words aiming only to crush me._

_Amelia took her eyes away from the oceans that were trying to drown her, and painfully directed them on Carina’s peaceful features: – She will wake up, Maya. She has to, we have no other choice._

_Maya squinted her eyes at the particularly careful phrasing: even if her head was pounding and everything seemed confused, something in that sentence and the way it was delivered rang a warning bell. Amelia had been staying at home and accepted only occasional, drastically urgent surgeries. Almost every day she found small pieces of spare time to check on the couple. Maya didn’t understand it, but didn’t ask her about it either: the important thing was that if Carina ever was to need her again, Amelia would have been available._

_Before the firefighter could enquire more and investigate the weird response, approaching footsteps reached her ears and a quiet chattering registered. She composed herself and moved slightly away from the bed, watching Amelia do the same._

_– Hey, you two! – Link entered the space smiling, radiating cheerfulness at every step as he always did. By his side, Jo immediately read the room and understood that they had interrupted something. To everybody’s tense displeasure, her friend wasn’t that perceptive. – So, I was at day-care just now, I dropp-_

_An obsessive beeping came from one of the machines against the wall. The three Doctors froze and Maya was taken back to when_ she _was the one lying on a bed surrounded by medical personnel. The state of confusion and out-of-the-body déjà-vù experience she just lived, passed her by like strangers on the streets, when she realized that the machine beeping was the heart monitor._

_Nobody was moving, though._

_Not even one of the three Surgeons in the room reacted to the sound, and they all looked at each other defeatedly, as if they knew something Maya didn't._

_– What are you waiting for? – She shot her arm in Carina’s direction, her eyes jumping eagerly from a Doctor to the other. – Why aren’t you doing anything?_

_The look on Jo’s face shifted to pure rage and darted unforgivingly to Amelia: – You haven’t told her!?_

_Maya’s heart started pumping loudly inside her ears:_ _– Told me what?!_

_The Neurosurgeon spoke softly: – Carina has a DNR._

_– A what!?_

_Link tried to take a step closer: – A Do Not Resuscitate order, it-_

_– I know what a fucking DNR is. – Maya’s breathing got more and more laboured, her shaky hands closing in two tight fists. – It just doesn’t make any sense that she has one!_

_Amelia stood up, moving towards Link’s open arms: – It was in her wishes._

_The firefighter was scarlet with rage and confusion: – No it fucking wasn’t!_

_Link tried again: – She had a will, and a DNR was included Maya, I’m so-_

_– This is_ not _what she wanted! – Maya was crying desperately, now. – I was the one waking up every day by her side: she doesn't want this. – She pleaded towards the only person in the room that knew Carina well enough to do something about this absurdity. – Please, Amelia, do something… – But the Neurosurgeon didn’t move: she didn’t agree with Carina’s DNR, but she wasn’t going to violate a dying woman’s wishes, no matter how hard it was standing there and do nothing. – Please, I’m telling you, this is not what she wants! – When Maya finally accepted that Amelia wasn’t going to do anything, a new kind of heartbreak hit her: one that stunk like betrayal and stung every part of her being with sharp needles. She was powerless all over again, her voice a pleading whisper as she fell to the hard floor. – You can’t let her die... please._

 _– Oh, fuck it! – Jo shoved the cup of coffee into Link’s chest, pressed the button on the wall beside Carina’s headboard and jumped on the bed starting compressions. A mechanic voice began chanting_ “Code blue” _at an intermittent cadence that almost hypnotized Maya._

_– Jo!? What are you doing!? – Link moved closer to his best friend, taking her by the shoulders_ _, trying to talk her out of it_ _. – You’re going to get in so much trou-_

_Doctor Wilson shook him away: – I’m choosing to believe the woman who stood beside Carina every day for the past several months, instead of a stupid piece of paper filled out seven years ago. – Maya flinched: was it even legal to be bound by something that old? Carina was still doing back and forth between Italy and a bunch of other Countries back then, there were absolutely no similarities with her current situation, no resemblance of stability. She observed Jo pump her girlfriend’s chest, not a single hint of regret on her features. – So either you help me, Link, or get out of my fucking way!_

_A couple of Nurses were running just outside the room, getting a crash cart ready to intervene, when Jo spoke again: – No, no, wait! She’s back! – She looked at the incredulous people in the room, her hands fixing her hair in order to regain a little of her original composure, her voice more even. – She’s back._

_Maya took a series of short, shaky breaths, trying to push away the fears she felt rising in her stomach: this wasn’t the time for one of her stupid panic attacks: – Wha-what happened?_

_Jo shrugged and continued with her examination, while the other two Surgeons looked at each other uncertain of what to do. Amelia moved towards the firefighter, her eyes puffy and her vision watery: – Maya I-_

_– Don’t! – The Captain straightened up angrily, abruptly, as if she'd only just realized she was perilously close to losing control. The despair fell away from her livid features, her expression shuttered, her eyes hardened. –_ _Just… don’t._

_Before Amelia could answer, Jo's voice rose again, frantic: – Her pupils are blown, she’s having a stroke!_

_Link ran to the bed, ready, unlocking the wheels that kept it grounded against the wall. Amelia moved too, but Maya got to her first: – What do you think you’re doing? You’re not going with them. – Amelia trembled at the coldness in the firefighter’s voice. – Can someone please get Koracick?_

_The Neurosurgeon tried to argue her case: – There may not be enough time for that, I have t-_

_– No. – Maya shook her head, tightening her fists and feeling her short nails dig into her palms. – You were willing to let her die literally twenty seconds ago, there is no way in hell I'm letting you touch her._

_The General and Orthopaedic Surgeons looked at each other, then at the two women standing one in front of the other in a stubborn, loaded stare-down, and then at the patient below them, and decided Carina was more important than two grown women fighting: those two could manage themselves and not kill each other until someone arrived._

_They pushed the bed out of the room, Jo screaming orders and requests to the Nurses, a voice in the intercoms calling insistently for Doctor Koracick to meet them in O.R. 1._

_– Why… Why didn't you tell me? – Maya’s voice was barely more audible than a soft murmur, yet her tone quieter than a whisper, sharper than an ivory dagger. – Why didn’t you do something._

_It wasn’t a question, and Maya deserved an explanation, but Amelia didn’t have one for her. She didn’t have one for anybody, really: she didn’t intervene because that’s what Carina wanted. It was her wish, her_ dying _wish, something written on paper, clearly stated, not some emotional deduction made by someone clearly biased: the DNR was an undeniable certainty._

_– You stood there, and did_ nothing _! – The Captain's lower lip quivered as more words slowly made their way out of her mouth. – She was dying, Amelia! She was fucking dying_ , _and you… – Maya didn’t try to stop the guttural sounds her crying provoked, didn’t force herself into a straight position, didn’t wipe the tears away: this,_ this _was that too much she feared coming. – And you were okay with it._

_She was tired of being so damn lonely, she thought Amelia was all in with her, but somewhere along the way, the Doctor evidently must have had a change of heart. And what was crushing her the most, was realizing how much she hated being so alone. She shook her head, trying to get back to reality: – You betrayed her. You gave up on an unconscious woman... On your fucking best friend, Amelia! How!?_

_The Neurosurgeon moved back, still with not even the faintest shadow of the intention of answering the yearning blonde in front of her. Her green eyes looked as if a stormy ocean had been encased inside of small glass marbles:_ "please forgive me" _they pleaded;_ “I had no other choice” _, they said. Then the two smooth, emerald spheres appeared to be cracked horizontally, and the raging ocean started to leak, little water droplets streaming down Amelia’s rosy cheeks._

 _Her stubborn silence finally got to Maya, igniting the venomous side of her that was seeking vengeance since the day of the explosion: – You know, I never thought you’d be_ this much _of a selfish coward. – Her jaw clenched, her frosting rage indomitable: she moved closer, dangerous and unforgiving. – The truth is that you only care about yourself and your fucking sobriety. You operated on Carina the first time only because there was no way out of it: the lines of the rules were blurry and you were literally a junkie high on adrenaline. – Amelia looked at the Captain moving slowly, circling her like an easy prey frozen in place by pain. A pain that had an unpleasant warmth to it, that ate her stomach piece by piece and left a sense of nausea that pushed her to hold on to the chair for support. And the worst had yet to come. – Besides, your pride would have come out on top, no matter the outcome of the surgery, right? Because you had at least tried to play with the shady, shitty hand you were dealt. – Maya smiled bitterly, coldly. That was probably the scariest thing: her rage wasn’t like a fire that blazed hot, sparkled as if it needed to leap, to fly, willing to land wherever it might, and then die fast. No, it was a frozen fury that tormented Amelia like burning ice. – But now… – Maya stopped, breathed in, breathed out. She had swallowed so much anger, forgetting to take the time to heal, preserve herself, that everything she had been somehow able to keep in, was now raging out, owning her, dominating every thought, controlling every action. And there was no stopping it. – Now the rules are clear, right? It’s written in black and white: she has to go. And God forbids you ever break a rule, your vow of honesty would crumble. – Amelia clenched her jaw, those words, the pain they caused, weren’t sharp as a needle or a knife that passed her through, they burned around her, creeping in her innards and ripping her breath away. – It doesn’t matter that she’s your best friend, my girlfriend, Andrew's sister... Her own fucking person! It doesn't matter… you had to let her go because that’s what she wrote on a stupid piece of paper seven fucking years ago! – Maya felt every word, every violating phrase, stab her own soul, crush all the progress she made before crossing through the Neurosurgeon: but she couldn’t help it, she was so mad, felt so betrayed, that she needed to ice everything around her for miles. And Amelia was the last, stumbling barrier between her and her frozen isolation. – But it was the honest option, right? The one that preserved your sobriety, the righteous one, the_ just _one. – Maya knew what she was doing was wrong by the way Carina’s best friend was looking at her: pleading, unmoving. But there was no more grace in her life, and there was no space for compassion. Only a searing pain that came from within, that exploded and tore her apart like silent hand grenades. – And it might have been just, but it sure as hell isn’t fair. She saved your life in the hall, she managed to send you away endangering herself even more. She_ literally _gave herself to a bomber, to get you a chance at the life you always longed for, a life by your son's side. And_ _this_ … this _is how you repay her: by letting her die. – Fists clenched, jaw rooted, Maya moved to the door, not a single emotion betraying her pain, just a bitter, unforgiving, uneven, smile that never could quite reach her eyes. – Congratulations, then, you’re a truly righteous person. A fucking crappy friend, but a righteous person with a hygienically perfect moral facade, no less._

_And then she left; and Amelia was alone in a room too septic to be considered welcoming, too cold to be comforting, too heavy to be calming._

_Her mother always said regrets were “moral residues” that got stuck on you when you did something against your better judgment._ _Except Amelia didn’t do anything against her better judgment: she followed every rule to the letter, her every move supported by very good reasons._ _But right now, she couldn’t remember any of them, the only thing clear in her mind was Maya’s haunting tone, her piercing words._ _And finally, she could see it, the stain of moral shame that was on her, a residue impossible to remove, like an indelible blemish that smeared her cerebral cortex._

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

Maya couldn’t understand a word coming from Amelia’s lips, as they got further and further away from her, still stuck in the bathroom, while she was far too focused on just running towards the ICU without crashing into something or someone. 

After the _code blue_ incident, Maya took responsibility for the breach of protocol with Miranda Bailey. Ultimately, she had nothing more to lose, and she desperately needed Doctor Wilson to stay on Carina’s case. The Chief of Surgery asked her if she was sure she wanted to play it that way, and Maya got the clear feeling that Miranda knew she was covering for someone else. But it didn’t matter, she didn’t care, at least not until Bailey explained to her that it was a one-time thing. That she could manage to cover it up and let it slide that _one_ time, but couldn’t give her any second rounds, unless - of course - the legally binding documents were overturned. And Andrew didn’t have any luck on that front yet.

Therefore, a new _code blue_ would have been the last one, and nobody could do a goddamn thing about it. 

So she ran, limping and hobbling, until her muscles burned and her veins were pumping battery acid. At her last turn, she almost slipped on the shiny floor, catching herself just in time to finally look inside the room, across all the Doctors’ heads.

Her brows furrowed and her breath got stuck in her throat, because a pair of brown eyes were staring right back at her. The sort of brown eyes that bring back to the memory hearth-sipped hot chocolate, the sunlight that shines through thick glasses of whiskey, the brave colour of a bold bear. And those sweet images were all trapped inside a gaze just as alive, just as real, just as fierce.

All the medical chatter died down in a second, and a confusing amount of heads turned her way. It was almost intimidating, but Maya didn’t care: she was looking right into Carina’s eyes. And her girlfriend was looking right back at her. That old, heaven-spun autumnal gaze she missed so deeply, so fundamentally. Maya promised herself that she’d never let it go again: she would hold it forever, no matter the cost.

Andrew’s voice reached her ears, her glare never really moving from Carina: – Maya… finally someone found you.

At the corner of her eyes, she managed to see Meredith put a hand on his back: – I think we should give these two some space, uhm?

Everyone nodded and slowly passed her, Jo being the last one, a big grin of victory on her lips and pure joy in her eyes; when the room was finally cleared, Maya was still stuck leaning against the doorjamb, struck by just how lost Carina looked. Not in pain, not scared: just flat out lost. Strangely, and alarmingly small, swallowed by all those hospital blankets and a thick, grey hoodie. _Her_ thick, grey hoodie.

_Did she get changed? How long had Carina been awake? Why did no one call her sooner? What passed through her girlfriend’s head when she was nowhere to be found? When she woke up and Maya wasn’t there?_

– Maya? – The Italian’s voice was nothing more than a quiet whisper, a yearning murmur that sent a chilling shock down Maya’s spine.

The Captain wasn’t frozen in place anymore, upon hearing that hoarse, almost achingly unsure sound, she moved cautiously towards the bed, towards a sight that felt too good to be true: – I’m here… – She responded softly. – I’m here, Carina. – Her lower lip started trembling as she reached for Carina’s left hand and took it into her own. She almost started to speak again, but every word abandoned her entirely when Carina tried to sit up and lean back into the bed, emitting a muffled noise that sounded too much like a pained whimper. Maya’s eyes darted to the door, she swallowed hard and began to pull away. – I’ll go get Ame-…– She stopped, because she couldn’t get the Neurosurgeon, her hatred would have shown too easily for Carina not to notice it. – Jo. I’ll get Jo Wilson, just stay put, okay?

– No, no… please? – Carina sighed as she tightened her grip on Maya’s hand. She had noticed how her girlfriend had tensed while mentioning her best friend, but she wasn't sure she wanted to investigate further. Not now at least: now she just wanted Maya by her side. With the little strength she’d regained, she fixed her position the best she could, minding every sound, every breath that left her mouth. – Just stay. I don’t want more pain medications, they make me _confusa_. – Her right arm moved away from the covers, showing the cast completely, a soft smile on her now no longer dry lips. – I just want you here. 

– I’m sorry. – Maya apologized almost inaudibly as she turned so she could sit on the edge of Carina's bed. – I’m sorry, I wanted so bad to be here when you woke up, I just… – Maya’s voice trailed off in an inaudible whisper, lost in her throat and inside the overwhelming emotions that were flooding her entire body. Her head was killing her again, and the pressure she put on her leg to endure the strain of getting to the room as quickly as possible, was starting to make its consequences felt, as well as forcing her to question her better judgement. She would never regret her choice, though. Carina's warm hand moved between hers, tightening her grip at first, and then starting to stroke along her arm, providing more comfort than it had any right to do. Maya took a deep breath, steadied herself. – How are you?

– I’m just loopy, I guess. I don’t feel any real pain, so I imagine that the _medicine che mi hanno dato stiano funzionando_. – Maya didn’t stop, nor question her, unsure Carina even realized she had switched to Italian: as long as she kept talking, it didn’t matter. – But nobody is telling me what day it is, so I’m _very_ confused.

The OBGYN observed a storm rage inside her girlfriend’s blue eyes, Maya’s hands wrapped around her own, as if she was trying to get a reaction from the Italian: – I really thought I was going to lose you. – The blonde played with her girlfriend's fingers, her gaze low, preferring to concentrate on the covers rather than on the other woman’s eyes. – To be fair, at first, I thought you were dead. Then they saved you, somehow, and I just… I just wanted you to be okay, but you weren’t, and then you wouldn’t wake up… I really, _really_ thought I would have lost you.

Carina smiled, she didn’t remember much and a lot of things were still coming back to her in bits and pieces, but the feeling of warmth in her chest never seemed to have left her: – Hey, Maya… – With a lot of effort, she moved her right hand, surprised by how much the cast seemed to weight, and cupped the firefighter’s cheek. – Look at me, _Bella._ – Upon hearing that nickname, Maya’s head snapped up, her eyes closing because the fast movement earned her a pesky wave of pain. As if Carina was really seeing her for the first time, a thin, worried line formed on her forehead, and her nose crimped a little, her voice frenzied. – What happened? _Il tuo viso è tutto livido e quel taglio… Oh mio Dio._

Even though she didn’t understand the end of the sentence, Maya knew what Carina was referring to: her left hand reluctantly left its warm place and joined the one in a plaster that was hovering around her features. – It’s nothing, really. – She took Carina’s hand in hers and rested it gently on her still slightly bruised face. – See? Just a cut and a couple of bruises. You’re the injured one. – Brown eyes danced on her face, unsure. Carina wasn’t in pain before, but now a strange feeling of guilt started eating at her insides, chopping away big bites of confidence, prompting her to slowly lose her self-control. _What the hell had happened to them? And when did it happen? Maya’s bruises were almost completely reabsorbed, so it must have been a while._ – I’m serious, Carina, I’m fine. – The Italian was taken out of her thoughts when Maya’s head shifted ever so slightly, leaning on her girlfriend’s fingers and leaving a fleeting kiss. She had done it so many times before, especially in the two weeks prior, but to the firefighter, _this_ felt different. It finally felt reciprocated again. – Now that you’re awake, I’m fine.

The Italian smiled softly, her mind still a little bit too clouded to investigate further. She felt a strange sense of tiredness creep up her chest, while her eyes stubbornly refused to leave the blue pools that were longing her way. There were so many things not adding up, starting with the extremely formal attire Maya was wearing. She wanted to ask her about it, but the words that left her mouth weren’t the ones she had in mind: – _Dammi un bacio…_

It was a mesmerizingly silent murmur, something Maya should have missed with the chaos of an active Hospital raging out of their door, but she didn’t: there was nothing else than her girlfriend now. And until Carina had spoken, Maya had forgotten that kissing her was even an option. She made a soft, amused sound in the back of her throat, leaning forward slowly, closing her eyes on the way, gentle just enough to press a soft kiss to Carina’s lips. And to her surprise, she found that it wasn’t the kiss in itself that she missed the most, but rather that moment between a yearning glare and the blind feeling of lips on hers. The moment where the world stops for the briefest amount of time, and the only thing that matters is the anticipation, the thrill in her veins, the halting stop both her breath and her heart seem to catch. A moment so brief in its perfection, and so intense in its existence that hangs weightlessly in the air and pulls them closer, begs them to meet halfway. And when they do, and the magic of that immortal handful of seconds comes to an end, they realize it’s only the beginning. And in that gentle kiss, Maya was finally home again.

Carina exhaustedly fell back into the softness of her pillows, her fingers still lazily tangled with Maya’s hands: – I think I need to sleep. – She didn’t miss the terrified shadow that passed behind Maya’s still trembling in joy eyes, but she was too jaded. – I’m really tired, _Bella…_

Maya smiled, a smirk a little bit too bitter to fully be able to reach her eyes: – I know, it’s okay. – She nodded reassuringly, squeezing her hand and gaining a tight clinch in return. – Sleep, baby, I’ll be here when you wake.

And she wasn't lying, she would have been the first thing her girlfriend would have laid eyes on when she finally opened them again.

It was a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is here, sorry for the long wait, but Uni and work are making my life a mess lately.  
> Anyway, I know it took me an illegal amount of time, so I shouldn't really be allowed to make any request, but I would really appreciate it if you could tell me how this chapter made you feel and what it awaken inside.  
> Also, I'm sorry about the whole Maya-Amelia situation, but it fit really well. And yes, it kind of pained me to write it, but also made me very satisfied, somehow.  
> Thank you all again for reading, for the support, the love and the patience, as always... Stay alive friends!


	13. Rearrange her particles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> – Miranda told me the great news, how’s Carina?  
> Maya’s blue pools didn’t move from their target, ignoring the frisky man beside her that could barely contain his excitement: – Asleep. – She was hollow, defeated: why was Carina sleeping again? Hadn’t she rested enough for a lifetime?

** _·_ ** **_ PRESENT DAY  _ ** ** _·_ **

Elbows pinned on the solid desk behind her, Maya’s gaze was fixated on the thick, closed curtains that this time divided her for good from Carina. It was the only thing she could manage to see, almost obsessively studying the gentle swinging caused by the breeze of tepid air Nurse Carson suggested would be good for her girlfriend. Her peacefully, closely monitored, sleeping girlfriend.

The recent memory of Carina’s lips on hers still hunted her, trying to ignite a so longed fire of joy inside her: her girlfriend had woken up. She had even asked for a kiss: Carina was finally okay.

Nevertheless, Maya couldn’t manage to relax, to settle, to definitely stop worrying. She almost felt like now more than ever, she needed to stay vigil, to not let her guard down and be ready for anything, _everything_ to happen.

Because the weather changes rapidly on the peak of the mountains, and right about now, she felt higher than ever: she was on top of the damned, wicked World. But that was probably the problem: all highs are meant to have subsequential lows; and after all the ascending she had done in the past hour, - for Maya Bishop - there was nowhere to go but down.

It was the crude law of the Universe.

– Hey, Cap! – From the far corner of her eye, she caught someone wave in her direction. When she didn’t flinch, Warren ran up to the desk she was still unnecessarily making sure wouldn't move, barely able to breathe normally because of the overflow of joy he was emanating. – Miranda told me the great news, how’s Carina?

Maya’s blue pools didn’t move from their target, ignoring the frisky man beside her that could barely contain his excitement: – Asleep. – She was hollow, defeated: _why was Carina sleeping again?_ _Hadn’t she rested enough for a lifetime?_ Her tired mind went back and forth across the deep sea of possibilities this particular development involved.

Humanity prides itself in its scientific achievements, the advancements of technology, the important milestones reached thanks to medical research; yet it still seems to only be scraping away at the surface of all that the human body is, and everything it is withholding: the secret instructions to a magnificent, perfectly balanced machine. The human body, so fragile and easily breakable, a device that was her own too, her own failing instrument of life, disappointing in the most basic of its duties: keeping it together. It was instead simply falling into ruin, and imploring her to rearrange her particles just to survive.

– Ben! – From the other side of the hall, Maya recognised Doctor Wilson’s voice, but yet again, didn’t move when she felt the woman approach them quickly. – Ben Warren in the flash, as if today couldn’t get any better! – The Surgeon stopped by his shoulder to give him an amicable shove, and then circled him to get by Maya’s other side. – It’s been too fucking long, man.

Warren tsked: – You saw me last week, Jo. – He gave a quick, almost unsure glance at his Captain’s stoic expression, and then turned his attention back on the General Surgeon that was still waiting with her hand out for Maya to grab her coffee. – So… – He offered. – What’s the news?

Jo smiled happily: – Well, Carina woke u-

– Just tell me this is not it. – Maya swallowed loudly, her eyes bloodshot and her gaze finally moving away from the wall of green waves that still danced in front of them, only to start jumping maniacally from a Doctor to the other. – Just tell me this is not like that Sloan guy.

Upon hearing that name, Ben’s skin crawled, and Jo snapped to attention: she grabbed her new friend by the elbow and dragged her around the corner, Warren following them closely behind: – Maya… what the _hell_ are you talking about!?

The Captain took a series of deep breaths, a lonely tear slowly rolling down her cheek: – If you stick around this ICU - these waiting rooms - for as long as I did, you inevitably start earing stories. – She looked at her friends with pleading eyes, shaking her head. – You two were here, right? When it happened?

– Barely. – Jo put the cup of coffee in the shaking hands that were restlessly running along elegant clothes, hoping it would calm her friend. – I had just arrived as an intern and Ben was doing back and forth from LA, I think? – She looked at him for confirmation, but didn’t really want any, nor she waited for it: where he was back then, wasn’t the point. The point was that - _right now_ \- Maya was spiralling. Fast, and dangerously close to the deep end; and they needed to pull her out. – I didn’t know him personally.

– But you know _of_ him, you know what happened _to_ him. – Maya looked around them: even if they were in the quietest part of the ICU, even if Carina had all the VIPs’ treatments and privileges, the place was still a mess of people running around. Nurses, and Fellows, and Interns, and Doctors who thought they were invisible just because it was expected for them to be there, just because they all looked the same in their stupid basic coloured scrubs and their even more stupid white coats. But they weren’t: they weren’t invisible, nor subtle. They were only big mouths, with quirky stories to spread, some of them not even theirs to tell, and definitely too hurtful to be heard. – Hell, _everyone_ who works here seems to know about it.

Ben tried to play dumb, hoping - praying - that some incautious gossiper hadn’t gone and spilt the tragic story of Mark Sloan to a barely hanging on Maya Bishop: – You mean that he died after the plane crush?

– No. – The Captain shook her head again, the coffee now back in Jo’s hands while her own short nails somehow managed to spear inside the flash of her palms. – I mean that he woke up and acted like he was going to get better, like he was going to stay alive for the ones who loved him. – She released her hands from their deadly fists, and looked her older teammate right in the eyes. – And then he went and _fucking died_.

Ben shook his head, feeling every piece of his heart shatter under the agonizing gaze: – I uhm…

– Just tell me this is not that case, Warren. – Two streams of hot tears were now running mercilessly from her eyes, the blue kindled by a new kind of lustre, lighter than the clearest oceans against the sun, brighter than the Mediterranean sky at midday. – Just tell me that, and we can _all_ be on our merry way.

Ben was tempted to lie, tempted to say that Carina wasn't going to be another chapter of a tragedy, another version of Mark Sloan and shut down completely after cruelly getting everyone's hopes up, after deceiving them into thinking she was going to pull through. But before he could do any more damage, Jo intervened: – There is no way of telling for sure, Maya. – She freed herself from the cup of coffee that kept jumping pointlessly from her hands to the blonde's and took the Captain by the shoulders. – That’s the big problem with _"surges”_ : we just don’t know if the improvements we are registering now are going to be permanent, or just a result of the last strays of energy she’s still storing inside.

– It’s just… – Maya pushed her lips together, trying desperately to keep them from shaking. – They haven’t started rebuilding the _P.G.O. ward_ yet, and she’s an OBGYN, and I ca-… – Her voice broke, inevitably betraying her fragile state of mind: she was caught between her hopes and a hard place. – I can’t stop fucking thinking that they’ll name it after her, in her honour.

Ben’s eyes closed, while his head turned to the ceiling: it was a legitimate fear, one that would hunt him too, if he was in the Captain’s shoes; in that Hospital, everyone had a way of making death unfairly poetic.

Jo’s eyebrows moved to the centre of her forehead, creating intense wrinkles that looked a lot like sad waves of skin: – Oh, Maya…

Blue eyes met hazelnut ones, and once again found comfort in someone that seemed to understand pain way too well. Jo never liked crossing boundaries, but this was an intense situation, one that required extraordinary methods to be contained. So she moved closer, and opened her arms slightly, slowly, in order to let the ultimate decision fall in the Captain's hands. But Maya didn’t care about gossip or appearances right now, all she needed was a friend, and Jo was available. She moved closer, entering the comforting embrace that was waiting for her: – I just don’t want her name _anywhere_ on this fucking building.

And with those words she let herself feel again, for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

* * *

**_ · BOMB DAY, 18 HOURS LATER  _ ** ** _·_ **

_– I’m not sure I’m allowed to drink coffee, Andy. – Maya grinned, the upper part of her face extremely swollen and her gaze still scarily shallow. – I have a concussion._

_The Latina scoffed: – First of all, the coffee is for me; secondly, if you really were that much concussed, you wouldn’t be shamelessly walking around at 8 in the morning. – As she reached her friend at the ICU desk, the tall, dark-haired, male nurse that Maya was talking to walked away to give them some space. Andy's gaze softened: she hadn't seen her friend since the Captain's heart stopped in the hall, sending everyone in a deep state of panic, and Herrera herself in a complete and utter terror of suffering yet another unsustainable loss in less than a year. – How are you?_

_Maya lifted her shoulders, digging her hands deep in the_ Grey Sloan _hoodie Amelia had gotten her: – I'm good... maybe just a little tired, I haven’t really slept last night, but overall I’m good. – Her blue eyes settled on the cast that kept Andy's arm secured from further damages. – You?_

_– Maya... – The Lieutenant didn’t have to say much more than that to see her friend stiff. – You know what I'm talking about._

_– I'm fine Andy, really. I just need some of my stuff: clothes, toiletries… I don’t know, the basics. – The Captain sighed, wanting at all costs to avoid the elephant in the room for as long as possible. – Vic should stop by after shift with everything I need._

_– Wait… you don’t plan on going home?_

_Maya giggled bitterly: – I can’t, they have to monitor me. You know, my leg, my heart, my head…_

_– Your girlfriend. – The Lieutenant maintained the same inflection of her friend and named the real reason why Maya wasn’t going to leave the Hospital anytime soon anyway. The watery glare she gained, almost made her regret it. – Come on, Maya… – She reached forward, trying to get closer to her best friend. – You need to name your demons._

_– She's just in a coma, Andy. – The blonde raised her shoulders, taking a long, deep breath and building her walls back up, one after the other. – She went through multiple surgeries, she'll wake up._

_– Yes, but she has yet to move. – Andy was battled: what was she supposed to say? Keep enabling her friend’s hopeful illusions and avoid her another possible major breakdown, or help her see things as they really were? A quick glance at the nostalgia taking over Maya’s posture and Andy knew perfectly well what she had to do. – You don’t know if she’ll ever wake up, Bishop; nobody does._

_– She just needs time. – Stuck in her bitter denial, and maybe helped by the pain medications that were numbing her reality, Maya still didn’t move, nor she dignified her Lieutenant’s opinion with more words than strictly necessary. – And I happen to have a lot of it on my hands now, so I’ll be here. – She sniffled loudly, decided to put an end to the conversation. – I heard Gibson and Sullivan went back to the scene last night._

_– Yeah… – A weird sense of moral panic threatened to take Andy over: Doctor Shepherd had told her to go slow with every new piece of information she’d give Maya; the Captain’s brain was still recovering from the shock of the concussion, and too much to process could result in panic attacks or emotionally uncontrolled reactions. Therefore, Andy would go slow, and check-in every now and then to read Maya’s real responses through her body language, but she_ needed _to let her best friend know the truth. – Robert was_ literally _the only person to take your rant seriously._

_The blonde frowned: – What rant?_

_Andy pointed the chairs to their left with her almost empty cup of coffee: – The whole_ “we shouldn’t have ended up there” _rant?_

 _– Oh… that. – Maya’s eyes widened in surprise when the awkward, fuzzy memories of the day before came back. She limped towards the chairs and breathed in deeply. – God, I was_ so _confused._

_– No, actually, it turned out you were right. – Andy smiled shyly and clicked her tongue. – The blast wave was inconsistent._

_– Wha-… – The Captain put one of her hands on her best friend’s knee. – I don’t understand, what do you mean?_

_The cast that gently landed over the bruised and skinned fingers was aimed to calm Maya, but almost had the exact opposite result. Andy sighed and tried to stay as composed as she could: – If the explosion had been originated from Maryanne Johnson, you and I should have been pushed away from the stairs. Instead, we landed to the left of the ruins._

_– O-okay... – Maya nodded, the dusty memories that were now running before her eyes still weren’t making any sense. – What was that blast, then?_

_– We are not sure yet, but Doctor Gray explained to me how the injuries on Maryanne Johnson’s body were inconsistent with an explosive belt. She didn’t make it through the night. – In all honesty, when Andy had met her on her way out the night before, almost eight hours after the explosion, and right after Maryanne had died, the revered General Surgeon’s words had actually been:_ “She’s gone because she was crushed by the ceiling, not because a fucking bomb tore her apart: I don’t know why the Seattle PD keeps saying otherwise”. _Andy shook in discomfort at the memory, the images of a battled Meredith Gray still vivid in her mind. That’s when Robert, by her side, had confessed something wasn’t adding up in his opinion too; therefore - upon her insistence - after making sure Hughes would take his wife home, he went back to the scene with Gibson, exiting an hour and a half later with more questions than when they had entered. Andy thought that all these details weren’t important for Maya, so she preferred to keep going with the part that really mattered. – And also uhm… Robert said that there was_ no way _Carina would have_ ever _survived, if that woman had blown herself up: they were too close._

_In Maya’s mind, the last moments before the explosion were extremely foggy, and the ones following it inconsistent and blended together in random chronological order. But one thing she clearly remembered, was Vic’s worried glare as she tried to point out that something wasn’t adding up: that unquestionable concern still made her shake to her very core, even if she had been right all along._

_She lifted her head and observed her surroundings: it seemed to be a lazy morning, for a Hospital that had just suffered a bomb attack the day prior. The halls were filled with very few concerned relatives, - probably due to the early hour - while Doctors and Nurses were running around to make sure everyone was receiving the best care possible. But there were no Security Guards, no Police presence, no one was rushing through, or losing their mind in worry of another attack. It was almost as if it had never happened, and the World had never stopped. But to Maya, nothing was really moving, and she was the only one standing still, frozen in a reality too painful to face, while everything else kept going unscarred. The tranquillity of the air made sure that that same impression of stillness and impotence stained her soul. She felt miles away from where her body was stuck, her mind unable to connect all the new information Andy was providing her with. Not to mention her feelings: those were an unsolvable curse, a massive tangle of wreckage, resistant to the abrasion, the torsion she tried to apply to dissolve it and understand what was guarded beneath, whether it was her current emotional state, or even herself._

_– There’s more._

_To hear once again Andy’s insecure voice, made the blonde jump, filling her at the abrupt interruption with the unwholesome, dark feeling of being ripped away from her own head by someone else’s words: – More?! What more than_ that _could there even be!?_

 _Herrera sensed her discomfort: – If you’re not up for this, we can always do it later. – Even in her general confusion, one thing was crystal clear in the Captain’s mind: she wanted to know more, she_ needed _to. When she shook her head, signalling Andy to keep going, the other Firefighter was resistant, but fulfilled Maya’s wishes anyway. – The belt Maryanne was wearing was fake._

 _– She was walking around with a_ fake bomb _strapped to her chest!? – The Captain recognised that she was barely able to keep up, but this new piece of information certainly made no sense. When Andy nodded, she almost lost it. – WHY!?_

_The Latina sat straighter, shifting in the direction of her friend to give her some peace: – I hate what I’m about to say too, but you seriously need to calm down, Maya: this nervous agitation is bad for you right now._

_Bishop understood: the calm surroundings were contributing to making her hectic mind more and more uneasy, but she had to appear in control, firm and composed, or otherwise Andy wouldn’t keep on telling her every development she had uncovered. She needed to become her father now, put her objective above everything else, circle back to the bad, unhealthy habit of “_ eyes forward” _: – No I’m okay; please, go on._

_Andy was almost positive she wasn’t doing her friend any good by bombarding her with so much new information, but the determination in Maya’s eyes pleaded with her to just keep going, at least for a little bit longer: – Doctor Shepherd said that she saw that woman holding some sort of remote control... So the bomb could have been triggered with that._

_Bishop shook her head with strong conviction: – Yeah, no. Carina had talked her down: she was_ calm _, she wasn’t going to blow_ anything _up._

_Andy took her hands, trying desperately to meet those lost blue eyes: – We don’t know th-_

_– I DO KNOW! – Maya jumped to her feet, restless, arms flying in every direction trying to emphasize her maddened words. – I was there when it all came down on our heads, and so were_ you _! You_ heard _them!_

_– Okay, that’s it. – Andy moved to her feet too, taking in the people that started gathering around, called by the noises. She concentrated back on her manic best friend, and extended both arms in her direction: even when breaking down, Maya needed to be in control, therefore any attempt of approach had to come from her. Andy had learned that a long time ago, the hard way. – Maya, you either relax or I’m getting someone to sedate you._

_The stubborn Captain slapped the helping hands away, turning around and starting hobbling in circles: – I just don’t understand: I was there and that woman had calmed down. – She kept limping, three steps forward and four back, catching the attention of more and more medical personnel. – S_ _he was_ done: _i_ _t makes no sense that Maryanne blew something up._

_– I know, especially if it wasn’t near us. – Andy signalled the others to stay back: maybe honesty this time around hadn’t been the wisest choice, but she knew how Maya functioned, and she was going to be the one who talked her away from the perilous spiral she was approaching. When she failed to catch her Captain’s fleeting gaze, she started worrying. – Maya? You seem pale, are you okay?_

_The blonde looked right through Andy and brought a shaky hand to the cut on her forehead: it was bleeding: – No, uhm… not really, my head’s spinning and-_

_Before she could really finish her sentence, she dropped to the floor, only to be caught just in time by Andy’s debilitated arms that avoided her the impact with the hard floor. The army of Nurses that was theoretically witnessing the exchange from afar - but in reality listening closely and greedily to every last bit of detail - rushed by their side and assessed the situation._

_One of the last things Maya remembered, was the warm feeling of being taken care of, and the strange sense of second-hand concern, - she’d even push herself as far as to dare call it anxiety - that overwhelmed her in strong waves._

_She didn’t know if it came from Andy or even from herself, but it wasn’t strong enough to suffocate the other: the tender sweetness, the reassuring kindness that lulled her into darkness. A graciousness so radiant, so vibrant, that left her feeling as if it was almost making sure the travel towards the unknown destination was pleasant and comfortable enough in case of no return._

* * *

**_ · PRESENT DAY  _ ** ** _·_ **

– Oh man! – Vic struggled to get past all the medical personnel that moved fast on the ICU floor. Jack and Travis were so close behind her she almost felt their breaths on her neck, and she couldn’t manage to hide the regretful sigh that escaped her lips when, after shooting a quick glance inside the now-familiar room, she found her view blocked by thick, green curtains. – We missed her. – She threw her hands in the air and turned to her best friend. – It’s your fault, Montgomery!

The firefighter opened his slender eyes in surprise: – Hey, how is it my fault?!

– If you hadn’t stopped downstairs to have that _awkward_ conversation with _Thursday_ …

Jack laughed loudly: – _Thursday_? What kind of name even is _Thursday_?

– Oh no, not a name, Jack. – Vic elbowed an increasingly red Travis, shaking her head. – Just the day they hooked up: Montgomery was _so_ wasted he doesn’t even remember that poor, handsome man’s name. 

– Oh God… _he is_ handsome. – Travis day-dreamed with his open eyes at the memory. – _Very_ handsome and with an extremely symmetric bone structure, and he’s sweet, and kind, and really goo-

– Okay let me stop you there. – Jack was still sporting a big grin on his lips. – Need I remind you we’re in a _Hospital_ looking for _our_ _Captain_?

Travis shook his head, trying to ignore his friend’s snarky comments: – Bishop’s not here, though. Do you think something happened to Carina?

Vic had just started moving around to better observe her surroundings when her eyes fell on her own Captain hugging Doctor Wilson. She would be lying if she said that her heart didn’t stop, for a brief second, just to restart at the same speed moments later, but still leaving a weird, hunting sensation in her stomach. _What the hell had happened? Was Carina okay?_

– Oh God. – She turned to her friends who had both followed her gaze and were looking at the same scene with puzzled expressions. Travis turned his eyes on her, and was surprised by the amount of horror that was raging on her features. – Are Jo and Maya a _thing_ now?

The two men gulped, but pushed theirs - and Vic’s - attention back to the semi-hidden trio in the far left corner of the hall. The hug was still going strong, but when they saw Ben’s head appear behind the two embracing figures, and one of his hands reach Maya’s shoulder while the other signalled the Firefighters to join him, they all took a deep breath of relief. Vic’s anxiety immediately settled: – Good, his gaze is concerned, but at a reasonable level. It’s nothing major like: _“my Captain is having an affair with her comatose girlfriend’s Doctor”;_ or _“Carina died and Maya will never_ \- ever - _be the same again and end up wasting away in self-inflicted toxic behaviours”._

– Vic! – Both Jack and Montgomery almost screamed at her angrily.

The woman raised her eyebrows in surprise: – Oh shit, did I said that out loud?

– Yes! _All_ of it. – Travis shot her and unforgiving glare. – It was an incredibly shitty thing to say, by the way.

– Yeah. – Jack intervened. – There’s no way Maya would _ever_ cheat on Carina again.

– No, dude! – Travis punched him in the stomach, gaining an offended look. – I was talking about the part where Vic predicted our Captain’s tragic death by slow and painful suicide!

Hughes rolled her eyes and started walking towards her roommate, even if Maya was showing them her back, probably already working on regaining her composure.

Doctor Wilson moved in their direction, meeting them halfway ans taking their attention away from the blonde: – Carina woke up earlier. – Jo started with a wide smile. – Now she’s sleeping again, and Maya took it a little hard.

Vic didn’t say anything, preoccupied her overly honest mouth could betray her again, this time right in front of an estimated Surgeon. Jack didn’t share her sentiment, though: – Does she have any reason to be worried?

Jo’s smile grew at his genuine interest: – It doesn’t look like she should, but we can’t say for sure.

Travis moved to the side, alerting everyone of an approaching presence: – Hey Cap. – He tilted his head, taking in the contrast between Maya’s compulsory posture and her distraught gaze. – We brought you a change of clothes.

The blonde forced a smile: – Thank you. – She cleared her voice, looking at everyone present. – I feel like we’re so close to the end, it could slip away from me at any second.

– It’s okay, Maya, we understand. – Vic extended her arm to give Bishop the bag with the more comfortable attire. – Plus, dressed like that _everyone_ would be a little upside down.

A light giggle rose from the group, and Maya found herself thinking that she was lucky, because she had people who would stand by her side no matter what.

And when a Nurse exited Carina’s room and started calling Doctor Wilson with what seemed like a laboured insistence, she felt like they were the only thing that could pull her out of the possible darkness that was coming, help her put her pieces together.

* * *

**_ · BOMB DAY, 48 HOURS LATER  _ ** ** _·_ **

_Dean slowly walked out of the room, pulling the door behind him: both women inside were sleeping soundly and he would have felt too much like a rude intruder if he had stayed any longer. Plus there was no way to predict when or why Pru was going to start fussing. Almost as if on cue, the baby between his arms whined, starting to kick impatiently and looking around full of curiosity._

_– See? – He tilted his head in her direction, gently squeezing his daughter’s soft cheek and making her smile. – This is another lesson for today: don’t linger inside a room full of sleeping people; not only it is impolite, it’s also very creepy._

_– It might be a little bit too early for life-changing lectures, don’t you think?_

_He turned in the direction of the voice, meeting the fervent woman to whom it belonged, and finding her standing in front of them. His mind immediately went back to the devastated hall and to when that very same woman furiously attacked Doctor Hayes: – Nah, it’s never too early to pass on some kindness._

_Pru laughed, mumbling meaningless noises, and a couple of bubbles left her lips. The woman’s expression softened and she reached behind the corner to pull out a couple of soft tissues from the dispenser: – I’m Doctor Amelia Shepherd, Carina’s friend. – She passed him the tissues and observed while he lovingly cleaned his daughter’s chin. – You must be Dean Miller, right?_

_He nodded, offering his free hand as a sign of respect; the Neurosurgeon grabbed it firmly, leaving Dean to think that she had an impressively good handshake: – Yeah, I remember you, nice to formally meet you; this is my daughter Pru._

_Amelia smiled at the baby and then turned a darker shade of pink, digging her hands in the deep back pockets of her jeans: – I hope you don’t only remember me for my embarrassing and kind of violent meltdown two days ago?_

_The man laughed loudly, Pru jumping slightly as his chest shook: – Don’t worry, I believe we crossed paths downstairs at least once before all of that. – His usually harsh judgment, - the same one that always asked that everyone was held at a higher standard - for some reason never kicked in to condemn the irrational reaction. He felt for the Doctor, almost understanding why she acted the way she did. Moreover, she really looked repentant, and he was nobody to say that he wouldn’t have reacted in the same exact way. His smile grew and he looked at her reassuringly. – And I’m pretty sure I’ve asked your sister out while she was still with Jackson, so no worries: I was the one who embarrassed himself first._

_Amelia nodded, grateful that at least one person in that Hospital wasn’t looking at her as the “_ crazy lady _”._

_Pretty soon after all of them had been checked out, but before having to operate on Carina, she had apologized to Cormac. He was understanding and confessed that he himself felt battled for his choices, because maybe staying would have made the difference in Carina’s fate._

_All of that was pointless though, because the entirety of_ Grey Sloan _still looked at her oddly, and fell silent every time she entered a room. The youngest Shepherd - and everyone else for that matter - now knew that nothing could have made the difference that day, but guilt works in unfair ways. She had nothing to do directly with the explosion, and yet she couldn’t help herself to feel responsible for her best friend getting injured. Not to mention the fact that Carina hadn’t improved much since the surgeries, one of them conducted by no one other than the Neurosurgeon herself._

_– How are they doing, Doc? – Amelia jumped slightly in surprise, having forgotten that Dean was still there by her side. – The Team has been here in shifts since Maya collapsed yesterday morning while talking to Andy. – He took a short pause, remembering the state of panic his Lieutenant was in when she called the Station to alert them. – But none of those two in there has moved a single muscle yet: should we be worried?_

_Amelia smiled, looking at the almost entirely closed door in front of her. She had to talk Bailey into letting her move Carina to the_ VIP ICU _. Yes, it was still part of the same_ Hospital _, and yes it would have still sucked, but it was quieter there and would have most definitely lost that sense of sombre sadness that characterized the_ regular ICU _. Not to mention that it would allow the_ Station 19 Family _to move around with more freedom and tranquillity: – Maya was dehydrated and tired, the sight of blood probably shocked her and she passed out. – Amelia shook her head, this was the easy part of the report. – She should be waking up right around this time, we gave her some sedatives and something to help her sleep more peacefully. – She sighed loudly, thinking that it was time to face her demons. – Carina is a massive question mark: she’s in a medically induced coma, her injuries are extensive and we still don’t know how it will all pan out. It would be premature to say anything, but she won’t be waking up anytime soon, that’s for sure._

_A little bulb positioned over the door jamb of Maya and Carina’s room lit up intermittently, catching their attention immediately. Dean was the first to move, entering slowly the room while the Neurosurgeon moved to the Nurse station to get some equipment._

_– Wow, I call for a nurse and I get my favourite human. – Maya smirked when she saw Miller shake his head. – Oh, and look at that: there’s also her personal mean of transport with her._

_Miller laughed loudly: – God, you are_ still _unrepentant. – He said while placing his daughter between Maya’s open arms._

_– Did you hear that, Pru? – Bishop sat straighter, the baby wobbling unsteadily on her lap smiled proudly. – Your dad thinks he can confuse me with big words just because I hit my head. Spoiler alert, girls start talking way long before boys, so you’ll help me deal with him soon enough, right?_

_She playfully tickled the girl and listened to her hiccup laughter; the smile on Dean’s face transferred on the pink lips of the blonde while they both studied every surprised frown change on Pru’s curious features. It was such a peaceful, rosy picture, that Amelia almost felt guilty to interrupt, especially since the Captain appeared not only joyful, but also carefree. It seemed like she hadn’t woken up enough yet to remember that her girlfriend had been the protagonist of a terrible accident and was in a coma. She sighed and then joined them completely, making herself known to the occupants of the room: – I thought you hated kids._

_Maya lifted her gaze, looking directly into Amelia’s emerald eyes: – Oh no, until they’re not mine I’m not terrorized by tiny humans. – Pru fell, ending up seated on Maya’s lap and giggling maniacally. – See? I’m the cool aunt._

_Amelia laughed loudly, perfectly aware of the panicking fear of parenting she herself had before her son was born. Actually, she was still terrified, but a single look at him and it all seemed worth it._

_Dean’s voice called her back to reality: – How are you feeling Cap?_

_The blonde smirked knowingly: – One thing’s for sure, I’m not tired anymore._

_Everyone laughed and Maya’s eyes moved around the room languidly, passing from Pru’s happy face to Dean’s smiling one, and finally reaching Amelia’s sympathetic glare._

_But she made the mistake of letting her blue pools linger a while longer, and that’s when they fell on the other bed._

_An occupied bed._

_A Hospital bed taken by her unconscious, intubated girlfriend._

_Her brain stuttered for a minute, as her eyes took in more than she expected: every part of her went on pause while her thoughts caught up. A wash of gelid water overwhelmed her, as if the impact had knocked every wisp of air from her lungs, and she laid there struggling to inhale, to exhale, to do_ anything _. It was a far too familiar sensation, the same feeling that hunted her before she fell asleep: she was stuck, unsuccessfully trying to remember how to breathe, unable to speak and totally stunned, as confused memories bounced around inside her skull._

_Amelia stepped forward, away from the shadows, and placed one hand on the Captain’s shoulder: – It'll be okay, Maya, it will. – Dean’s smile disappeared, and almost as if she felt the shift in the collective sentiment, Pru snuggled closer to Maya’s chest, nearly demanding to be cuddled. – She just needs time._

_Maya nodded, her sad features betraying her hollow heart: – I know, I’d just forgotten for a second. – She breathed in deeply, almost suddenly aware that every single part of her body ached desperately,_ especially _her head. – No updates?_

_Amelia sat on one of the chairs beside Dean, placing the equipment in her lap and opting to check on the Captain later: – Not in regards to Carina’s condition, no._

_– We know more about the attack, though, if you want? – Miller offered hopeful, trying to take his friend’s mind off of bad thoughts. He could clearly see Maya’s yearning gaze slipping along her girlfriend’s still body, feel the sorrow that was hunting her._

_– Yes, please… – The blonde whispered, her indexes squeezed between Pru’s little hands: she nuzzled the baby and listened to her fine giggle. Maya could already feel her head being more levelled, her thoughts coherent and all the memories of that damned day clear in her mind. She was ready to know the truth now, all of it. – Andy tried to explain earlier, but she seemed more confused than I was._

_– That was yesterday. – Dean answered readily, observing his friend’s mouth turn into the shape of an o, surprise evident on Maya’s face. – Anyway, the investigation is concluded and arrests have been made._

_The Captain’s eyebrows moved up towards the ceiling, while her ocean eyes jumped from one of her friend’s to the other: – Already?_

_– Yes. – Amelia intervened rearranging her posture. – Maryanne Johnson had_ nothing _to do with the explosion. – She thought back at the previous day, when Robert had indecisively walked inside Link’s office and told them the whole story. “_ I don’t want you to hear it from the news _”, he said. – It was her husband._

 _Maya laughed:_ hadn’t someone told her the woman claimed to want to find her wife? _When no one else moved a facial muscle, she sat straighter and asked the hard question, her tone more amazed, than concerned: – Her husband?_

_Dean nodded: – It turned out that Carina knew the couple, they had had a consult with her._

_After seeing how confusedly shocked Maya was, Amelia decided to clarify a little: – It was something like three months ago, she told me about this couple panicking because Swanson had suggested a C-section. Once Carina examined the wife though, she discouraged having the caesarean, because it was too soon to say for sure that it was necessary, between other things. – The Neurosurgeon’s gaze drifted off, away from Maya and the drowsy baby between the Captain’s arms, and landed on her best friend's body. – I honestly don’t know if Carina recognised her the other day, but if she did, she never mentioned it. – Her emerald eyes went back to Maya, running along the line of the intravenous drip that made sure to keep her hydrated through the night. – Maryanne didn’t only have PTSD, she also suffered from short term memory loss, which is why she didn’t realize who Carina was. And the autopsy revealed she had a TBI that induced various series of small seizures, that wern't life-threatening and easily manageable with medications. But the report revealed that she had no traces of those drugs in her blood; so the seizures could have incapacitated her for short periods of time, and that’s probably the reason why she didn’t come in immediately when her contractions started._

_Dean could see every last one of the Neurosurgeon’s words sink in - slowly but persistently - inside Maya’s incredulous features. If he knew his Captain well - and for the record, he did - Bishop’s mind was already running meticulously over every aspect of what Amelia had just told her, trying to understand what went wrong with a couple that couldn’t handle the pain of losing a son, and took it out on the World._

_Maya Bishop’s personal World._

_He sighed, and decided to relive Amelia from the heaviness of the rest of the story: – Both her explosive belt and her remote were fake all along. The mastermind of it all, the real threat, was the husband, Lewis Johnson: Maryanne was nothing more than a staged puppy, a mere distraction. – Seeing Maya’s arms starting to tiredly twitch a little, he freed her from the weight of his sleeping daughter, rocking her gently. – Maryanne and her_ “bomb” _sent_ Grey Sloan _in a full state of panic, emptying the structure as per plan. The part where she trapped Carina inside, was collateral damage: she didn’t know who your girlfriend was, she didn’t recognise her. – He took the pacifier from its sterile box and gave it to Pru, smiling because to him, she was_ the _most important thing in his world. – Meanwhile, Lewis Johnson was upstairs planting the real explosives: the plan was to take revenge on the_ entire _Hospital once they reopened after arresting Maryanne. – Dean was no lawyer, but he knew that despite her race, Maryanne would have probably gotten off the hook pretty easily considering the extenuating circumstances, if she had a decent counselor. – But when he saw that his wife was rekindling with Carina, the same OBGYN that had convinced them to not have the C-section, the one that_ effectively _killed his son, he lost it. – He lifted his shoulders because his fiery judgment had no mercy on Mr. Johnson: he was a vile, sleazy coward that deserved nothing but what was coming towards him. – He wanted revenge at all costs, even at the expenses of his own wife._

_– So she’s a victim too. – Maya concluded. It was a hard truth, a hurtful one, but it still devastated her, especially because of all its implications. – And she died in so much pain, still thinking her son would never get justice. – She scoffed at the cruel irony of the Universe. – This is so unfairly sad._

_– No. – Amelia moved forward, her hands still rubbing together and her eyes a lighter shade of green due to the tears that were filling them. – It’s straight-up crappy._

_The room fell into stunned silence, while everyone got lost inside their own thoughts. Maya found herself navigating her options. There wasn’t much left for her to do: she could either burn in her own furious anger, or she could get on with her life and concentrate on Carina, focus on what really mattered._

_She wasn’t raised in love and peace, wasn’t taught to show grace and forgive, rather to always keep in mind that the World was unfair, and she had to take what was hers with her sole strength, give back just as bad as she had received it._ “Eye for an eye is the only way when you've been wronged” _, her stoic father always said, “_ Hate will make you thrive and reach the unreachable _”._ _And said like that, it might have seemed like his father proclaimed violence, but it wasn’t a proactive type of hate, the one he preached; rather it was the silent kind, the one that fuelled her inside and suffocated her._

 _But when her mind turned to Maryanne Johnson, none of it was there: even if the woman_ _somehow_ _had_ _to know something of what she was doing, of the_ pain _she was inevitably going to provoke, in Maya's tired eyes she was as much a victim as Carina._

_And of course, it went without question, Maya was suffering, yearning for her girlfriend to be okay, even better Maya hoped Carina had never gone to work in the first place that day._

_She struggled, but she had to keep the hate away, because she didn’t want to do as she used to, and drink her rage like fine wine, becoming intoxicated on its power._

_She didn’t want to reduce everything she felt to bitterness, to a fury so fierce that with each passing second, would grow inside her like deadly cancer. A tumour so vicious it pushed away the side of her that was funny and serene, joyful and kind, enveloping all that she was in the toxic type of darkness that would end up suffocating her._

_And Maya had first-hand experience with how deeply the chaos of that kind of corruption could cut, and how it unapologetically drove everyone away._

_But she had also been witness to how much healing forgiveness could be, how much good could come from it, whether you were on the giving or the receiving side of it._

_Granted she had been the receiving party, more times than she could remember - especially lately with Carina forgiving her cheating, and Andy pacifying with her after she had passed her in the promotion run._

_It was time Maya started to be the other party of the bargain._

_Through forgiveness, she could come to know the depths of her own humanity._

_The contempt she felt towards the Johnsons would never serve her as to nothing more than exhaustion: and she was already tired enough._

_She wanted all of it gone, it had to melt away like snow under the warm winter sun, because if bathed in that sunlight, her heart could beat anew, feel kind again._

_Forgiveness is a softness of spirit, a gentle nature, an openness of the soul that fills you with humility; and the Captain wanted to be the warmth in the cold, and not the perpetuation of freezing isolation._

_Lewis Johnson could rot in prison for the rest of his sorry life for all she cared, she would never dignify him with another - even fleeting - thought, deciding right there and then to do everything in her power to restore Maryanne's decency and the artlessness of her cleared name._

_At least in honour of her innocent son._

_In this way of being, Maya could already feel her mind being freer, her soul lighter and her heart stronger._

_And that’s what she wanted Carina to wake up to: a person full of kindness, love and warmth._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long, and I know this chapter is kind of nothing more than a passage chapter, but I would really like to know what you think!  
> Thank you for reading and bombard the comment section!  
> Stay alive, friends!


	14. To fall and to be sure to be caught.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there it was again, that heartfelt, loving voice; only this time it was more desperate, frantic and distressed, nonetheless leaving that warmth, that love that called to her, implored her to reach it. And she could spend all her energies dilapidated, consecrated to the art of aimlessly following that warmness.  
> Or she could sit on the ground and watch it go by, preferring to give in into the darkness, and maybe find that something more that she knew was there. And so that’s what she did, the voice getting quieter by the second, and feeling like she was falling freely towards something greater.  
> But what Carina wasn’t realizing, is that something out of nothing, still amounts to nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go with the final chapter,  
> please leave a comment!

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_Her thoughts were scattered around her like dandelion’s seeds. That’s what they felt like. Hapless flowers, victim of the fury of a wind that didn’t seem willing to cease._

_Carina assumed that at some point, they had parachuted compulsively in the air, and then landed far from her. Just out of reach._

_A storm was raging around her, the sky was engulfed in numerous shades of grey, consumed in white and black as if the sun had given up on trying to break through an iron curtain of clouds that had become her reality._ _A confusing state of raging storms, that's what she felt._ _That was her reality._

_And that noise; so angry and persistent: a loud, unexpected roar that kept repeating itself, over and over, and over, and over again._

_And just as thick fog in a once clear and sunny day conceals the landscape, her vision was cloaked. All she was left able to do now was_ feeling _._

_She perceived everything around her so clearly, so fundamentally, felt the avid air slowly escape from her lungs, the increasingly high-pitched ringing in her ears deafen her, the little grains of dust settle slowly on her face, heavy as mountains._

_But that was it, that’s all she felt: each sensation impressed on her innards was content to just lounge out behind her eyes, instead of physically torment her: they were all simple manifestations of ethereal states of consciousness._

_Her body -_ just wasn’t there _._

 _And the worst part of it all, was that Carina was painfully aware of that: she knew something wasn’t right, she knew that she wasn’t connecting all the dots, because - somehow - she was_ there _but really - she wasn’t._ _She was nothing more than just a cluster of sensations, nothing but a perfect cohesion of thoughts and urges._ _She knew she was somewhat present, but she felt like a foreign entity, stuck beneath the weight of all her sorrows, bound to perish in a matter-less dimension of perpetual doom._

_As soon as the realisation sank in, a surge of painful panic surrounded her._ _Like an ocean slave to the force of a full Moon, she felt the water drown her, creeping higher, and higher, and higher, until it filled her lungs, and crushed her soul._ _Panic didn’t belong to her, it scared her, and it made her so infuriatingly mad, that it precluded her from remembering who she was and why she felt the way she was feeling._

_It was gut-wrenching, numbing, terrifying… devastating._

_There was_ nothing _left._

_It was absolute; and her mind was broken._

_But in the darkness of her silence, a string of known words made its way to her ringing ears._

_Was someone calling her name? Why wasn’t she able to understand, to respond, to scream that under all that pain and darkness, she was there too?_

_There was a hurricane inside her, and she knew that even if she could have managed to somehow start talking, her words would get crowded together, and she wouldn’t have enough time to say everything she needed to._

_And why couldn’t she make out clearly what the voice was saying, anyway?_

_Fear curled up inside her and clung to her ribs, settling uncomfortably in her chest: what if she ended up not managing to answer?_

_Pure terror surged through her veins in icy daggers that battled each other to be the first to get straight to her heart. And with every stab to the involuntary muscle, her vision glided away from the shapeless nothingness that had trapped her up to that point, almost as if she was only now realizing that she was a person._

Come la luna _, she kept hearing someone say._

_But what did that mean? Why did it warm her chest and made her feel like she belonged?_

_There was something she_ needed _to remember, she knew that: but_ everything _felt so far away._

Come la luna.

_It didn’t matter if it comforted her, it didn’t matter that the voice speaking was the reason for the shock of life that urged through her being, the sensation that pushed her to keep fighting, the desperate scream that was calling to her will of resilience._

_It didn’t matter, because she didn’t remember_ any _of it._

_And that’s when it sunk in: there was no guarantee she’d see tomorrow._

_It just seemed easier to simply cave in._

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**_ · PRESENT DAY  _ ** ** _·_ **

Maya exited Carina’s room, coming out wearing clothes that finally made her feel a little bit more at ease: her girlfriend was still dreaming safely and soundly, and she finally felt like she didn’t have much to be terrorized of. After an earlier examination, Jo told her that this kind of sleep was the one that would let Carina rest, the one that would recharge her for real.

Everyone else had left earlier, promising to come back once the Italian was up for visitors: _“Tell Carina her big, fat, noisy 19 family will be here until she won’t stand us anymore”,_ Vic had announced just before waltzing out of the ICU with both Jack and Travis attached to each of her arms.

The hall had quieted down, Maya’s mind had finally stopped running around in circles, and she honestly couldn’t wait to be alone to finally assess for real what had happened; what was still happening. She longed for the opportunity of getting lost inside a mind whose exclusive purpose wasn’t presenting only catastrophic outcomes anymore. 

She was about to close her eyes and do just that, when she noticed the figure of a woman lurking and lingering in the shadows, wandering uncomfortably in what she must have believed to be the farthest and most hidden corner of the _VIP_ _ICU_ , - an open space.

The Captain felt her heart sink: Amelia Shepherd was scared to even walk around her own Hospital. 

And it was all Maya’s fault.

She breathed-in deeply, and thought back at how little it took for her unforgiving fury to overwhelm her and push her to crush the Neurosurgeon with almost no remorse. 

At least not in the moment.

Soon after abandoning Amelia in a cold and empty room though, while Maya was impatiently waiting for an update from Koracick on Carina’s emergency surgery, a battle had slowly started advancing inside her, two virtually opposite factions fighting each other in order to give meaning to all the pain she had just caused. After all, the way Maya had bitten Amelia’s head off was yes perfectly in character, but it also made no logical sense at the same time.

That day, the Captain pushed her guilt away, preferring to concentrate on getting eaten by her own worry, rather than directly confront the demons of her cruelty. But it was only a temporary fix, and that hunting feeling of having just destroyed someone else, never entirely left her, persecuting her day after day. And now it was finally too much.

At the funeral, when Andy had approached her to ask why Amelia wouldn’t join them but rather stayed afar, protectively engulfed in Link’s embrace, Maya had flooded her with rivers of confused words, explaining how enraged she was with the Doctor and how unforgivable what Amelia had done was. Andy had shaken her head: _“This behaviour is so typical of the old Maya.”_ She had said almost disappointed. _“Where is all the progress you’ve made these last few months? You were frustrated and terrified, and I get that; I get that in your eyes, when Amelia offered you an opening you_ had _to take it, because it was the safest road for you, to simply lose it and destroy everyone around you instead of facing reality. But this is nothing more than a basic case of shooting the messenger, Maya. Yes, what she did was hardly fair, but your rage, your_ fury, _is not directed towards her. And I could even say that your outburst was okay, if you had simply gotten mad, screamed and broken things. I could have understood and justified your reaction up until the part where you shamed Amelia for her addiction and her sobriety. That was low and it’s on_ you _: you’re the one who should be ashamed.”_

Maya had stayed silent for the rest of the ceremony, too much pain and guilt were rushing through her veins to let her make sense of her surroundings and the black-dressed people that tried talking to her. Before Carina’s code blue, Maya and Amelia had decided to organize Maryanne and Alexander’s services, choosing to honour the word the OBGYN had given to the grieving Veteran. Yes, it had been a hard choice, and an even harder task, and yes, Maya could barely remember how the two of them had reached the brilliant conclusion that arranging such a function for the woman that had contributed to almost destroy both their lives would have been a good idea, but she was glad they did it. It brought her peace in an almost poetic way, it was the highest form of forgiveness and understanding, as if she had reached full circle, almost like a reverse _Dantesque retaliation_ used for the greater good.

And it had also brought Maya and Amelia closer - that is until the Fire Captain had decided to annihilate the Neurosurgeon, foolishly thinking that it was going to give her some sort of relief from all that discomfort she felt crushing her heart. Logically, it didn’t work: you can’t fight hate with hate.

But if she thought back to the stillness in Amelia’s body when the monitor had started beeping uncontrollably, she could still feel the rage bubble inside. The only reason she was even mad at Amelia in the first place, was her willingness to stand by and _watch_ Carina drift away. And sure, she could have called her out for that, it was in her preview, but there was no need for the cruelty she had unleashed. Maya didn’t care if Amelia was a recovering addict, it didn’t matter to her, not in the slightest. But she was weak and in pain, so she did the only thing cowards do: she went after the most vulnerable part of the Neurosurgeon, the one she knew would make Amelia feel at least half the soreness she was experiencing, and maybe even let Maya catch a second of relief to breathe.

It didn’t. The pain just kept on lingering around and the guilt grew.

After all, Maya wasn’t stupid, rationally she knew that her anger wasn’t directed towards her friend for not intervening, nor to her girlfriend for neglecting to letting her know of the DNR's existence, nor Lewis Johnson for blowing everything up. She knew perfectly well that it ran deeper, that it fed on her impotence, the same intense sense of futility that was gripping her guts since the moment her heavy boots had landed on the solid soil of the _Grey Sloan’s_ parking lot two weeks before.

She had failed to save Carina.

After that, it all unravelled consequentially.

She took a deep breath and shook her head, her cerulean orbs carefully scanning the hall, pensive. If she stopped for too long to overthink the whole situation, - her pitiful reaction and her vicious words, - she knew she’d fall victim of her burning insecurities, her freezing rage, and end up devolving into a resentful monster who kept everyone at arm’s length.

And honestly, she didn’t want to be that: if she wasn’t going to be a bitter, rancorous bitch to the real person who almost killed Carina - if she could forgive _him_ that easily - she surely wouldn’t hold a grudge against a friend, someone good, someone that was essentially just following orders. That is, if the Doctor was willing to forgive _her_.

She lifted her head, her blue eyes falling on a melancholic Amelia scratching her head, clearly unsure of what she could do, unsure she even had _any ri_ _ght_ to even be there.

On her part, the Neurosurgeon found herself noticing that Maya seemed less on edge, clear sign of more good news. She was getting all the updates on Carina’s health from Teddy and Maggie, staying informed from a safe distance, one that was secure for her and wouldn’t upset anyone. She could keep on operating like this, - she told herself numerus times - being an innocent bystander from afar, and maybe this nostalgic lingering could be enough for her, maybe she didn’t have to _see_ Carina to know that she was okay. Even if she missed her.

She was about to turn on her hills and get back to her son to collect some more serotonin for the rest of the day, when she saw Maya’s hand timidly wave: she almost couldn’t believe that after a couple of blinks, that almost imperceptible tremor of fingers was still inviting her to get closer.

So she finally made up her mind that she wasn’t dreaming at all, and walked slowly towards the blonde that was already standing up: – I owe you an apology. – Maya said immediately, an uncharacteristically shy smile igniting her features. – A pretty big one, to be honest. – Amelia didn’t speak; not because she was paralyzed in her silence like the last times she had talked to the Captain, but simply because she was decided to listen to what Maya had to say. – I had no right to say all those _awful_ things about you and your sobriety, no right; accuse you of not caring when the only thing you’ve ever done is being invested in Carina and her recovery, from the first night.

– You were right, though. – Amelia could see the confusion run through the Captain’s body. – I mean, I don’t condone all the things you said about me and I confess, they hurt, but you were right: I had given up on Carina. – She shrugged her shoulders in a deterred manner, moving towards the uncomfortable chairs placed against the wall, and waited for Maya to sit beside her. – I just took the DNR for definitive and never stopped to think that maybe Carina didn’t want it anymore, that maybe the circumstances, her _life_ now, were drastically different from seven years ago. Or that it doesn’t track at all with everything she is and believes in. – Her mind drifted back to that day, the insolent beeping of the machines, Maya’s hurtful words and what set it all in motion. In the past few days, she hadn’t been able to do anything but going back and forth over everything that had happened, questioning her own choices and knowing that she carried part of the blame. – I also had no right to keep the existence of that DNR from you for that long. I just…

– It’s okay. – Maya interrupted, clearly trying to reach for Amelia’s hands, but ending up withdrawing into her own lap: she had no right to try and comfort the other woman. She knew that. – You were just following protocol, you don’t have to justify your choices to me.

– But I do, I need to justify them because I wasn’t really following anything but my own insecurities. – It was Amelia the one to offer comfort this time, a hand on Maya’s knee and an encouraging smile on her lips. – You’re Carina’s girlfriend and you had _every right_ to know about the DNR. It’s just… between Andrew struggling to adjust to his medications and being barely present, and the stress _you_ were under already, I wanted to keep you away from such a hard truth for as long as possible. – She shook her head feeling her eyes fill with tears. – Hell, what I _really_ wanted, was to never have to tell you.

Maya’s eyebrows twitched, still not understanding where Amelia intended to go: – Why, though?

– To spare you of what _I_ was feeling after knowing? To avoid _you_ that sense of impotence, of surrender that it gave me? I’m not sure… – She shook her head again and forced her green eyes to embrace the blue ones that were staring at her intensely. – I told the other Doctors that I wanted to be the one to tell you, “ _because we’re friends”,_ I said; but honestly, I think the DNR really was final to me, and telling you would only mean adding to the pile of shit you were already navigating, because I felt there was nothing left for us to do but abandon everything in the hands of Fate. – She let go of the air she only now realized was held hostage in her lungs. A Prayer came to her mind, and she knew she had to include it in her explanation if she wanted to really make sense of what she'd done. – _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference._

Maya whimpered, she wasn’t exactly a woman of God, but she recognised that one: – That’s the _Serenity Prayer,_ right? The one addicts use for their recovery?

Amelia nodded, glad the blonde recognised it on her own: – It’s what kept going through my mind every time I thought I had to tell you. Carina’s situation fell in the category that needed to be accepted, and the fact that I couldn’t tell you about the DNR, means I didn’t accept it at all; but at the same time, I didn’t have the courage to do something to change it because - since it would go against her wishes - I couldn't fight the order. I now realize that you and Andrew could have tried to overturn the order earlier, if only you knew about it.

Maya wiped her tears away, unmistakebly knowing now what she deep down had known all along: that had operated in good conscience: – All that doesn’t matter though. – She said with a bitter smile. – The delay in letting me know about the DNR could justify me holding a grudge against you, and _maybe_ never speak to you again, but not what I said. _Never,_ what I said. – All this felt so futile to the Firefighter: Carina was okay, she was awake, she was _here to stay_. So why were they reminiscing on ancient history? It was water under the bridge, right? Wrong. The fact that Carina was awake and the situation had taken a turn int the right direction, didn’t mean that Maya could go around wrecking others because of her insecurities, and then just forget about it when her pain lessened. – I hope you will find it in you to forgive me some day.

Amelia simply smiled: it would take time. As she was sure would take time for Maya to get the image of Amelia doing nothing in front of Carina’s dying body, out of her head; to not see that scene over and over every time they met.

But there was no reason for them to not be civil with each other. They said their sorry, it really was up to time now, to do the healing.

༄⫷⋇⍒〄❂〄⍋⋇⫸༄

_Healing and darkness must be friends, Carina found herself thinking._ _She never was one to dismiss darkness as the mere absence of light, but right this moment, that’s all it was to her._

_She could feel her hand being squeezed by the same warmth that had called her not too long ago._

“Come on, baby, just open your eyes…”

_But she didn’t really know how to react to that: she liked it here. It was unbelievably calming, and Poise and Wonder were all she could feel in that light-less dimension; and most important of all, she wasn’t scared. Not even in the slightest._

_Obviously, when she was little, she was helplessly afraid of the dark, especially when she spent the night alone at home because her_ papà _had to stay at the Hospital until late. So to fight her fear, she would sneak out of bed and turn all the lights of the house on, except the one in her bedroom, where she would sleep like nothing had happened. But she always got in trouble for that, which ultimately left her with no valid solutions, and a crippling fear always present in her chest when bedtime came._

 _Until the year she started staying at her_ nonni _’s house, a small cabin-like home placed right in front of the sea, where she learned not only to embrace the darkness, but to also understand it, to respect it._

 _Whenever she wouldn’t want to turn the lights off and go to sleep, her_ nonno _would smile fondly, take her by the hand and bring her outside on the beach, toes dipping into the Mediterranean sea and noses into the starry sky. He explained the importance of the night, and how the darkness allowed the people of the sea, travellers and fishermen like him, to see the stars and orient._ _“_ Senza il buio non si vedrebbero le stelle” _, he used to say, “_ E io non saprei come tornare a casa” _._ \- Without darkness stars can’t be seen, and I wouldn’t know how to come home. - _That’s when she started to comprehend and respect the dark, because it showcased great wonders, ones that were usually not visible during day light._

 _That’s probably part of the reason why she doesn’t fear death. Yes, she doesn’t run towards it like some_ foolish _people do, but she also doesn’t fear it. It’s simply a state of being like any other to her, just like the darkness; all parts of a bigger cycle that she - and the rest of humanity, for that matter - can’t quite explain, nor understand._

_Some seem to find comfort in thinking there is a Higher Power that controls and directs every move, justifies every bit of pain, love, patience and recklessness that guides the World and all its inhabitants._

_She was raised in that culture, the one that believed in a God above anything else, - at least that was the point of view her Catholic family had, and had passed onto her. But she left it at quite an early age, unable to find solace to the wars that were raging inside her, a motherless fourteen years old kid that was questioning everything about herself and who stood around her._

_So she had turned to the only thing that was able to calm her instead of scaring her, something that she had accepted and embraced a long time before, guided by the wrinkled, old hands of her_ nonno _on her crying face: the starry night sky._

_Maybe some things are just as simple as they look, and if the darkness of the night has nothing to hide, so does the light. Or maybe everything is just too damn complicated to be understood by simpleminded beings like humans. Maybe just like it can be said that stars are big ensembles of gasses and metals that travel through the Universe, life could be just as casually explainable._

_That’s why she saw people as streaks of stardust, especially the ones she loved: because they were special lights in the night that was her life, and she couldn’t quite explain why they were willing to navigate it by her side._

_She liked her theory much better that the one that involved an all-mighty God, even if she recognised that she had simply shifted all the “power” from God’s hand, to the Universe. But the latter involves and allows far less judgment from clerical figures, and can’t be manipulated as easily, so that is what she stuck to all her life: her personal belief system, her peculiar doctrine. Because she isn’t stupid and she knows that everyone has one. Even those who claim not to believe, simply believe in not believing._

_Therefore, the Universe’s law was her own, romanticised by stars and mythological legends, and accompanied by a darkness that played a big role in giving her calming peace._

_And that’s where she was now, caught in a sea of night and darkness, filled with comfort and harmony._

“Do something! I’m telling you, this is _not_ what she wanted!”

_And there it was again, that heartfelt, loving voice; only this time it was more desperate, frantic and distressed, nonetheless leaving that warmth, that love that called to her, implored her to reach it. And she could spend all her energies dilapidated, consecrated to the art of aimlessly following that warmness._

_Or she could sit on the ground and watch it go by, preferring to give in into the darkness, and maybe find that_ something more _that she knew was there. And so that’s what she did, the voice getting quieter by the second, and feeling like she was falling freely towards something greater._

_But what Carina wasn’t realizing, is that something out of nothing, still amounts to nothing at all._

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**_ · PRESENT DAY  _ ** ** _·_ **

Carina took in a deep breath, her eyes struggling to open, too susceptible to the sheer light that came with the warm breeze she felt running through her hair: – Hey there... – She heard. – You finally rise again, uh?

She blinked rapidly, her eyes flickering open slowly, savouring the comfort left by the voice that just bumped off her skin: – _Troppa luce._ – She lamented with a suffering groan.

Maya laughed lightly, familiar with the complaint, since it was one so common during their lazy mornings off. Carina hated waking up, Maya knew that: soon after definitively opening her eyes, the Italian was quickly active, almost impatient, but those first seconds of getting out of the darkness were unbearable for her. Maya scooted closer to her girlfriend, a big smile still warm on her lips, and her gaze finally held again by those brown eyes she had chased for so long: – How are you?

– Famished. – Carina almost laughed out.

– Well that surely is no surprise. – The voice that came from the back of the room forced the Italian to tear her attention away from Maya. – It’s nice to see you again.

– Amelia! – Carina exclaimed.

The other woman laughed at that excitement and moved closer, her hand landing on Carina’s casted arm: – God, it feels like a lifetime.

The OBGYN wrinkled her forehead, unsure she was really getting the depth of her best friend’s statement, but before she could inquire more, her stomach growled soliciting a loud laugh from the other occupants of the room. She turned a darker shade of pink, and almost apologetically said: – You have no idea how hungry I am.

– Why don’t I go get you some food? – Maya offered, starting to get up. – So the two of you can catch up a bit.

Pure panic ran along Carina’s expression, alerting the others that weren’t quite used to seeing that emotion on the Italian’s face. Frankly, it hadn’t been there even when Maryanne threatened to blow everything and everyone up. Carina’s eyes ran along Maya’s standing figure and she tried to get up to gain more of the blonde’s attention: – But I have barely seen you, I don’t-… – Her voice trailed off, and she looked like she herself wasn’t sure what she was going to say next, or what was happening in general. – Please don’t go?

Maya blinked, swallowing her discomfort and the urge she had to just cave in and never step away from Carina again.

– I’ll go. – Amelia volunteered, still smiling emotionally, and attentively giving a squeeze to Carina’s left hand. – Want anything in particular? – She added ironically: Hospitals don’t exactly offer a vast menu.

– Uhm, yes… – Carina’s cheerfulness was back once again, almost as if nothing more than a misstep had just happened. – _Direi spaghetti ai frutti di mare, saltimbocca ripieni e… mamma mia, penso ucciderei per del tiramisù._ – Maya shot an uncertain glare to Amelia, who was equally speechless, not sure if what they’d just witnessed was Carina being her usual bilingual self, or if her fragile brain was playing not-so-funny tricks on her. – Wow, you’re _both_ here and none of you made _any_ remarks on me speaking _italiano_? – The OBGYN smirked. – Something really must have gone wrong while I was asleep, uh?

The Italian was the only one that giggled lightly, while Amelia shook her head and walked slowly towards the door: – I’m truly glad to have you back.

Doctor DeLuca felt once again like she wasn’t really understanding the depth of Amelia’s words, and followed the white coat flutter out of the door with her shining eyes.

Maya, on her part, sighed deeply while sitting on Carina’s bed, her hand never leaving her girlfriend’s fingers: – How are you really?

The Italian snapped back to reality, all her attention on the Captain now: – I’m okay, Maya, I was fine earlier too.

Maya gave her hand a small, apologetic squeeze, she knew what the confusion of what she was about to say felt like: – That was yesterday, Car.

– _Perfetto._ – Carina scoffed with another light giggle, her casted arm reaching Maya’s knee. What did another day matter now, anyway? She had no recollection of what had happened at all, so it really didn’t have any kind of relevance. – But I really am okay, _Bella_. – She swore sincerely. – I just have no idea what day it is or what has happened.

Maya breathed in deeply, thinking about the irony of the situation. She was a Captain now, and _surely_ she took less risks on her job, but as a Firefighter she was definitely more likely to end up in a Hospital bed than her Doctor girlfriend. And yet, here she was, about to explain to an amnesiac Carina the most traumatic two weeks of her life: – This is going to be hard, for the both of us, but I want you to stop me at any time if you don’t feel up to it, okay?

Carina nodded and so Maya commenced, a shaky breath accompanying her hobbling words. She started from the discomfort the _whole 19_ felt, when all communications with _Grey Sloan_ were inexplicably interrupted, rapidly passing through the terrifying moments before the explosion, and the confusing one right after it. Maya justified the shortness of that vital point of the story with remembering too little, and not wanting to contaminate Carina’s memories with her point of view, but both women knew that the trauma was still too fresh in the Captain’s mind to be discussed so lightly, a wound too far away from healing to be exposed to the burning air of the World. – I thought you were dead. – Maya whispered at that point. – I was ready to give everything up because I was _so sure_ you were gone. – A little bitter laugh. – I even got mad at the Doctors for bringing me back.

She then explained her injuries, dismissing them quickly, in favour of concentrating on Carina’s situation. She illustrated how Ben felt a practically undetectable heartbeat, how they extracted her in record time, how she had to undergo multiple major surgeries, one of them performed by her equally traumatized best friend.

– Amelia operated on my brain right after the bomb? – Carina asked surprised, and Maya nodded shamefully: she had been so unfair with the Neurosurgeon. – I’ve always known she was a badass… – The Italian continued with a wide grin. – Never thought she’d be _this_ much of one.

Maya’s amused look soon transformed into a guilty grimace, but she continued with the story and ignored Carina’s questioning expression. She quickly told her girlfriend about the loneliness she experienced during those hellish weeks, she explained how all their friends kept checking in and spend time by her bedside. She told her how she never really got around to going home, how she met every last member of the Hospital Personnel and how she made quick friends with Jo Wilson.

Upon hearing that name, Carina’s expression was the one to fall: – I hope she didn’t tell you…

– About the _evil exes_ story? She definitely did. – Maya laughed loudly, bringing her girlfriend’s hand to her lips to leave a loving, fleeting kiss. – Can’t say I blame you for it.

Carina tilted her head with a fond smile and wrinkled her nose: she had nothing more to say. The whole story was starting to be overwhelming to say the least, even if Maya was explaining it emotionlessly, as if she was giving a lecture, stating fact after fact, churning out figures and statistics that were more tragic than they had any right to be. And through it all, the Captain spoke as if she was just an innocent bystander solely dented by the experience. As if it didn’t belong to her at all.

And even if Carina could barely remember any of it, she already felt every new development in her bones: she wanted to know everything. So, Maya kept going, entering in the details of everything that had happened with the Johnsons: how Amelia realized that Carina already knew them, what their pathologies were, how the plot twist of the secret husband had shocked everyone, and almost killed the majority of the people in that hall. And during the whole story, Carina kept whispering _“Poor Maryanne, poor Alexander”,_ over and over, letting her tears dry on Maya’s shirt while the blonde was holding her.

– I don’t remember them… – The Italian whispered guiltily, gaze fixated on the immaculate sheets that were keeping her warm. – I saw so many of Swanson’s consults, I just-… _Non ne avevo la minima idea_ _._ – Her eyes stopped running along the cotton fabric, and rose higher to meet a couple of reassuring blue ones that were ready to comfort her again. – Do you think that’s why he did it in the end? Because I didn’t recognised them?

– Hey, none of this is your fault. – Maya said, almost in a frenzy. – _He_ blew up the Hospital, not you. You have _nothing_ to feel responsible for.

Carina nodded, but they both knew that they would have to circle back to that topic a lot in the days to come, and that maybe some professional help could guide the Italian through her weird version of survivor’s guilt; but for now, Maya needed to keep going.

So she went straight to how her and Amelia decided to honour both Alexander and Maryanne, since the latter ended up being a victim too. And Carina nodded understandingly, saying she would have probably done the same, after cursing and cussing at the woman’s lifeless body in _italiano_ for a couple of minutes. Maya laughed, content that they ended up doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it revealed itself to be: – There’s one more thing. – She said slowly, a note of apology already present in her tone. – I had a pretty big fallout with Amelia.

Carina sat straighter, her ears almost turning into cell towers in order to make sure she wouldn’t miss a thing: – So this is what all that _freddezza_ and weirdness were about, _sì_ _?_

Maya sighed loudly again, it was her turn now to be so ashamed she couldn’t hold her girlfriend’s gaze: – A week and a half after the bomb, you coded. – Her hands got stiffer, but she owed Carina the truth, the whole truth, even if it was ugly and bitter, even if it made her look like a heartless monster. – She came clean about what's in your chart when you were dying and refused to intervene. Jo broke protocol and saved you, but I completely lost it with Amelia. – She swallowed loudly with her empty, dry mouth, knowing that Carina was familiar with this version of her, having come face to face with it herself a couple of times during what felt like two lifetimes ago. – I forbade her to treat you, and even to come see you. I was out for blood, because I couldn’t make sense of my pain and your damned wishes, and I literally destroyed Amelia. I accused her of inexplicable things, basing them on her addiction and blaming her unwillingness to violating t-the… – Her blue eyes searched the Italian’s face, suddenly unsure she could name the very reason of her most recent pain and confusion in front of Carina. She couldn’t, not now. – I blamed her actions on her _“selfish need for sobriety”_.

Carina breathed in and out loudly a couple of times, searching Maya’s face for clues of something more, because she felt it all the way down to her stomach, there was something Maya wasn’t telling her. She didn’t know what she was expecting when she detected that coldness between her girlfriend and her best friend, but it certainly wasn’t this. Maya finally lifted her head, and Carina’s heart got trapped into a deadly, painful grip. It was like as if the Doctor was really seeing the blonde for the first time that day: all the tiredness and the sadness, the grief and the agony, the discomfort and the pain. Maya was showing her tears that are usually cried beneath what the rest of the World can see, the ones the eyes miss, yet love renders visible.

– I’m so sorry… – The blonde whispered, and Carina wasn’t quite sure why she was apologizing to her. – Amelia and I already talked yesterday, but I think it’ll be a long road before things are back to normal.

Carina moved her hand to Maya’s devastated-with-guilt features, letting it loiter over her almost completely healed bruises: – You don’t have to apologize to me, _Bella._

She drew a steady breath, enjoying every particle of oxygen that reached her lungs. She finally rested her hand on Maya’s face and brought her closer into a hug. Her eyes travelled around the room, noticing only now how there was a perfectly made bed with travel bags on it, how an official S.F.D. radio sat lonely and powered down on the sanitized dresser, how the trash basket was full of takeout leftovers and Hospital food containers.

How the room unmistakably smelled like Maya.

Carina thought back at her girlfriend’s words, at how nothing in that story was about the Captain’s personal experience, but everything about her. She moved away and sat straighter, her forehead gently pressed against the Firefighter’s, her words not louder than a soft whisper full of emotions: – Maya… how are _you_ doing?

The blonde moved back, her eyes thoroughly searching a way out of the maze that question created: – I’m-

Her voice disappeared when the ringing of a phone interrupted them, breaking the moment and also Maya’s vulnerability. In that exact instance, Amelia appeared on the doorway with her hands full of food, and her and Maya exchanged places, while Carina observed the scene silently.

The Neurosurgeon settled the containers on the little portable table on Carina’s nightstand, and then moved it to the bed: – I regret to inform you, Doctor De Luca. – She said with a wide grin. – That they didn’t have _tiramisu._

Carina giggled: – As if the rest of my request had been granted.

Amelia laughed too, her hands finally slipping inside the deep pockets of her white coat. It was nice wearing it again, it made her comfortable and recognisable from afar. It was her personal superhero cape: – You know… – She started, eyeing her friend’s eagerness to eat. – There’s something deeply amusing in seeing you have lunch at nine in the morning.

– You think you’re funny, _sì_? – Carina laughed, moving the cap of the soup container to the side. – The last thing I clearly remember is going out to eat with you, so I assume the appetite lasted.

For a second, Amelia’s expression fell, small wrinkles of worry crisping her so lightly freckled forehead: – We never made it to the restaurant.

The Italian stopped with her spoon mid-air, her eyes rolling playfully: – _Lo so_ , that much I remember.

Amelia didn’t miss a beat, her index tapping repeatedly on her temple: – Do you though? – The spoon froze inside Carina’s mouth, her eyes widened and her eyebrows raised in surprise: Amelia smirked diabolically. – What? Too soon for memory jokes?

The OBGYN took a boiled carrot and threw it to her friend, aiming for the head but ending up hitting the floor instead: – Nah, I just thought you wouldn’t already be in the mood to make them. – Emerald eyes flickered in her direction, and Carina could already feel their familiar easiness settle back between them, exactly where it belonged. – _In ogni caso,_ I'm picking up _right_ where I left, even though Hospital food is _awful._ – A disgusted expression fought its way to her lips. – _Especially_ American Hospital food: I'm almost tempted to go back to sleep in order to avoid this torture.

– Maya wouldn’t be happy with that suggestion. And neither would I, for the record. – Amelia laughed briefly, her eyes returning serious shortly after scanning the room and settling on the Captain’s things. – I’m guessing she told you about what happened?

– _Sì…_ – Carina’s heart tightened, and this time it wasn’t because of the questionable density of her soup. – Thanks for being understanding with her.

– She was too, you know? What _I_ did wasn’t fair either. – Amelia’s mind ran back to what it felt like for _her_ to open her best friend’s chart after the operation and find the outstanding DNR. Dismay, disillusion, isolation. She felt perplexed, and overwhelmed by it: there was nothing she could do to fix the situation, so she ended up doing the wrong thing: nothing. – By the way, what’s all that DNR crap about? Why did _no one_ even knew you have it? And _why_ do you even have it? – Carina was taken aback, and she wasn’t sure if it was because of Amelia’s blunt aggressiveness, or the fact that she barely had _any_ idea what her best friend was talking about. Was this the reason Maya seamed so cagey before? In seeing her so battled, Amelia decided to drop the topic altogether: after all, they had plenty of time for uncomfortable conversations later. – Look, you don’t have to tell me about it, but I think you will want to discuss it with Maya, she was pretty surprised. – Her mind unkindly produced the imagery of the blonde in tears on Carina’s floor, her screams of disbelief and desperation still tearing the Neurosurgeon’s walls apart. That day, Amelia was sure, she had met Maya’s broken heart. – And devastated.

A tarnished veil of silence descended upon the room. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable either. Both women’s brains were rushing a million miles per hour through all that had happened and more. Amelia longed for those times before everything went south, despising the speed at which their lives had violently crumbled to the ground. Carina on her part, was experiencing less dramatic thoughts, maybe due to the fact that she barely remembered anything. Including the phantomatic existence of a DNR. She thought how to best tackle the topic with Maya, who seemed to want to avoid it at any cost, and was unable to come up with any concrete plan.

Embittered, she gave a convinced bite to the yellow plum in her hand, and its acidulous, fruity taste immediately unlocked a weird sensation in the back of her stomach: it wasn’t exactly a sensation, but it wasn’t a memory either… It just tasted like childhood: – Hey, was Andrea with me after the bomb?

Amelia’s eyebrows moved closer together: – Not until later that night, once you were done with all the surgeries. Why?

– I have some sort of weird recollection of when I was unconscious. – She explained. – They’re not really memories, more like a mixture of sensations and feelings I keep re-dreaming over and over every time I close my eyes. I was _so_ sure I’d heard something in _italiano..._ but it’s probably just some kind of _allucinazione indotta dalle medicine._

– While I love a good Italian deception… – Amelia answered readily, her heart racing in anticipation for what she was about to say. – I was there when the bomb went off, and so was Maya. She’s the one who talked to you in Italian. – Confusion sunk in even more deeply in Carina’s eyes, and Amelia moved her gaze to the ground: even by only reporting the story she felt like she was intruding. The events that took place at the foot of the staircase were disorganized inside her mind, but that specific scene was burned painfully clear into her frontal lobe: it was of an intensity she had barely ever witnessed. – I never got around to asking what the words meant, or look them up, because they felt too personal; but they never stopped echoing through my ears. – Her head was held high once again, and the green of her eyes got richer with the expectation the Italian emanated. – She kept repeating _“Come la luna,_ I'll love you _come la luna_ ”.

Carina’s blood boiled. It was as if it had answered a Celestial call. Her head felt separated from her body and trapped inside a tornado, with panging dust grains smashing to the ground of her face, causing earthquakes beneath her skin. It was as if a door had creaked open with painful slowness, and a primal response - void of conscious thoughts - had shuttered her against all her feelings, taking her back to that matter-less dimension that had been her prison not too long ago.

Amelia must have perceived the not-so-subtle change in Carina’s demeanor: – Uh… what just happened? – She asked confused.

Carina shook her head, the sensation of lingering darkness lifted from her soul as suddenly as it had arrived, leaving behind a sweet sensation of peace, with a hint of bitter chaos: – Nothing, just the food... It tastes funny. – She lied. Her voice trembling so violently that she didn’t even convince herself, let alone Amelia that seemed to know her inside and out.

But the emerald-eyed Doctor respected her too much to investigate further, knowing that Carina had to elaborate things on her own before spitting them out to others; whether that processing period involved a sleepless night in her too-full-of-memories bedroom culminating with a sunrise surprise visit to the Neurosurgeon's house, or a silent early lunch in a Hospital gown, Amelia was going to follow Carina’s lead.

Before any of them could say one more word, Amelia’s pager went off, and she shot an apologizing glare to the Italian that watched her curiously with her mouth half-full: – I have to go… It’s kind of my first day back.

– Go, be a badass Neurosurgeon. – The smirk on Carina’s lips grew. – I promise I’ll try not to forget you.

Amelia shook her head and exited the room, feeling grateful that things finally seemed back to normal: their dynamic couldn’t have been in a better state and she was happy Carina didn’t hold any kind of grudge against her in regard to the whole DNR mess. Yes, the Italian’s lack of interaction during the topic’s discussion was suspicious, but she apparently hadn’t talk to Maya about it yet, so Amelia didn’t deem it necessary to overthink the situation. The elevator’s doors opened just as she had made that decision; she carefully ran forward, entering the _Pit:_ she didn’t even have to ask the Nurses where her patient was because in front of her was a fully conscious man - still seated on his car seat and _talking_ \- with a crowbar that passed right through his skull. “ _Finally,” -_ she thought _\- “some well-deserved action.”_

When Maya came back inside the room, Carina had finally finished her very-early-lunch and was going through her phone. She didn’t immediately raise her head, too concentrated on trying to decipher what her old and not-so-technological aunt had texted.

At the sight, Maya felt like she could finally breathe, and she leaned on the doorframe, admiring her girlfriend in silence and awe. The thing she had missed the most - it went without saying - were Carina’s eyes. Even in this precise moment, she could see them flicker, the preeminent brown specked and enlightened with the gold that came from the sun outside. Since the first night, those abysmal, expressive eyes had captured her interest, for she was unable to see what lied at the bottom of that dark spiral, but perceived a sense of openness that dared her to take a leap as well. They were an enigma of attraction, and she was a hopeless victim to their charm.

Probably encouraged by the uneasy feeling of being so intensely observed, Carina raised her head and instantly met Maya’s liberated glare. With a smile, she found herself thinking that some gazes are the promise of protection: to her, Maya’s simply was all that and more.

The Captain moved closer, distantly listening to Carina explain the mental and emotional state of her family back in Italy. But the OBGYN kept switching from Italian to English, her hands always dancing persistently in the air to accompany and emphasize every word, and Maya really struggled to keep up. Her own inexpressive hands fell on the bedpost, and she started quickly scanning her girlfriend’s medical chart. And when her blue eyes reached the DNR order, the pain took over, her body got incredibly rigid, and her lips started moving almost on their own: – Even _I_ don’t have that.

Carina stopped her rambling, her eyes turning a more confused shade of brown:– Uh-… What?

– The DNR. – Maya clarified, her body getting closer to the Italian, but her aura somehow moving further away. – I’m a _Firefighter_ , and I don’t have a DNR.

– I don’t either. – Carina said, a hand reaching for Maya’s while her mind ran a marathon of memories to understand what was happening. – Not a DNR…

– Well, _obviously,_ you _have_ something! – The blonde retaliated, retracting her arm as if Carina’s words had burned it.

The abrupt movement stung Carina’s soul, digging deep into her insecurities: why was Maya getting away from her? Why did she suddenly turn colder? The OBGYN let a shaky breath run uncertain through her lips: – Wh- Why are you…

– Because you were _dead,_ Carina! – Maya exclaimed opening her arms in desperation. – You were _dead_ and you still would be if it hadn’t been for Jo fucking Wilson! – She pointed an accusatory finger to Carina. – You have _no idea_ how many times I asked myself how things would have unravelled if I had never befriended her. So excuse me if I’m being sceptical, but _something_ is definitely going on in your medical chart, and I had absolutely _no idea_ of its existence!

The temperature in the room fell, a chilly breeze emanating from the two bodies that had never been so physically close, and yet so far away from each other at the same time. Maya lifted her shoulders, defeated, tired of having to fight the same battles over and over again. The rage that emerged from the Captain’s tone, Carina could see it in those deeply hurt blue eyes, was actually frustration. Badly contained and even more poorly addressed frustration, but frustration, nevertheless. It was evident in every movement of the blonde’s chest, every direction her gaze took, every little tic that seemed to emerge all at once. She deflected by lowering her head and limited herself to only listen.

– It’s not even the DNR in itself, you know? Well, it’s that too, but… – Maya sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes roaming around a space that had become too familiar for her liking. – It’s the fact that you’ve _never_ mentioned it, that you made me promise to keep fighting to stay alive as long as possible, and then had this twisted little trick up your sleeve. – Carina looked up then, a strand of dark hair falling in front of her eyes, and Maya ached to push it behind her ear. But she didn’t, her hands fell into her lap again, fidgeting with each other. – I guess I just felt betrayed, and I had enough of that emotion going around back then, without needing to add my comatose girlfriend to the list of people I resented.

A shock of sadness rushed through Carina’s body: – Maya I-

– But I did, I resented you for what felt like an eternity. And it burned me, it stained me, it marked me, and it made me devolve into a coward that-… – She stopped herself: what was the point? She wanted to move forward, so this play wasn’t the right one. Choosing destruction would have been “ _such an Old Maya’s move”_ like Andy would say. And it’s true, it’s what she usually went for, mutually assured destruction was the safest bet: after all collateral damage loves company, she used to think, just like misery. But not now, not anymore. She lifted her head with a small smile. – It doesn’t really matter, because once Koracick exited the O.R. to let me know you were okay, it all just went away.

– Maya... – Carina’s voice broke simply by calling her: she could feel the Captain’s pain everywhere in her body, it was tearing her apart. – I don’t have a DNR, I know you said it’s in my chart, but the only thing I agreed upon when I drafted my will back in _Italia_ was… – She stopped abruptly, not wanting to fall back to speaking _italiano_ because of the topic’s seriousness. It took her a second, but she finally found the best translation she could think of. – I believe the English term is “no therapeutic persistence”.

Maya shook her head forcefully, her mouth full of disbelief, her body stiffed by confusion: – Carina, you weren’t there: it was awful… You started coding and three of the best Surgeons in the State were literally watching you die, because they couldn’t do anything. – Her voice trailed off slowly, while her mind raced across the past months, all the way back to that night at _Joe’s._ And maybe now more than ever, while a pair of deep, brown eyes were piercing through her, it finally sunk in: Carina wasn’t just some habit Maya could break in 90 days. She came along and stuck around, made it all seem so easy that Maya had spilled all her secrets, her deepest fears, her most daring dreams. There was no way out of it: Carina was holding her heart. – And, Jesus Christ, _I_ was there too! – She snapped closing her hands in titan fists. – Equally helpless. It tore my heart apart, Carina. I was _there_ , but I was in pieces.

The Italian sat straighter, the tremor in her voice almost as chilly as the pain that was rushing through the room: – I get it, _Bella_ , I do. – Did she, though? She wasn’t sure she ever could: after all, she really wasn’t there. She moved closer to the blonde that still looked at the other side of the room, the cables that escaped from under her clothes were so firmly connected to her olive skin that prevented her to reach Maya to comfort her. – What I’m trying to say is that the only thing I didn’t want, was to be kept alive when nothing of me was left, when I was brain dead or in an irreversible vegetative state. – Carina’s nose crimped quickly, her eyebrows wrinkling her entire forehead in urgency: she needed Maya to understand that she wasn’t giving up. – I didn’t want them to use disproportionate therapeutic means in such cases, because if I was _dead,_ they wouldn’t benefit me in any way; and more than anything, I didn’t want the people I love to have to watch what was left of me - _a shell_ \- and feel obligated to keep it around. – She took a deep breath, relieved that Maya wasn’t obstinately staring at the door anymore, but had started to uncertainly move her head in Carina’s direction. – They must have messed up the translation back in _Catania,_ unfortunately these things happen more frequently than they should _._ – One of her hands finally clashed with Maya’s, gently pulling it to gain full attention. – Look at me: I will fix it, okay? – And upon hearing that, Maya let go of all her stubbornness and moved closer, carefully engulfing a Carina that was still talking between her arms. – I promise, I’ll get it fixed as soon as possible, you don’t have to worry anymore.

And while holding each other so closely their bodies almost started fusing together, Maya could feel Carina’s concern in her bones. There had always been something so beautifully enchanting about realizing Carina cared so deeply for her. The Italian’s was a special kind of concern: it was real, dense, palpable, it was _breathable_. And even now, every time Maya felt it, no matter the constancy of its presence throughout their relationship, she wasn’t sure she deserved it: – I was just so sure I was going to lose you for ever. – She whispered. – I wasn’t ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be.

– I won’t leave you. – Carina’s murmur ran along Maya’s shoulder and reached her ear, its urgency almost clashing against the sense of security it released. – I _can’t_ leave you, Maya. – The second mumble was different, and the blonde felt guilt wash over her in a wave so high it threatened to drown her. She’d never heard Carina so dismayed, not even with the whole Jack fiasco. What hurt the most, was that it wasn’t the pain or the near-death experience that did it: it was Maya implying what she’d just implied. – I'm not going anywhere. – The Italian surrendered once again, her forehead shifting ever so slightly to allow her eyes to dip into Maya’s oceans: there was no agony now, only a promise that meant more than anything else in the World. – Not now, not ever. You have me, _Bella_ , all of me. _Prometto_.

– I'll try to start feeling like that's something I deserve, then. – Maya murmured slowly in return, her words crashing tenderly against Carina’s lips. She closed the distance with an anticipation, an easiness she’d missed; and finally everything around her felt right again. – We’ll work this out, yes? – She asked as she brushed her thumb across Carina's lower lip.

– I promise. – Carina responded, holding the other woman's gaze as she attempted to kiss the pad of her thumb when it passed by.

Maya didn’t care that that was a ridiculous promise to make: not when Carina was looking at her so earnestly; not when she knew Carina believed what she was saying wholeheartedly. She smirked maliciously, and in a childish manner raised her hand at eyelevel: – Pinkie promise?

Carina sighed heavily and rolled her eyes as she reached up to press a hand over Maya's mouth, the other squeezing the blonde’s pinkie anyway: – _Ma dai,_ would you stop that? I’ve never been more serious in my life.

– I find that hard to believe. – Maya mumbled against Carina's hand before licking her fingers annoyingly. Carina was just about to think of some stinging retort, when Maya pressed a gentle kiss against her palm, and a small smile appeared on the OBGYN’s lips at the tender gesture. – If you’re so annoyed, why are you smiling? – Maya asked with a little grin of her own as she moved her hand slowly to Carina's chest, pressing her palm over her heart gently. Feeling the strong pulse under her cold digits was enough to settle everything around them, make every external noise disappear against the punctual rhythm that transferred from one woman to the other.

Maya raised her eyes to meet Carina’s hopeful glare, and just that sigth was more than enough to convince the Captain to do whatever the brunette would ask, even before the question was posed: – Will you lay with me?

She nodded content, and laid comfortably on the barely large enough bed, and as Carina settled further into the corner to make room, some of the cables disconnected and started an absurd amount of alarming sounds. Maya’s first reaction was to run and get someone, but she giggled lightly when Carina’s head came to rest against her chest, her faint murmurs prohibiting the Captain to get up had absolutely no regard for the monitors going crazy. This all felt so inevitable, so much like Fate. Which Maya Bishop had never put a whole lot of stake in, but maybe now she could start to.

– I want to ask you something… – Carina said after Maya turned the monitors’ speakers off. – But I’m not sure how you’ll react.

The blonde, on her part, wanted to laugh: was there really any possibility for her to react badly to any Carina-related news, now? Probably not, not after all they had gone through; but never say never: – Well, that wasn’t exactly an encouraging premise, babe.

Carina shook her head with a light-hearted giggle: – I have some sort of recollections of the bomb, of when I was out… – Maya’s head turned abruptly, her eyes leaving the comfort of the neon lights on the ceiling, to concentrate their complete attention on her girlfriend. – It’s weird, they’re not memories, more like sensations impressed on my body. – And it was the best explanation Carina could think of, she still felt them, sometimes: little dust grains on her cheeks, an insurmountable heaviness over her torso, and a scraping pain in her brain. – I can remember _everything_ I _felt._ There was this weird reality I was trapped in, and _onestamente_ I don’t know what to make of it. I was in and I was out and there was darkness, and this warmth... – She shook her head, maybe it wasn’t something that could be explained. – But I still don’t know what was going on; except…

Maya trembled in anticipation: – Except?

– You. – Carina lifted herself to lock eyes with the Captain that was still studying her every move with utter astonishment. – I heard _you_ , I _felt_ you: you were a constant, throughout the confusion of it all. – Her hand rested on the blonde’s chest. – And I know that in the end, the only reason I’m aware for a fact that it was you, is because Amelia confirmed it... but I really _felt you,_ more than once: you _and_ your warmth. And there was someone saying _“come la luna”…_ I remember that, you know? – Her slender fingers walked up higher away from the chest that had been their home for the past minute, until they met a sharp jaw where they moved slower, contouring cheeks that weren’t as full as Carina remembered. She took a deep breath, her eyes stubbornly searching inside two moist blue ones that were now quivering in panic. – It _was_ you, _Bella,_ wasn’t it? 

Maya’s mouth fell dry, she swallowed emptily, and her mind ran desperately through disbelief as if her life depended on it. She never thought this question would come: e _ver._ Those words hadn’t crossed her mind since the bomb; after all, they had no reason to, she had made her promise and that was it. But now it turns out Carina remembers them: so could they have worked? What were the implications now? What was she supposed to do?

Her silence hadn’t been short, and the light tossing of the body beside her reminded her that it hadn’t gone unnoticed either. Mostly she was shaken because she couldn’t seem to get her story straight enough in her head to answer her girlfriend. There were so many things she could’ve said: she could have denied the whole thing, blame it on Amelia’s psychotic state, said it had been instinctual, because she hoped it would somehow pull Carina out.

Instincts, survival instincts - plain and simple - that’s what she could’ve said. And yet, she just couldn’t. She didn’t have it in her to lie: not _now,_ not about this. Actually, when it came to Carina, not about anything.

The Doctor had already started to turn her head away, regretting opening up so soon, when Maya whispered a quick, breathless: – Yes. – A word that trembled perilously on its way out of her chapped lips, and drew Carina’s full attention back to her so fast, Maya couldn’t do much about hiding the tears that had slipped down her cheeks. – It was me.

– You remembered. – This time, Carina didn’t stop herself from reaching out for Maya, and Maya didn’t move away, nor she tensed up. She just let Carina pull her in close, until she was leaning over her and her arm was slipping around the brunette’s back.

– I did. – She murmured. And the truth is that what called those words that day, what pulled them out of the precious memory of a night passed on a park bench stargazing, had been an urge so visceral and instinctive, spontaneous and irrepressible, that all could really be used to define it was - sincere.

And the main objective wasn’t to get her girlfriend to _just_ pull through. She _needed_ Carina to know that she loved her just as deeply, that she was equally committed, that if Carina was willing to keep fighting, Maya intended to do just as the Moon does every night, and wait for her throughout the darkness, no matter how long the sundown would last.

They stayed like that, silently tangled in each other’s arms, for an indefinite amount of time: it could have been hours, it could have been minutes, it could have been an eternity and yet, it still felt like it wasn’t even nearly enough.

And while Maya thought Carina had fallen asleep, the brunette was thinking about the warmth in her chest upon hearing Maya’s words, the familiarity she found in it and in the constant, wholehearted force that had gently - but persistently - pulled her out of that weird dimension she had fell in. This was it, that high she had pursued all her life, city after city, continent after continent, lover after lover. This was the love she had always wanted: not the easy, utopic one, but the one that was finally safe. For better or for worse, she had found her person: Maya would have stayed no matter what.

On the other side of the pile of limbs, behind the blonde’s open eyes, daydreams of what love meant took her to a radically opposed conclusion. To her, actual, real love, meant being open to suffering, caring involved people’s loss. It meant sacrifices and endless growth, it meant sleepless night in septic Hospitals and possibly death. It revealed itself to be dangerous, to be a constant thrilling rush: it meant being in freefall. And it’s everything she never dared to dream, everything she secretly ever wanted.

And maybe, just may, they both could have been happy without it. Before each other. Before they knew what it was to burn and to expire, to unwind and to be cared for, to yearn and to be craved. To fall and to be sure to be caught. Before they knew their hearts could skip a beat every time they saw each other’s smiles, perceived each other’s sadness hidden inside tired eyes, shared perilously intimate secrets, felt their hands, soft and sure, all over each other’s body. 

A group of first responders rushed through the corridor, forcing the two to acknowledge life, and the World that kept turning beyond them: – Hey what about the Station? – Carina asked carefully. – How’s everyone?

– They’re good, they miss your occasional cooking, but everyone’s okay. – She smirked silently, thinking about how insistent everyone had been on the importance of letting Carina know she was missed more than just for her cooking. – Andy has a broken arm, because of the bomb, but no one else was hurt. – She proceeded on explaining the latest shenanigans Travis and Jack had started pulling off at the Station, told her about how everyone was scared of ending up walking in on Herrera and Sullivan, how Ben’s kids had started spending more and more afternoons with the Firefighters, much to Bailey’s displeasure. She confessed how deeply she’d fallen in love with Pru over the days spent practically babysitting the infant at the Hospital, and how she could barely even respond to Vic and Dean’s teasing anymore, because they were painfully right. – Other than that, I don’t know much. – She admitted. – I haven’t been at the Station since the day I left to answer this call. – Carina lifted herself once again with the only purpose of fixing Maya with an interrogative, disbelieving glare. The Captain chuckled. – I’m on leave because of my injuries, but I’m thinking about asking to prolong it, I have tons of vacation days piled up anyway. – Maya said calmly, like it was no big deal, as she ran her thumb slowly across her girlfriend’s knuckles. 

Carina felt the World come to a screeching halt as a million thoughts and emotions assaulted her all at once: she pulled back with confusion in her eyes: – _Cosa!?_ Maya, your job is your whole life. I- 

– I thought so, too…– Maya murmured as Carina tried to pull herself together and not think of how she had just destroyed everyone’s life so fundamentally her girlfriend had decided to take a spontaneous break from work. But in the blonde’s mind there was no doubt. – It was my whole life until I fell for you. Until you crept into every emptiness in me and filled it with something that matters more than anything ever has before. 

Carina shook her head, half incredulous half adoring she leaned closer and after smearing Maya’s lips with a burning kiss, she rested her forehead against the other woman’s: – I love you. – She said in a quiver that shook the whole room. It was all she ever wanted Maya to feel, all she wanted her to ever know, the easiest thing the blonde would have to remember. And as she rested her head again on a warm chest that pounded strongly and steadily, she swore she would spend the rest of her life reminding Maya just how much she did.

– I love you too. – Maya whispered, feeling Carina’s smile growing on her chest. – And don’t worry, I’m exactly where I want to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it.  
> I really hope you enjoyed the ride, even if it was a little bumpy.  
> For the last time... Stay alive, friends!  
> And let me know what you think!


End file.
